My love don’t cost a thing—or does it? What it’s like to date outside of your pay bracket
From bill splitting politics and lingering financial resentment to dress code anxiety and quitting dating altogether, we speak to women about the impact of wealth gaps on their romantic lives.
Sofia was on a dinner date at her favourite Japanese restaurant in London. It was an expensive spot and she was unemployed at the time, bar a few side hustles. But she thought it was okay because her date David*, who she’d been seeing for several weeks at this point, had a well paid job in tech sales. Pleasantly filled up on gyozas, they asked for the bill. Sofia, out of courtesy, suggested they split it — then, to her shock, David enthusiastically accepted her offer. Sofia was not impressed: “That’s just one of my biggest icks, if a man is not generous.”
She confronted David straight away saying she was disappointed that he hadn’t offered to cover the cost. This didn’t go down nearly as well as the table saké, and David called her out for acting spoiled. Sofia remembers apologising: “I felt like I was being a diva, the sort of girl that expects the guy to pay for everything. But he should have let me know beforehand, and we could have gone for a walk or something, but let’s not go for dinner and then crash me with the bill at the end.” Resentment lingered post date. Sofia felt like she had a point to prove and fought to pay on subsequent meet-ups. “I heavily avoided any dinner scenarios,” she says. “I tried to pick things that we could easily split.” Then a couple of weeks after that dinner, she called it quits on their two-month connection.
This wasn’t the first time 26-year-old Sofia dated outside of her pay bracket and, she admits, it’s her preference, even though she’s romanced the full spectrum: “I’ve dated the broke ass man and the extremely wealthy man.” But as a romance writer — a career path not exactly guaranteed to be financially fruitful — she does hope to find someone who provides some security. “I would love to be equal, but because of the career I’ve chosen, I want my future partner to be able to offer stability.”
It’s no secret that finances play a major role in our romantic lives. That age-old conundrum of dating for love or money recently played out in the film Materialists, in which professional matchmaker Lucy (Dakota Johnston) must choose between rich tech founder Harry (Pedro Pascal) and her broke, struggling actor ex-boyfriend, John (Chris Evans). Spoiler: she opts for the ex, leading some viewers to declare that this is “broke man propaganda”. It’s tongue-in-cheek, but this analysis does reveal a truth about modern dating: love and money aren’t so easy to separate, and, in a tough economic climate, people are having to think twice about who they couple up with.
It’s expensive to live right now: the average monthly rental price has reached record highs (£1,577), and a pint will set you back just over a fiver (if you’re lucky). If you’re a female-identifying person, add to that the literal cost of existing in a patriarchal society. Hello, gender pay gap: for every hour women work, we get paid 7% less than men. Recent research shows that one in four Gen Z daters would be put off a potential partner because of a lack of savings. And, while almost half believe getting in a relationship would make them more financially secure, dating itself is costly. Gen Zers are spending a hearty £1,300 a year on dating — that could buy you a luxury package holiday in no time.
It checks out that, by circumstance, tradition, or design, women are more likely to date outside of their pay bracket. For 34-year-old actor Nikita, there’s a couple of reasons. “One, I’m a creative so everyone’s out of my pay bracket,” she says with a laugh. “And two, I’m very attracted to smart, older men who have it all together and are successful.” She explains, though, that the experience of dating partners who earn more than her isn’t all enjoying boujee dinners and fine wines, it can be mentally challenging to navigate.
“I went on a dinner date once and I was worried about the financial aspect, so I just ordered starters. I got a bunch of green beans,” Nikita tells Cosmopolitan UK. “The wealth gap makes me so hyper-aware that it almost feels like I can’t connect with them. Then I’m worrying about whether my outfit is appropriate. Does this fast fashion top that I bought look bad? Am I not going to be taken seriously?”
Psychotherapist Joyline Gozho explains why the insecurities Nikita is describing come up when dating outside of your pay bracket: “Money is equated with power. For the partner who earns less, they can feel out of control, like they don’t have much independence or are subservient somehow.” This isn’t helped by a cultural awkwardness around money in the UK. “There’s a reticence and muteness around money in British culture,” she says. “But it needs to be talked about. At the beginning of the relationship, we should have an idea of our own attitudes to money and how much value we put onto it.”
If you’re the higher earner, there can be feelings of resentment. 28-year-old Becky* ended a fledgling romance with Tom* because of money differences, even though it started off smoothly. “On the first date, we got on really well. I liked his chilled-out vibe,” she says. Becky has a solid job in marketing, while Tom quit the corporate grind to train to become a firefighter and does delivery work on the side. Even though Tom previously worked a high-earning job, Becky was very conscious that he didn’t anymore, and their priorities around finances felt pretty different. “We hung out and I felt an obligation, maybe out of politeness, to pay for stuff, because I knew he wasn’t really earning that much. Then I felt a bit weird.”
She remembers when she told Tom about a stressful day at work and his reaction made her realise that their views on money were mismatched. “He told me to quit, do what I want to do, and buy a house in an area where it’s more affordable. But that’s not how I view my life. I want to live near my parents, and that requires a certain level of money.” She found his perspective “incredibly idealistic”, and it felt all the more jarring as he was benefiting from her job when she was shelling out for their drinks on dates.
Gohzo explains how this dynamic can create a strain. “The partner who earns more can feel hugely responsible and held back. Maybe they were originally willing to pay, but then there’s suddenly an awareness that this is unsustainable.”
Becky and Tom didn’t see each other for a bit over the summer, while they were both on holidays. When they met up again, Becky ended things, realising that they weren’t right for each other, partly because of their clashes over money. Has this situation changed how she approaches dating? “I don’t want there to be a huge gap now,” she admits. “This was the first time I felt like it was something I had to think about. It turns out it’s very important.”
27-year-old Holly, originally from New Zealand, has lived in London for the past couple of years. While she has an exciting job at Formula One, she says that she’s definitely noticed the impact of the cost of living crisis on her dating life. “You date less because you don’t want to fork out £50 to have a drink with someone that you may not have the slightest bit in common with,” she says. There are ways you can make dating better value in the capital though, like choosing your date location based on somewhere you’ve been keen to visit. “I’ll try to tie a date into seeing a new part of the city, so it doesn’t feel like a waste of money if it’s a bust.”
For actor Nikita, even though she tends to date people who earn more than her, this doesn’t mean dating comes at no cost. She describes planning a date with a finance bro — except he didn’t turn up. “I travelled all the way to west London from east, paying for the tube there and back. I spent hours straightening my hair, using expensive products. It’s like I have this bank account and each date is draining my savings, and if nothing’s put back in, I’m going to be completely spent.”
Nikita is currently on a break from dating, after a bad date experience: “This guy was trying to impress me, telling me he’d take me to Paris, and being very flashy. I felt trapped by this obligation that he thought that if he paid for things, I’d do what he wants,” she says. “I started to have a bit of a panic attack. I felt all this pressure of like, ‘Oh no, he’s bought me a drink. I’m stuck here’.” Now she’s focusing on finding a job that pays better to avoid ending up in this situation again. She advises that women “have [their] own shit going on”, but also “confidence in yourself to know what you’re bringing” beyond finances.
It is entirely possible for couples to have healthy relationships with a wealth gap between them, Gozho reassures. The key is communicating — and early on. “Having openness, transparency, and being able to share our feelings is a really powerful tool for navigating disparities in relationships,” she explains.
“There’s shame, guilt, fear, and the most toxic feeling is resentment that builds up when things aren’t addressed,” she continues. “It’s important that you approach it gently with your partner. How do they feel about dating outside their pay bracket? Be open about your own earning and any debt, talk about it in a non-shaming way. There’s more to relationships than just finances. It’s about mutual respect, support, and values. All of those ingredients are essential. If someone loves you, they will appreciate you for who you are.”
*Names have been changed
Credit: Cosmopolitan