The 9 Most Important Takeaways From Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

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​This post contains spoilers for ​Harry Potter and the Cursed Child​.

The so-called eighth Harry Potter book, ​Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, ​has finally arrived, and now it's time to answer the important questions. For example, who is the cursed child, and what's he or she got to do with Harry Potter? If you haven't read the book yet, or you have and you want some quick clarification on what went down, here's your guide to everything important that happened in J.K. Rowling's latest masterpiece.

1. Albus Potter is a Slytherin. That's right: Harry Potter — ​the ​Harry Potter — has a son who gets sorted into Slytherin. Can you even? You'll recall that Harry was almost sorted into Slytherin during his own first year at Hogwarts, but asked the hat not to put him there and so ended up in Gryffindor. Albus apparently did no such thing and spends his time at Hogwarts in green robes. He even likes it there, and befriends the son of Draco Malfoy, one of the most notorious Slytherins in Hogwarts history. Still, Albus is like his father in a lot of other ways. He's stubborn as hell, has kind of a hero complex, and wouldn't get nearly as far as he does in the world without his trusty BFF.

2. Hermione is Minister for Magic. Well, duh. Nobody who literally traveled back in time just to take Ancient Runes is going to stop at some low-level Ministry position. She's going straight to the top! I hope all her subordinates are doing their homework (but if they don't, she'll probably do it for them).

3. Dudley and Harry are on semi-good terms. Dudley doesn't appear in ​Cursed Child​, but Harry mentions him when he attempts to reach out to Albus by giving him his childhood blanket. Harry explains that the blanket is the only possession he had from his mother, and Dudley found it after Petunia died and sent it to Harry because he thought he'd like to have it. They're probably not spending holidays together or anything, but if Dudley's got Harry's address and is willing to send him old family heirlooms, the relationship must not be as strained as it once was.

4. Harry is not as awesome at being a dad as he'd like to be. Harry seems to be on good terms with his children Lily and James, but has trouble with Albus, a Slytherin who feels increasingly oppressed by his father's legacy. At one point, Harry tells Albus he sometimes wishes he weren't his son, which sets off the whole time-travel chain of events.

5. Draco Malfoy is actually kind of chill. Draco's really been through it since leaving Hogwarts. His wife Astoria died young, after struggling with health problems related to a curse passed on from an ancestor. Rumors abound that his child is really the son of Voldemort. His dad, though not in ​Cursed Child​, persisted in collecting dark artifacts even after the Battle of Hogwarts. One such artifact is the super-fancy Time Turner that Harry and company use to travel back to 1981 and help Albus and Scorpius stop Delphi from resetting the timeline, and as a new, semi-honest man, Draco hands it over and joins the good guys. He and Harry even get along, and as the stage directions note, look at each other "as friends." Have fun with that, Drarry shippers!

6. Ron and Hermione almost weren't a thing. When Albus and Scorpius travel back in time to try to stop Cedric Diggory from dying in the Triwizard Tournament, Ron and Hermione are not together in either of the two alternate realities they visit. In one of them, Ron is married to Padma Patil, who he took to the Yule Ball in ​Goblet of Fire​. In the other, Ron and Hermione are friendly enough, working together with Snape to take down Voldemort, but they don't express their love for one another until right before they both get attacked by dementors. J.K. Rowling has said that she regrets pairing Ron and Hermione together in ​Deathly Hallows​, so perhaps this is her attempt to correct that (alleged) mistake. Whatever, J.K. It can't be a coincidence that life sucks in these alternate realities.

7. Cedric could have been a Death Eater. When Albus and Scorpius save Cedric's life in the past, they do so by humiliating him at the Triwizard Tournament. This humiliation is so great that he becomes a Death Eater and eventually kills Neville Longbottom, who as a dead person cannot complete the task of killing Voldemort's snake Nagini. God, have these kids never seen ​The Butterfly Effect​?

8. Voldemort has a daughter. Ah, yes, the big one. Moldy old Voldy did the nasty — shudder — with Bellatrix Lestrange, whose dutiful devotion to the Dark Lord apparently included sex stuff, as people who write and read fan fiction have long dreamed. This daughter, Delphi, decided it was her job to make sure Voldemort never died, and posed as Amos Diggory's niece in order to convince Albus that he needed to go back in time and help save Cedric. Thanks to the ingenuity of Albus, Scorpius, and the old Scooby team plus Draco, her plans backfired, but not before she killed an innocent bystander named Craig Bowker Jr.

9. The titular cursed child is probably that daughter. It's never made explicit just ​who ​the cursed child is, but given that her father is Voldemort and her mom is Bellatrix, it's probably Delphi. But there are a few other candidates in the play — Albus, Scorpius, and of course Harry — so you might also think of the cursed child as cursed ​children​. As a title, maybe that sounded a little too ​Children of the Corn ​for J.K.'s taste.

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