1. Praia Net SwimsuitHave you ever seen a fishing trawler dragging a net through the ocean and thought, "If only a 6-year-old slapped some colorforms on that net, it would make for the perfect bathing suit"? Well have I got news for you, weirdo. Here is that bathing suit.This is the perfect bathing suit if you want guys constantly staring at your left breast, wondering if your areola is going to peek out behind those clouds.I also don't understand why there are cacti. Cacti grow in deserts where there is no water and this is literally a garment meant to be submerged in water. It feels like wearing a ski jacket that says, "I love surfing."
2. Genie Lace-UpWHY IS THIS MADE OF DENIM?Have you ever spontaneously jumped into a body of water with your jeans on and then immediately thought, That wasn't a shitty idea!? The answer is no. You haven't. There is nothing pleasant about soaking wet denim.This swimsuit looks fine; I just can't get over how impractical it appears to be.
3. Bora Bora SuitThis bathing suit does two things. First, I assume, it would give you very artistic tan lines. Two, it creates the illusion that your giant nipples are flat at the bottom. I don't meant to nipple-shame (shout-out to everyone with square nipples).
4. The Caymen Cutout SwimsuitThis bathing suit has an identity crisis and doesn't know if it wants to be a one-piece or two-piece. Which is, fine, whatever. That doesn't really matter. But what concerns me is the pattern. Is that a two-toned palm tree? Fireworks? An image of a virus at a molecular level? Guys will be checking you out in this suit like, "Daaaamn, girl. What the hell is that supposed to be?"
5. Bandit SuitThis is a bathing suit that says, "Hi, I'm from a post-apocalyptic wasteland future where we all wear bondage outfits but mine is pink so it's cute." This bathing suit also wins an award for most straps used on the stomach area of any bathing suit ever.
6. Double Rainbow BikiniOh, hey, this bikini looks pretty normal wait, is that her vagina? If you think guys not maintaining eye contact is bad and disrespectful normally, this is not the bathing suit for you. On the other hand, if you want every guy hitting on you to open with the line, "What's at the end of the rainbow?" this is the bathing suit for you. Of course, for those guys to hit on you, they'll have to get past the gaggle of mothers lecturing you for dressing like that in front of their children. A+ bathing suit though.
7. Pink MonokiniThis is something a vampire princess would buy at Hot Topic. It's super goth.
8. Quarterback PunkI just don't understand how this counts as a bathing suit. This is a bikini bottom and half a shirt. Not that I'm complaining; I'm just really confused.
9. Eagles Shadow BikiniSo much is happening here that it turns your torso into a magic eye puzzle. Less is more, bikini with seven straps. Less is more.
10. Rubber Suspender SwimsuitThe great thing about this is you could play tic-tac-toe on it with suntan lotion. BECAUSE IT IS A GRID. Also, suspenders should never be rubber unless you are a firefighter.