Are you really in love or just trauma-bonding?

You know that flutter in your chest when they text back after hours of silence? Or the way you feel like you can’t breathe when they’re upset with you? Or the intoxicating highs followed by crushing lows that leave you questioning everything? If you're familiar with any of these situations, then here's an interesting question to ask yourself: Is what you’re experiencing love—or is it something else entirely? The truth is, trauma bonding can feel shockingly like passionate love, making it hard to tell a healthy connection from an unhealthy attachment rooted in shared pain, chaos, or emotional intensity.

Understanding the difference is crucial for your emotional well-being and future relationships. While both experiences can feel overwhelming and all-consuming, they come from very different places and lead to very different outcomes. Real love builds you up and creates safety, while trauma bonding traps you in cycles that eventually wear you down.

Why trauma bonding feels like love

Trauma bonding is sneaky because it hijacks the same brain chemicals that make you fall in love. It happens when you form an intense emotional attachment to someone through shared stress, conflict, or emotional turmoil. Your brain becomes addicted to the cycle of tension and relief, pain and comfort. When your partner causes distress and then provides comfort, your nervous system links them with survival, which can feel just like passionate, can’t-live-without-them love.

The signs are often hiding in plain sight. Do you find yourself excusing behaviour you’d never tolerate from a friend? Does the relationship feel like an emotional rollercoaster, where the highs are euphoric but the lows leave you doubting your worth? Trauma bonding often masquerades as “intense chemistry” or “meant for each other,” but it’s really your nervous system responding to unpredictability and intermittent reinforcement.

You might notice you feel closest during or after conflicts, crises, or dramatic moments. The makeup sessions feel incredible because your body is flooded with relief chemicals, but this isn’t the same as real intimacy. True love doesn’t need drama to feel intense. It finds depth in consistency, trust, and mutual respect.

What a healthy connection actually looks like

Authentic love grows slowly and steadily, like a strong foundation rather than a lightning strike. It’s built on mutual respect, open communication, and the freedom to be your authentic self without fear of abandonment or retaliation. When you’re truly in love, the relationship energises and inspires you. It doesn’t drain you or leave you anxious about your place in it.

Healthy love allows for individual growth. Your partner supports your goals, encourages your friendships, and doesn’t need to be the centre of your universe to feel secure. Conflicts, when they happen, are tackled as problems to solve together, not battles to win. You can disagree without fearing the relationship is at risk.

Most importantly, real love feels safe. Not boring or passionless, but secure in a way that lets your nervous system relax. You’re not constantly walking on eggshells or decoding every text and mood. Instead of losing yourself in the relationship, you feel like a better version of yourself. This is love that heals, builds, and empowers rather than tears you down.

Breaking free and finding better

You can’t trauma-bond your way into healthy love, but you can absolutely heal and break free. The first step is brutally honest self-reflection. Are you drawn to people who keep you guessing? Do you mistake anxiety for excitement?

Ending trauma bonds isn’t just about cutting contact, it’s about rewiring how you see love. Your nervous system has been trained to crave chaos, so the withdrawal feels real. You’ll miss the intensity, even knowing it was toxic. This is when your support system matters most—friends who won’t let you romanticise dysfunction.

Rebuild your sense of self outside of romantic drama. Rediscover what brings you joy when you’re not managing someone else’s emotions or walking on eggshells. Revisit hobbies you abandoned, reconnect with friends, invest in your career. When you remember who you are beyond being someone’s emotional crutch, you stop accepting relationships that ask you to shrink.

Love doesn’t live in silence, waiting, or second-guessing. If that’s where you are, call it what it is, and give yourself permission to walk away.

Lead image credit: Netflix 

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