I'm going to level with you: Male masturbation isn't all that mysterious. It comes down to a guy hunched over his keyboard (or, in an act of last-minute desperation, his phone), grunting and sweating and forcefully going at his penis. It might be better to leave yourself in the dark. It's like how most horror movies go downhill after you get a full view of the monster, except in this case it's just a guy masturbating, not a monster.
But if you insist on knowing all the gross things guys do when they're jerking off, let's go.
How often do guys do it purely out of boredom?
â€¨It happens, and it's definitely easy for most guys to think, I've got some time to kill, and force themselves to be aroused. More likely though, it happens when we're clicking around online or doing whatever, and the mood strikes. It's more like, "You know what, I feel like a bag of chips," like, 75 percent of the time, and, "Man, I guess I'll see if something is on TV," only about 25 percent of the time.
Is using a sock actually a thing?
It is. To my knowledge, there hasn't been a study on what percentage of guys actually use it. Most will just finish in a tissue or catch it with their hand. And most of the time, even guys who are coming in a sock or something are still washing them afterward. But, not always. I present to you Reddit's infamous "cum box" (NSFWork/life obviously).
Do guys do it in the shower when we're in the other room?
Not all the time, but yeah. Guys can have healthy sex lives with you and still masturbate. It just means their sex drive is high.
How do you clean up?â€¨This varies from guy to guy. Cleanup usually involves just washing our hands off (with soap, hopefully). If we used lotion, it'll pretty much be absorbed by the skin, but with lube we might need to splash some water on our dick. Some will use a tissue, which usually makes clean up pretty painless. And this is really, really rare, but some guys will even use a condom.
Do guys use anything besides their hand?
Toys like the Fleshlight definitely sell, but most guys won't admit to using them. However, I can pretty much guarantee that any kid who grew up with the Internet tried to make one of these warm-water-bag-glove-lotion hybrids. Because 15-year-old boys will literally fuck a bag. Most guys just use their hand though. Most convenient.
Do guys ever accidentally ejaculate on yourself?â€¨Yeah, even the most careful and prudent of masturbators will occasionally have to deal with errant semen. Either you don't ready yourself in time, or you don't quite cover the head of the penis and the semen goes flying. Honestly, if it lands on us, we're lucky. Otherwise, we've got to set up one of those CSI ballistics kits to figure out where it might have landed.
Do guys think about their girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/parter when they masturbate?
Some guys do, but for most guys this would be a hard "no." It really depends on whether or not masturbating to people they know feels weird to them. Some guys have a tough time using their imaginations and need to rely on porn. Others might just might want something different during their "special alone time." Although the term is kind of antiquated, "myspaceterbating" is the act of jerking off to someone's social media page, so now you know that can happen.
What is the preferred lotion of masturbators everywhere?â€¨I don't want to call out a specific brand, but really any good hand cream works. A substantial amount of guys go dry though, believe it or not. Some men find it uncomfortable, depending on whether or not they're circumcised and how much skin they have around their penis. It's easier for guys with extra (fore)skin to masturbate dry without uncomfortable friction.
Where do guys masturbate when they want to be stealthy?
â€¨Bathroom. This is hopefully the only answer. I don't want to think about men shamefully masturbating while crouching in their attic or standing there jerking off in a dark garage.
Do guys like to take their time, or do they just hit an orgasm as fast as possible?
This is another case where every guy is different, but most men can either feel their orgasm creep up on them and follow through, or pace themselves. It's all about speed versus distance and what we're feeling in the moment. Some men will hunt around until they find a video they like and commit. Others will click around until they find one they think they can finish to.
Do guys masturbate to porn because that's what they want their sex lives to be like?
â€¨I really hope not. Everyone's been there once or twice (or 90 times) where you're just like, "What the hell did I just masturbate to?" Arousal lowers our inhibitions, and what turns us on also doesn't mean it's necessarily what we want to experience personally. Plus, don't forget that most porn is still directed with the viewer in mind, not the pleasure of both participants.
Do guys ever smell/taste their own jizz?
â€¨I was going to say this is hard to answer, but fuck it. The answer is yes. At some point, a guy has thought, "How do girls do this?" and gently touched their tongue to it. There are two kinds of guys: guys who tried it once, and liars.
Can guys get off without being fully hard?
Not really, no. You don't always need to have the biggest and best boner you've ever had, but you're not going to be able to rub one out flaccid.
By Frank Kobol
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