1. When you order takeout to share (Chinese food, pizza), he eats so much so quickly that you are basically left fighting for your dinner.
2. Yet when you finish the last tiny drop of his peanut butter gelato, he freaks out.
3. He eats all the chips. You come up from work and you're famished and you just want those pita chips with that lemon hummus you've been dying to crack open. But you open the cabinet and - he ate all the chips.
4. You sit on your couch with the hummus and sliced cucumber (less satisfying) and find crumbs from the latest chip binge all over one couch cushion.
5. You're constantly worried when you go out for snacks that he isn't full enough.
6. The thought of getting him full from snacks has become annoying enough that you have just stopped going out for snacks altogether.
7. You've almost also just given up on sushi entirely.
8. When you're late for dinner and he's hungry, EVERYTHING IS STRESSFUL.
9. When he doesn't want a bite of what you're eating or to finish what you're eating, you can't understand why. This is a man for whom an entire 18-inch pizza is dinner - and now he doesn't want a third of your ice cream sandwich?!
10. When he asks to taste your milkshake, he drinks half of it.
11. When he asks to try your food, he also consumes half of it.
12. When he is very, very hungry (read: prior to any meal you share together), he always wants to "just eat something really shitty." Instead of a 5-pound container of oil-laden pad thai, however, you were envisioning a nice broiled miso salmon over a bed of salad greens.
13. There is a food-sharing incident that has almost ended your relationship. He ate all the salad after he said you could have it but you went to the bathroom before you finished. He ate the last piece of sushi out of your container when you weren't looking.
14. Weddings become the stressful event of Making Sure He's Full Enough. During cocktail hour, he can't socialize like a normal human because he's chasing down waiters passing food. If the wedding is family-style, you have to jockey for the dish to make sure he gets it before it's empty. For this reason, even though family-style weddings would otherwise be fine for you, they fill you with anxiety and dread.
15. Also at weddings, he gets so full he doesn't want to dance. Even though you have, prior to arriving at each of the millions of weddings you've been to together, told him that you have an obligation to be FUN at your friends' weddings, and being ALL CAPS FUN includes copious booty shaking. "Crazy in Love" does not dance to itself.
16. You have to spend so much money on food. He eats for two. Sometimes three. Sometimes four.
17. You just know that if you reproduce together and have a boy, you won't be able to afford anything but feeding the two of them.
By Amy Odell
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