The four everyday habits quietly damaging your relationship—and expert tips on how to break them

Whether it’s poor time-keeping or leaving the toilet seat up one too many times, it’s normal for partners to get on each others nerves every now and then. But, new research from BetterHelp reveals there are a lot of everyday habits that we might not realise are impacting our relationship — and, when left unchecked and unresolved, could spell the end of it.

“No relationship is perfect,” says Victoria Wren, a BACP-accredited therapist from BetterHelp. “Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, [but] what matters most is how you talk to each other when they happen.”

“For many, reaching out for support feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar, but an objective, neutral space can make all the difference,” adds Wren, pointing to how couples therapy can help with those niggling everyday habits (more on those in a moment). “It helps couples see past assumptions, break unhelpful patterns, and move forward together with more understanding.”

Speaking of unhelpful patterns, scroll on for Wren’s breakdown on the everyday habits that are quietly damaging your relationship — and how to work through them.

Everyday habits impacting your relationship

Saying ‘I’m fine’ when you’re actually not

According to BetterHelp, 39% of us regularly tell our partner we’re ‘fine’ when actually, we’re anything but. Citing psychologist Dr John Gottman, Wren explains that doing this creates what’s called a ‘missed emotional bid’. That being: “A moment where one partner tries to connect, and the other partner unintentionally creates a barrier to authentic connection.”

“Over time, these tiny disconnects inhibit emotional intimacy and may provoke resentment,” she adds. “When we consistently hide how we truly feel, our partner may sense something is off but is left guessing as to what that may be.” This can result in a quiet erosion of trust and emotional connectivity.

“A healthier alternative doesn’t have to mean launching into an intense conversation on the spot,” Wren says of how to work through this habit. “There are some middle ground options, such as saying, ‘I’m not feeling great right now, could we talk about it later on when I’ve had time to reflect?’.” This, Wren advises, “keeps communication honest while giving you space to gather your thoughts”.

Giving a measured response, according to Wren, “signals openness instead of withdrawal, and allows both partners the option to pause and create a boundary, until you both feel ready and safe to have a conversation about the situation.”

Dodging issues to keep the peace

If you’re one of the 28% who think dodging issues to keep the peace is healthy for your relationship, then think again.

Research by psychologist Dr Sue Johnson shows that suppressing conflict often results in both partners feeling less secure, Wren tells Cosmopolitan UK. “This is because challenges never have the chance to become resolved, and a negative cycle of disagreement and tension emerges,” she adds.

“Conflict is an opportunity for better understanding of each other and has the potential to accelerate personal growth,” Wren continues, pointing out that conflict in itself isn’t a problem. “It’s an indicator of differences of perception. How couples approach and work to resolve conflict in their relationship can become a strengthening factor over time.”

Spending too much time on the phone

Between social media, checking work emails, and catching up on the group chat, it’s easy to find ourselves distracted by our phones instead of paying attention to our partner. Perhaps it’s no surprise, then, that 31% of us admitted to scrolling on our phones during conversations with our partner.

“Micro-distractions are extremely common and may seem harmless, but when they become habitual, the continual distractedness can send the message that something else is way more interesting, engaging, and important than paying attention to our partner,” Wren explains. “Some psychologists refer to this as ‘technoference’, and multiple studies link it with lower relationship satisfaction and more frequent conflict.”

To avoid falling into this, Wren suggests setting clear, manageable agreements to protect intimacy and transform the quality of your relationship. Examples include: creating phone-free zones (like the dinner table or bedroom); setting short ‘connection windows’ (where both partners give each other undivided attention, even if it’s just 10 to 15 minutes a day); turning notifications off or setting phones to DND during conversations to prevent temptation.

“These boundaries aren’t about banning technology,” she adds. “But about safeguarding moments to build quality connections and focus on intimacy.”

Keeping scores in arguments

Travis Kelce recently revealed he and Taylor Swift have never argued, despite being together for more than two years — but the same can’t be said for the rest of us. While arguing too frequently is definitely not a sign of a healthy relationship, it’s normal to have ordinary disagreements with your partner from time to time. That said, if you’re one of the 11% of who admit to keeping scores in arguments and focusing on ‘who’s right’ rather than resolving the issue, then a word of warning.

“Scorekeeping often comes from feeling unheard,” Wren explains. “When couples argue, they can slip into what psychologist Dr Harriet Lerner calls ‘the dance of anger’, where both partners try to prove their point rather than understand each other. Keeping score becomes a way of gaining control or validation, but it risks turning the relationship into a competition.”

Drawing on her own experiences, Wren says that when working with couples experiencing this, she encourages them to “shift away from, ‘Who’s right?’ to, ‘What is our common ground?’.” According to Wren, some simple techniques to try this in practice include: using ‘I feel…’ statements; letting go of blame; taking breaks when emotions escalate; listening and then summarising what your partner said before replying.

If you’re still struggling to work through issues together, Wren suggests seeking couples therapy. “Many people still see couples therapy as a ‘last resort’, reinforced by stereotypes that seeking therapy must mean a relationship is failing,” she says. “This is something we often hear before and during sessions when people are considering starting therapy.”

In reality, though, Wren says couples should not wait until they “reach crisis point” to benefit from therapy. “Couples therapy can be about prevention and stability — giving you tools to communicate better, to understand each other more deeply, and to stop resentment before it builds,” she explains.