India Today Conclave
India Today Conclave

15 Reasons January is the Absolute Worst

Is there some kind of memo we missed that tells everyone to live their worst lives in January?

21 March, 2018
15 Reasons January is the Absolute Worst

​1. It's the first month, the Monday Morning of the annual year

Nothing is good at the start, we all know that. Don't lie and say the time you lost your virginity was actually good

2. Everyone becomes boring

What, is there like some memo we missed or something that tells everyone to live their worst lives in January? It's all let's cut out the booze here, let's quit carbs there and WHY ARE YOU ALL MAKING YOURSELVES UNHAPPY?

3. You have to go back to work after two weeks off

And suddenly it's not ok to stay up until 3am watching episodes of Making a Murderer on a weekday. GOD why is real adult life so boring.

4.  It's cold

But not nice, crisp winter wonderland cold like it is in December. It's damp, it gets dark at about 1pm and I'm sorry but I definitely look frumpy in a jumper.

5. The gym is always busy

Because it's full of people (like me) who have all these (false) intentions to start an exercise plan and stick to it. And then you have to queue for the treadmill. I don't want to exercise as it is but making me wait is only giving me more thinking time in which I'm very likely to sack it off and go for a glass of wine instead.

6. No-one wants to go out

Because it's cold (point 6) and they're not drinking (point 3) and I'm 99% sure it's not socially acceptable to sit sobbing into a wine glass on your own at the bar.

7.  There's no cheese anymore

Just a few days ago your fridge was overflowing with all the gifts sent from God's udders. But now the gouda is gone, the camembert is caput and the brie's all like, BYE. Because you ate it all, and the guilt is all that's stopping you from replenishing your stocks asap.

8. The small-talk gets even more boring than normal

Instead of muttering something mindless about the weather in the office kitchen while queuing for the microwave, you've now started divulging uninteresting information about how miserably you're failing at your detox.

9. Facebook statuses are painful

Seriously though, if I see another 'new year, new me' status on Facebook I'm going to start giving these friends individual feedback on what they should probably consider changing. And it'll start with "keep your new year's resolutions to yourself".

10. You develop an irritating desire to reinvent yourself

And fear you've been unfairly influenced by all those bloody Facebook statuses we mentioned above. But then you realise you have neither the time nor the energy to achieve this revamp, and you stay exactly as you are for another twelve months.

11. It's got its own day designated to being miserable

Do you see 'Blue Monday' hanging about in August, or October? No, because those months make people happy.

12. You realise now more than ever that you are not a celebrity

Because celebrities can afford to take themselves away to exotic climes, where they hang out in squads and forget that the January Blues is even a concept for anyone.

13. Most couples split up in January

And that's all you need on top of feeling cold, fat and fed up of detoxing: a broken heart.

14. The January Sales are a terrible, terrible nightmare

Not only because you are forced to assess the physical damage Christmas has done to your body under the harsh, bright lights of the changing rooms. But because shop floors are new levels of fresh hell and you'll wonder why you ever bothered leaving the house when all that's on offer is size 4 hotpants and that is just not what you came for.

15. It's such a LONG BLOODY MONTH

I mean I know technically it's no longer than seven of the other months we have in the year, but because of the above sixteen points it just seems to drag on foreveeeeeeeeeerrrrr. Is it February yet??

Follow Cat on Twitter.

Credit: Cosmopolitan
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