Why having a crush feels like a lost art in modern dating

Like most '90s kids, I grew up on a steadfast diet of Disney, Yashraj, and Karan Johar movies, and the extremely set belief (delusion?) that my love story would look like romantic eye contact, a cute music video, open arms, rosy forevers, and preferably the Swiss Alps. I’m afraid to say I still haven’t grown out of those fond hopes, which means that if I talk to someone who makes my heart race, I listen to songs and assign meaning to them. I spend maybe a tad bit too long choosing outfits before a date. I analyse social media behaviour with the precision of a detective, and also a 0 per cent ability to handle my findings.

Sometimes, I wonder if we’ve become so good at protecting our emotions that we’ve built walls around ourselves.

Between dating apps, therapy-speak, and compatibility checklists, we've lost one of life's greatest pleasures: developing an absolutely unreasonable attachment to someone who smiled at us twice.

So, are we overthinking ourselves out of romance? Allow me to present a case in the defence of a little delusion.

Dating got smarter, but did it also get less romantic? 

What happened to the delicious uncertainty that once made having a crush so exciting? Not knowing when he’d text is annoying, but wasn’t finally getting to talk to your crush so much sweeter? It was ridiculous. It was irrational. It was, in retrospect, completely wonderful.

A crush is, by definition, a little bit delusional. Not in a concerning way, more like a fun, don’t-take-things-too-seriously kind of way. A crush allows you to build entire worlds using very little information. Someone laughs at your joke. They remember your coffee order. They linger slightly longer than necessary after a conversation. Suddenly, your brain has produced a 12-part miniseries about your potential love story.

Mystery has become increasingly difficult to maintain. A crush thrives in uncertainty and feeds on possibility. But modern dating often encourages immediate clarity. We are expected to know what we want, state our intentions early, and assess compatibility with impressive efficiency. Useful? Absolutely. Romantic? Debatable. 

Everyone is a project manager now

But between “Where do you see yourself in five years?” and “How do you communicate during conflict?”, dating begins to feel like a job interview that you’ve got to excel at. The pressure is on. Yes, these are all important questions. In fact, they're probably healthier than spending six months writing someone's initials in your notebook. But they also leave very little room for yearning. A crush isn't practical, and that's the whole point. You don't develop one because someone ticks every box on a spreadsheet. You develop one because they have a nice laugh. Or because they recommended a book you loved. Or because they looked at you across a crowded room and your heart skipped a beat.

I don’t think that we should completely let go of that hopeful part of us that knows that crushes are built on feelings, not strategy.

The joy of anticipation 

While waiting is usually framed as a negative experience, anticipation can be deeply pleasurable. Research consistently shows that people often derive as much happiness from looking forward to something as they do from the thing itself. 

To be clear, this is not an argument for abandoning boundaries, ignoring red flags, or dedicating six months of your life to someone who replied "haha" three times. Emotional maturity and healthy communication are imperative things. Let’s just add a little more willingness to admit that not every attraction needs to be evaluated for long-term viability within the first ten minutes. 

Lead image: Getty 

Also read: From chasing a dream job to pursuing multiple side-hustles: The career arc is changing 

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