“Do Lesbian Women Have ‘Real Sex’?”

‘’’ What do lesbian women do in the bedroom?’... It’s a mystery, I’ve found, that’s oddly fascinating, frustrating, and frightening to many a curious heterosexual mind. That the definition of sex in the lesbian world is infinitely wider than it is in the heteronormative world, and becomes more pronounced in the way it jumps multiple hoops of intimacy—an all-around dry humping (insert double entendre) of emotion, intensity, romance and ingenuity, the patience and the pleasure, the joy and the hell, even the mundanity.

Published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour journal in 2017, a study by a team of US researchers revealed limping ‘orgasm gaps’ across genders and those with different sexual orientations. According to the data, collected from more than 50,000 participants, aged between 18 and 65, and in monogamous relationships, only 35 percent of straight women orgasm every time they have penetrative sex, versus 75 percent of men. Also, around 80 percent of straight women and 91 percent of lesbian women said they almost always found bedroom bliss with the ‘golden trio’ of moves—manual genital stimulation, deep kissing and oral sex, without having sexual intercourse.

This can only be a good thing, ladies. When was the last time ‘female pleasure’ popped up in conversations, even among your girlfriends? Oddly, there’s a looming infamy and taboo around female orgasms. They’re still  seen as a mythical phenomenon!

Pamela Madsen, a New York-based author and renowned sex educator, uncovers the science behind seducing the clitoris: even the most average clitoral orgasm lasts longer than the best of male orgasm. It’s because the clitoris contains 8,000 sensitive nerve endings—double than that of the penis glans.

If you reckoned coming-out as a queer woman is hard, think again. The ‘after’ coming-out questions are harder! Lacking imagination or any regard for privacy, the bizarre scrutiny always begins with, ‘What do lesbian women do in bed?’, promptly trailed by a cocky surprise that two women can actually have fun, without any male assistance.

I don’t claim to be an authority, and certainly not speaking on behalf of the entire queer women community, but here’s what I’d like you to know.

 

What exactly constitutes ‘lesbian sex’?

It’s an endless quips of hyper-interrogation, from the standard, ‘Do lesbians even have real sex?’, or ‘Doesn’t lesbian sex begin and end at foreplay?’, to ‘Is it oral every time?’, and the crowd-favourite, ‘Is lesbian sex valid without the phallus?’.

If, by real sex, you mean procreation, then—no. Fun fact courtesy of Yale Biology Institute: the clitoris is designed to bring a woman pleasure. That’s its sole purpose. Not reproduction! And beyond the society’s ascribed sexual limits of penile-vaginal penetration, a bold new world exists, if you give a damn.

Pioneering American sexologists Masters and Johnson were onto a daring discovery with their theory in the 1960s: lesbians know the secret to the best orgasms because they aren’t inhibited by the expectations of performance and pleasure that afflict straight couples.

Oral sex is something that lesbian women do, oh yes! Some prefer giving, some receiving, some like both equally. It’s like a blowjob, but without a penis. This quote by feminist English writer Julie Bindel may offer more clarity to the last position, err, point: ‘It’s not that we dislike penises, we just don’t like them on men’. Sure, sometimes women enjoying sex with other women use toys, tools, or manicured fingers, but suggesting that women need something phallic for a satisfying experience is a collective eye roll. Strap-on toys, for example, are specifically designed to hit the G-spot. What’s more, they’re aimed at vaginal wellness, and available in varied shapes, sizes, and materials, and even come with a vibration option. Need we elaborate more? Next! 

 

Q: Who’s the bottom and who’s the top?

As Ellen DeGeneres wisely said, ‘Asking who’s the man and who’s the woman in a same-sex relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork.’ It’s annoying, reductive, and offensive, and particularly telling of an absolute lack of imagination that’s rife in heterosexual society, which reckons all relationships function like straight ones. But for the sake of common sense, let’s get clinical: top (dominant or giver) and bottom (submissive or receiver) are roles assumed during sexual activity. ‘Pants’ and ‘pumps’, and ‘studs’ and ‘lipsticks’ are other popular terms of simplification. But there’s also the less known ‘switches’ (versatile), where there are no absolutes, it’s a depends-on-the-mood kinda scenario.

 

Q: Do you watch lesbian porn?

Did you mean the porn central of misogyny? No! No self-respecting lesbian woman would, purely because the term itself—‘girl-on-girl action’ is flat-out rude. Most of us enjoy straight or even gay porn. It feels authentic. There’s a sweeping problem with lesbian porn that turns many of us off. Most lesbian erotica is ‘performative’, actually created with straight guys in mind. Case in point: the unrealistic and cringe-worthy manner in which women are portrayed. Two women rubbing their vaginas in rhythmic motions over each other, or excessive vaginal fingering or fisting (yes, that’s a thing). That orgasm is not real in any way!

 

Q: Aren’t queer women promiscuous?

Hetero folks do it. Gay men do it. Why pick on queer women? Temptation doesn’t see sexual inclination, and whether or not you decide to act on it is a personal choice. In all of my relationships, I’ve been a practicing monogamist. It’s an agreeable preference for my current girlfriend as well. But we seem to be a rapidly fading tribe. Conversations about non-monogamy (more than one sexual partner while in a steady relationship) and polyamory (pursuing multiple consensual relationships) are commonplace in our queer circle of friends. Then again, that’s not to say it’s entirely lesbian-to-lesbian.

 

Q: Do all lesbians hate men?

Most lesbian hedonists or anti-feminism fanatics, as a way of branding women who embrace their sexuality or stand for equal rights, peddle this myth of ‘man-haters’. Do all queer women hate all men? Obviously not. We simply don’t desire them as partners.”       

 

Q: Do all queer women hate all men?

Obviously not. We simply don’t desire them as partners.