Sex-positive author and digital creator Leeza Mangaldas on refusing to be shamed about her content

‘‘Good girls aren’t supposed to act like that or be assertive about what they like’...that’s what we’ve always heard, isn’t it? But I’ve decided to toss that opinion out of the window! In fact, I live my life by my own principles, every single day. I don’t feel like I’m trying to create a controversy or be disruptive for no good reason. I truly believe that we need to discard the double standards around gender expectations.

When it comes to sex, there exist very rigid and oppressive frameworks that many think are the only acceptable ones—like how sex is reserved only for the married, and only between heterosexual individuals. I don’t think we should tolerate any sort of restriction on our basic rights— the right to bodily autonomy; to sexual, reproductive health; to pleasure; and to love whomever we want.

The trope of the ‘good girl’ has been around for centuries, and it has been so cleverly designed, you don’t even notice you are participating in it and perpetuating your own oppression. We are socialised from such a young age to internalise the idea that we owe the world...to be pretty, docile, become a wife and mother. It’s a double whammy, though. I had internalised a lot of it too, even though I come from a very liberal family. Those who follow the rules are deemed ‘good’, and that permeates professional and educational cultures as well. It’s about creating a system where you strive for validation. And honestly, it’s often easier to conform than to stand out. Think of it: how many people stay in a marriage, even if it’s not a happy one because divorce breaks the rules? We’re so concerned about how others perceive us. And that’s given more importance than how you feel about yourself, or whether you’re really being true to yourself.

Women are constantly denied agency; why can’t we make our own decisions? Why can’t we just be on board with the fact that we deserve to be able to do things for ourselves? There is this relentless desire to control how women can be. It is time to switch that. A lot of what I speak about, through my content, is factual and physically accurate, so it’s hard to argue with it. For instance, the clitoris anatomically exists and is a point of pleasure. However, I get sl*tshamed by trolls who try to attack the character of the person delivering it. Hello, it's 2022! It’s going to take more than calling me a sl*t to shut me up. Also, why would I feel insulted about my content? Some people think that simply talking about sex means it’s an invitation. Luckily, the vast majority of my audience understands what I am doing and appreciates it. For every shaming message, there are 200 messages saying ‘Thank you’, or that they learned something from me, or cheering me on.

Girls are taught to always put others before themselves, so that everyone else is comfortable and happy. In my 20s, I really struggled with this mindset in all aspects of my life (even in the bedroom). Whether it’s saying ‘No’ to work that’s not paying you enough or to expectations from your parents or family or in-laws, you need to do things for yourself. I’d constantly apologise to avoid conflict. To some extent, the patriarchy has made us this way because it’s been so relentless, and for so long. But ask yourself: ‘Am I really doing things for myself?’ or ‘What is my body trying to tell me about what’s missing?’ Today, I use my wonderful tool of self-expression all the time. I acknowledge who I am, and also that nobody’s perfect.”