10 Things Guys Think About Their Abs

There are two kids of guys in this world: guys who don't know what their abs look like, and guys who not only know what their abs look like, but they make sure everyone knows what their abs look like. Having abs is like being Mormon, in that you want to share the secrets of heaven your abs with the world, so you go around knocking on doors and stuff to let everyone know about them. If you don't have abs, you're all...

1. If I suck my stomach in and only eat celery and kale for a week, I sort of have abs if you squint. ​If this were done forcefully, this would be considered torture under the Geneva convention.

2. I sorta have abs, but I don't have those cool "V" lines. I feel like that's what makes it. Otherwise it's like a car without wheels. Or a penis without balls. Maybe "balls without penis" is a better expression.

3. I feel like, if I'm being lazy about this, I can get abs, and not worry about the rest of my muscles. Like, if you have jacked arms or quads, it's weird. If you're skinny with nice abs? Everyone thinks it's crazy hot. So I'm just going to do lots of crunches.*

4. If I'm taking a selfie or crafting a sext, and I turn my bathroom lights off and stand just so in a mirror and use the natural light that filters in at 3:52 p.m. and use a sepia filter, it looks like I've got a sweet six-pack. So that is pretty good.

5. If I got abs, I could fit into my old T-shirts from high school. That would immediately double my wardrobe to three shirts.

If you do have abs, you're like...

6. Is this an OK time to take off my shirt? I feel like it isn't, but maybe I can spill some wine on my shirt at this dinner party and make it seem like I have to take off my shirt.

7. This is probably not an OK time to take off my shirt, but I'm going to lift it up briefly. ​I think that's fine. I'll just casually caress my stomach and chest, and let my forearm lift up my shirt naturally. This is a fine thing to do at my 12 year-old-nephew's birthday party.

8. HAS ANYONE HERE SEEN MY ABS? I'm not looking for them, I just want to make sure you've seen them.

9. I forget what pizza tastes like. Seriously, why is all the healthy food so bland?

10. Why do I have this reverse farmer's tan? It's because I hang out at the beach covering my abs in suntan lotion until some babes notice, but it also means my abs get excellent UV protection while the rest of my body roasts.

*Never do crunches. Crunches are stupid.

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