16 Things Guys Do in Porn That They Definitely Should Not Do IRL

Mate, can you not go straight for the butt though?

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The adult film industry is both a magical and truly terrifying place. Get your porn-searching skills down, and you can avoid all the nasty stuff no reasonable human being would want to watch. Get it wrong, and you could be watching hours upon hours of hairless vulvas being pounded by penises that are approximately five times the size of the orifice they're attempting to enter.

Here are 16 things guys do in adult films that we really REALLY hope they do not do in real life. P.S. this list comes with a caveat: obviously some women absolutely love to do the following acts, and that is totally their prerogative and we love them all for being so in touch with their sexual wants and needs. But dudes need to know it's never, ever ok to do any of those without getting permission or consent first. That's, like, the number one rule of sex.

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1. Come on your face. Little do you know these eyebrows are drawn on and took bloody ages. Spunking on our faces without prior permission will not only make us feel degraded, used and absolutely livid, it'll leave us looking like hairless human eggs. Is that really what you want?

2. Go straight for anal. Mate, can you not though? Sure, if you've chatted about it beforehand it's no issue. But a) expecting us to just take it and b) not properly preparing the area (repeat after me: lube is god) turns you into a grade A douchebag/sex criminal.

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no thanks, princess leia, carrie fisher, no,

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3. Rub your vulva like they're sanding wood. If that's worked for them in the past then sure, I can see why they might think that 'technique' (term used incredibly loosely) is worth a short. But, and now this may come as a surprise to some, we are sensitive living creatures with pain receptors. And for quite a few of us, that's going to be a 12/10 on the pain scale.

4. Call you a bitch/slut/whore. Name-calling and degradation can be all manners of fun in a safe and consensual environment. But so many dudes in porn go in there all 'bitches' blazing before they've even asked the woman's name.

5. Aggressively push your head onto their cock during a BJ. Do you want us to bite your damn penis off? BC we will. Not everyone is born equal unfortunately, and some of us cannot deep throat for love nor money.

6. Invite a friend to join in. Threesomes can be fun! We know this! But if, say, you were just having sex with your boyfriend and then his best mate showed up, all erect and shiny penised, that wouldn't be on.

seriously though

7. Two words: double penetration. Just, no.

8. Not use a condom. So many blokes from adult films just shove their peen in sans johnny. WTF is this about?

9. Not have a mature chat with their partner about their current birth control situation. Maybs check we are a) not going to have your child and b) give you an untreatable STI before you start ploughing away like there's no tomorrow.

10. Ignore foreplay. Going straight to p in the v (or god forbid... a) without doing at least some light fingering beforehand is just point blank a bad idea. Obviously by wazzing it straight in there we won't be lubricated enough and it will be painful, and also we're probs not going to come or enjoy it a whole lot.

high, what, seriously,

11. Make loads of eye contact during oral sex. Genuinely, I had to turn an adult film off the other day because the guy was giving this woman oral sex, and was making OITNB's Suzanne-level eye contact. It was creepy AF.

12. Vag-slapping. Like, what even is that? FYI men, this isn't an everyday thing all women like and want.

13. Never staying in one position for more than 3 mins. Give a girl a chance to actually enjoy the goddam sex will you?

14. Ridiculously fast, drill-like pounding. We're partial to this on the odd (read: appropriate) occasion but for the love of everything that is good and holy in this world, not all the time.

ouch, wince, painful, oops,

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15. Cream pie. Ejaculating inside a vagina or anus and then watching it slowly drip out might sound like a day out at the fayre, but chances are we probs wanna wipe that shit up.

What do you think?

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