1. 69ing. I'm a huge fan of multitasking. Who doesn't love efficiency? But when it comes to sex, it's totally unnecessary. 69ing is stupid because how TF can you focus on doing your best at giving while receiving? Just take turns.
2. Blow jobs. Look, blow jobs can be super hot. Maybe I'm just lazy — I'm definitely lazy — but blow jobs are a lot of hard work, repressing your gag reflex and all. While many women need oral sex to get off, blow jobs sometimes seem like a less good version of penetrative sex. Cue Twitter outrage from MRAs in 3, 2, 1...
3. Doggy style. Call me old-fashioned but I like to see the face of the person who's fucking me. Also, it takes a lot of arm strength to hold yourself up!
4. Shower sex. When it comes to sex, water is the enemy of lubrication. I'm all for intimate showers, but let's save the sex for after.
5. Having sex outside the bedroom. Public sex can be an exciting adventure, but let's be real: It's always more pleasant to have sex in the comfort of a bedroom. On a bed, you're comfortable. You can move around. You make as much noise as you want. You can take a break. The possibilities are infinite!!
6. Threesomes. File under: things that look way more fun in porn than in real life. Three is just a tricky number when it comes to the bedroom because one person always feels inevitably left out at any given time.
7. Reverse cowgirl. My fundamental problem with reverse cowgirl is the fact that whoever's on top has to stare at a wall as they're getting boned. Maybe it'd be better if the view were more entertaining.
8. Being the little spoon. Gender roles tell us that the girl has to be the little spoon. But if you've never experimented being the big one, you're missing out. Not only is it nice to hug someone, but being the big spoon gives you way more freedom to move around and get comfortable. When you're the little spoon, you can feel stuck in one position, wanting to move because your arm is uncomfortable but not wanting to destroy the sanctity of the cuddle.
9. Using dildos for masturbation. Vibrators all the way!
10. Anal. Thanks to porn, anal sex is the ultimate fantasy for many straight men, especially now that butt stuff is being accepted into mainstream sex culture. Anal isn't bad; it's just not the best or hottest thing in the world. Plus, you can't come from anal alone.
11. Any of that tantric sex stuff. I would rather not have to read a book to figure out how to get it on.
12. Anything that involves contortion or balancing. It's really hard to enjoy yourself when you're trying not to fall off the bed or breaking out some yoga moves you haven't used in years. We're having sex, not trying out for the Olympics.