1. When you're preeeetty sure one of your guy friends likes you and you don't feel the same way. Please, for the love of god, never confess your feelings and if you do, please, do not do it on my wedding day or some shit, Sam. I seriously cannot handle that right now.
2. Realizing you talk to them more than you talk to your boyfriend and feeling weird about that. This wouldn't be weird if they were female friends, but somehow, since they're guys, it feels like cheating (even though you aren't attracted to a single one of these beautiful weirdos).
3. They will never fully understand BeyoncÃ© and you know this. You can go on and on about what she means for feminism and the visual significance of her sparkly bejeweled onesies, but she will always be "that chick from Destiny's Child." Save your gushing for your girlfriends who appreciate it.
4. You can try throwing out TV show references but they will not get them. Obviously, there are exceptions to every single thing on this list, but by and large, my guy friends do not watch the same awesome TV I do and most of our conversations circle back to some "guy with guns kills a lot of people for no reason" TV show I could not care less about (partly because it has zero women in it who aren't dying all over the place, but that's a whole other thing).
5. Going to bars with them and having people assume they're your boyfriend even though he never touches you. And then you have to awkwardly find a way to inject "That guy's not my boyfriend" into your flirting with a cute stranger, which is weird every single time.
6. Getting caught in the middle of a group conversation about hot actresses and wanting to fall asleep. Like, yes, Jessica Alba is hot but you don't need to sit in on a 20-minute discourse of who each of them would "totally bang."
7. When one of their girlfriend's looks at you like you're her worst enemy even though you've literally never spoken. And you want to scream, "Ahhh! I am all about you and Matt getting together!!! He is so crazy about you and also he's like a brother to me! Please don't make me an enemy in your mind for no reason!" but that seems weirder than saying nothing.
8. When your female friends ask you why you haven't gotten together with one of them yet. Believe me, if I saw any of these guys that way, it would've happened, day one. But Seth doesn't wash his socks and Dave only brushes his teeth on weekends. 'Nuff said.
9. When you start dating someone and the guy you're dating is totally intimidated by the harem of dudes you spend all your time with. Basically, having lots of guy friends is 90 percent justifying to the world how you can be platonically into each other. It's a ~*bUrDeN*~.
10. Having a low moment and thinking, Eh, fuck it, and almost hooking up with them. Fortunately, I snap out of this just in time before I find out whether or not one of my oldest friends can unhook my bra or not (aka info that neither one of us ever needs to have.)
11. When they don't get street harassment at all. How is hard to understand that street harassment isn't the same as "a bunch of hot chicks telling me they think I look ripped?" How?
12. When you're going through a serious breakup and their primary advice is "screw him," and it's like, well, yeah, but also this is a process, and I can't get over it by chugging beers with you and watching Family Guy one time.
13. Trying to talk about something sexual with them is like trying to talk about something sexual with your family members. Because you're basically their sister so, no, they don't want to know how great your orgasm was last night even though it so, so was.
14. When they talk to you about girls like you're not a girl. If you're reading this, you know what I mean, but it's subtle as hell. It's like you've become so chill with them that you're no longer even a woman and you can tell they don't even see you that way anymore and somehow this bothers the hell out of you.
15. When you turn to them for guy advice and their answer cuts like a freaking knife. Oh, so he's not into me at all and I should just let it go? Cool. I was only into him for six months and thought about what our wedding would look like and what we'd name our kids, but yeah, totally. Moving on. For sure. What's on TV? (*Does not move on at all/sobs.*)
By Lane Moore
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