8 Things Men Want on Their Birthdays...

Vir Das gives us the low down…

#1. Push-ups: Men will try to match their age in push-ups, so if your man just turned 63...good luck. When we realise that we will not be able to accomplish said number of push-ups, we will swiftly ask you to retreat to the bedroom where we can accomplish some easier push-ups.

#2. Hairline Examination: The older we get, the more we'll obsess about our hairline receding. Expect at least 20 minutes in front of the mirror examining where it was, where it is, and where it's headed.

#3. Overestimating Our Capacity to Drink Alcohol: The whole purpose of drinking on your big day is to make damn sure there isn't another one. We will endeavour to accomplish this goal.

#4. Acting: We will pretend to like all the crappy presents people have brought us—the ties and gift coupons, when the only gift we're really going to enjoy is the one we have earmarked and will buy ourselves when you're not watching.

#5. New Underwear: Or maybe that's just me. But I like to begin a birthday by giving my two best friends in the world a present.

#6. Holidays: We will usually want to take off to somewhere where we don't have to exchange pleasantries with a bunch of people who are only there for cake. Just you and us and some sort of Hawaiian shirt and fedora that makes us look stupid—but distracts from the fact that our shorts are waaay too short.

#7. Shaving: We might shave, unless of course we are hipsters in which case, I'm sorry—you're doomed to a lifetime of itchy kisses.

#8. A Loooooooooooonnnnnnnng Nap: If you truly want to give us a gift...please just let us have one.

But mostly, don't worry about what to expect from us today. Worry more about what we expect from you (wink, wink).