You know that thing that happens in movies where two people are having wildly hot sex and somehow manage to orgasm at the exact same time? Simultaneous orgasms are real, but getting two different bodies to sync up like that can be a little more complicated than Hollywood makes it look. Between perfectly timed movie sex scenes and porn that makes coming together look practically inevitable, you’d be forgiven for thinking this is just...how sex is supposed to work. For starters, people don’t necessarily get aroused—or orgasm—at the same speed. One partner might need more time, a completely different type of stimulation, or just be having an “it’s taking forever today” kind of day. “Syncing up is really a coordination problem, not a failure of chemistry,” says psychologist and sex therapist Rachel Needle, PsyD, co-founding director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes and sex expert with Mila. In other words, getting two bodies to orgasm at once can take a little planning (and a little luck). Still, if coming together sounds hot to you, there are ways to make it more likely. Ahead, sex experts explain how to orgasm together, which sex positions and types of stimulation can help, and why getting the timing wrong doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. What Is a Simultaneous Orgasm? A simultaneous orgasm is pretty much exactly what it sounds like: You and your partner orgasm at the same time, or close enough together that your orgasms overlap. “What makes it simultaneous is the timing, not how each person gets there,” says Needle. That means you don’t have to orgasm from the same kind of stimulation—or even be having intercourse. One person might orgasm from penetration while the other uses a vibrator, for example. And there’s a difference between orgasming together and simply both having an orgasm during the same sexual encounter. If you come five minutes apart, congrats! You both had orgasms. They just weren’t simultaneous. How Common Are Simultaneous Orgasms? There isn’t actually solid data on how often simultaneous orgasms happen, so Needle cautions against putting too much stock in any specific percentage you see online. What we do know is that people often have very different orgasm timelines. Research has repeatedly found an orgasm gap between men and women in heterosexual sexual encounters, for example, with the men reporting orgasms more consistently during partnered sex. And even your own timeline can change from one sexual encounter to the next depending on things like stress, hormones, medications, exhaustion, or how turned on you are that day. Add another person whose body may respond to completely different kinds of stimulation, and, as Needle explains, you’re essentially trying to line up two moving targets. How to Orgasm Together So, you want to give simultaneous orgasms a shot? Instead of trying to perfectly match each other’s arousal from start to finish, focus on figuring out how each of you gets off and then working with those differences to get your timing a little closer. Get the Slower-to-Orgasm Partner Closer First If one of you typically takes longer to orgasm, give that person a head start. “You don’t both have to start at zero at the same moment,” says Needle. Spend more time building the slower-to-orgasm partner’s arousal before the other person gets too close. If the faster-to-orgasm partner gets close to orgasm first, they can slow down, change the type of stimulation they’re receiving, or shift the focus back to their partner for a bit. The idea is to meet somewhere in the middle rather than expecting two different bodies to magically move at the same speed. Use Whatever Stimulation Gets You Off You also don’t need to orgasm from the same activity for it to count as a simultaneous orgasm. Hands, oral sex, toys, penetration, or some combination of the above are all fair game. This can be especially important for couples having penis-in-vagina sex, since many women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Needle recommends adding a hand or vibrator during penetration if that’s what helps one partner get off. Basically, don’t make syncing your orgasms harder by ditching the stimulation you already know works. Communicate When You’re Getting Close Your partner can’t necessarily tell exactly how close you are, so give them a heads-up. Needle recommends simple cues like “I’m close” or “not yet,” which can give your partner enough information to adjust their pace without turning the whole thing into a mid-sex strategy meeting. And you don’t necessarily have to narrate your every move. Changes in breathing, moaning, pulling your partner closer, moving their hand, or speeding up or slowing down can all communicate what’s happening. The goal is to pay attention to each other, not spend the entire time giving progress reports. Know Your Own Arousal Of course, coordinating with someone else is a whole lot easier when you know what’s happening in your own body. Pay attention to what it feels like when you’re approaching orgasm, what tends to get you there faster, and whether you can slow yourself down once you’re close. Masturbation can help with this too, Needle says. The better you understand your own arousal patterns, the easier it becomes to tell a partner what you need—and recognize when it might be time to speed things up or pump the brakes. What Sex Positions Make It Easier to Orgasm Together? Bad news if you were hoping for one magical simultaneous-orgasm sex position: The type of stimulation you’re getting matters a whole lot more than the position itself. “The best setup is usually whatever allows everyone to get the stimulation they actually need while still being able to communicate and adjust what they’re doing,” says Needle. For couples having penis-in-vagina sex, that might mean choosing positions that make clitoral stimulation easier. Certified sex therapist and Lelo sexpert, Laurie Mintz, PhD, recommends woman-on-top or the coital alignment technique, while certified sexologist Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, points to lifted missionary. You can also use a hand or vibrator during penetration to add clitoral stimulation. But intercourse isn’t a requirement here. Oral sex, mutual masturbation, hands, toys, or any combination of activities can work just as well—or better—if they give each person the stimulation and control they need to get off around the same time. Can Trying to Orgasm Together Actually Make It Harder? Absolutely. (Sorry.) There’s a frustrating little paradox to simultaneous orgasms: Trying too hard to make them happen can actually make it harder to orgasm at all. “We don’t orgasm on command but instead when we are fully absorbed in our own sensations,” says Mintz. Trying to track how close your partner is while also monitoring your own orgasm can pull your attention away from the pleasure you’re actually experiencing. In sex therapy, this is sometimes called “spectatoring,” Needle explains. Instead of staying present in your body, you start evaluating the experience from the outside: Am I taking too long? Are they close? Should I slow down? Is this working? That kind of mental play-by-play can interfere with arousal and make orgasm harder to reach. Which is why Mintz actually recommends that couples focus less on trying to orgasm simultaneously and consider taking turns giving and receiving pleasure instead. And if one of you regularly takes longer to orgasm than the other, that difference isn’t something you need to “fix.” People have different arousal timelines, and taking turns can give each person space to fully focus on their own pleasure. So, sure, trying to orgasm together can be a very hot experiment. Just don’t turn it into what Dr. Tara calls the ultimate “#couplesgoals.” Whether you come at the exact same second, ten seconds apart, or nowhere close to each other says basically nothing about how good the sex was—or how good you are together. As Needle puts it, simultaneous orgasm can be fun, but it was never meant to be “a report card on your relationship or your sex life.”
