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The Ultimate Breakup Guide: How to Respond to Ex Texts, Social Media Breakup Rules and More...

Here’s the zero-mollycoddling, super-honest guide to navigating a breakup all the way back to calmer feels...  

Chapter 1: How  to respond to ex-texts

The ‘ex-text’ is often unwanted, but usually unavoidable. Here’s how to deal when he WhatsApps you out of the blue.

 

1. ‘Hey, can I come pick up my stuff later?’

Er, how about no. You don’t need your ex in your space regardless of who called it quits, and it’s not okay for him to expect you to be available on the day he messages you. Think about how much time you need and where would be a good place to meet before you reply suggesting a place and day for a swap. If you’re not ready, say so.

 

2. ‘Heyyy…/LOL u up?’
The number of ‘Y’s’ is probably a good indicator of how many tequilas he’s downed at the bar. We’ll take a bet he sent this in the early hours of the morning, and that he had no chill when he was doing the drink ‘n’ type. Delete. He’ll thank you for it.

 

3. ‘You’ll never find anyone like me’

This is emotional blackmail, and it’s not cool to take stabs at your future love life. He may be hurting, but you need to protect yourself. Remember: he has no claims on you, and no right to put his  emotions on a pedestal. Do not reply.

 

4. 'I just listened to this song and it reminded me of you’
Sometimes the ‘I miss you’ sentiments need to be kept to yourself. It’s important you give each other space to move on. Take a breath, appreciate that he’s struggling—but whatever you do, don’t listen to that song!

 

5. ‘I know you have a meeting tomorrow morning, good luck’

It’s annoyingly sweet that he’s genuinely thinking of you, and the care he’s expressing does seem authentic. But if he didn’t do this when you were together, this could be a ploy to get back together. If not, it will just make you miss him—so reply, ‘Thank you, but in the future don’t text things like this. It’s difficult for me to move on if you do’.

 

 

Chapter 2: When You Loved Him, But the Timing was off

Timing is something many of us can’t seem to get right. We fall in love with someone just before he takes a job in another city. We meet a wonderful guy who’s in a relationship with someone else. Or maybe he’s the right person in the right situation but we aren’t ready for anything serious. You know it would be perfect—if only it were two years from now, or five. When a breakup is brought on by bad timing, it’s harder to forget because it’s not that you don’t want to be with each other, it’s just that the timing’s off. It’s so difficult to move on from what could have been...

But there’s something we have to make peace with: if it didn’t work out, he wasn’t the right guy. When you’re with the right person for you, time has nothing to do with it. You never have to worry about fitting that person into your life; it already has an opening for them, and they slot in perfectly

 

 

Chapter 3: How to Distract Yourself After a Breakup

Say ‘no’ to endless nights of sobbing into your pillow. Keeping busy will help you...

 

Start a New SeriesWith Netflix now available in India, streaming TV shows has never been easier. On our radar? The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Season two of this comedy (brought to you by Tina Fey) is already out, people!

 

Join a Gym ClassDon’t fall into the unhealthy post-breakup trap of comfort. It will only make you feel worse. Remember when Kelly Osbourne famously checked into a boot-camp rehab after her split from fiancé Matthew Mosshart?  We’re not suggesting a crazy crash diet—but how about balancing out your diet (totally necessary) kilojoule gorge with a new Zumba or Pilates class? Exercise boosts feel-good endorphins.

 

Get on Tinder : A virtual rebound can be therapy in itself, and you don’t have to get all smutty with sexting—some innocent voyeurism will help you give much-needed reassurance that, yes, plenty of other smart (hot)  men exist for when you’re ready.

 

Redecorate You’re single again, and what was your love nest now feels like a painful reminder of the past. Toss out the Polaroid pegs of couple-fies, and the revolting rug he bought. It’s time your space got a fresh start—new bedding, fresh flowers, and an organised cupboard with space that’s just for you.

 

Chapter 4: Things You Miss That Aren’t Him

 

Your daily giggle : replace it with a Jimmy Kimmel binge.

 

A wedding date : replace it with partying single, and a chance to meet new man-candy.

 

Consistent sex : replace it with a friend with benefits, maybe?

 

Coffee with him in bed replace it with an exorbitant mocha latte from the café close to work.

 

His mom replace it with your mom/aunt/cousin/niece—fabulous female members.

 

Rainy days on the couch replace it with girls only pyjama parties.

 

Chapter 5: In Praise of the Virtual Rebound By Georgina Alvontis

“After three-and-a-half years together, my last breakup, with the one I thought was The One, was a soul-crushing four-hour session of me pacing in his kitchen with mascara all over my face. The next few days were filled with cutting disillusionment, and any distraction felt like a miracle—so, at my best friend’s behest, I gingerly joined the Tindersphere. After a few swipes left and right, a number of matches and the occasional ‘Superlike’,  I noticed how I was feeling. I was getting positive affirmation and attention from men I thought were attractive. I was having fun! I stopped obsessing over the details and failures of my past relationship, and instead got lost in a series of virtual flirtations. Cheeky chit-chat, witty banter and some genuinely interesting conversations filled with spaces in the day where I’d otherwise be pining away and feeling lonely.  When we’re newly single, our exes are painfully accessible. I needed a distraction to stop constantly checking for any online posts, messages or activity from him. Tinder turned out to be just the fix; and the best part was, I didn’t have to make myself vulnerable and go out on an actual date until I was ready to. What it did was get me my groove back.”

 

PS : It doesn’t have to be Tinder. Otherwise ‘get-your-groove-back’ options include OKCupid, TrulyMadly, and Match.com.

 

Chapter 6: 9 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO RECENTLY HAD THEIR HEART BROKEN

It’s probably better to just give her flowers and a hug, TBH...

 

1. He’s a d*ck. She’ll probably agree with you in a few days/weeks/months but for now she still loves him and it hurts to hear that.

 

2. There’s a plan for you. So this plan includes pain and torture? She’d rather make her own plans, thanks—involving tequila and pizza.

 

3. At least... Nothing that comes after this phrase is going to help her. Her heart is broken. Her world is shattered. There is no ‘at least’.

 

4. I never liked him anyway. Just. Don’t.

 

5. There are plenty fish in the sea. BUT THAT ONE WAS HER FISH. SHE DOESN’T WANT ANOTHER FISH.

 

6. Do you think he’s gay? It’s very sweet that you think the only logical explanation for someone rejecting her is if he fails all females, but no.

 

7. He didn’t deserve you. Her head knows this, but her heart is so not there yet. Her heart wanted him and he rejected her.

 

8. You weren’t dating for that long, why are you so upset? Sorry if her feelings don’t fit into your official time frame on things.

 

9. He’ll realise his mistake and come back. Secretly, she’s hoping for this; please don’t encourage her.

 

 

Chapter 7: Social Media Breakup No-Nos : What not to do on SM after a breakup.


Snapchatting like you’re on steroids Constantly updating your stories with a string of ‘look how much fun I’m having’ snaps won’t fool anyone. Thinly-veiled statements can have the opposite effect of making him jealous. Our advice? Stay low for a while.

 

Stalking him on Instagram Scrolling the feed of someone who doesn’t want to date you anymore is tempting, but when you start sifting through comments and stalking the girl who cropped up more than once, it becomes virtual self-harm. Remind yourself you’re wasting valuable time that could be spent doing something you love.

 

UnFriending him on Facebook This depends on your post-split vibes. If your ex is harassing you, block him now. But if UnFriending him seems extreme, Unfollow him—you won’t have an unhealthy feed of his updates bombarding you, and you won’t seem like the ‘immature’ one who won’t unfriend him first.

 

SubTweeting him Casting out passive-aggressive 140-character digs only shows you up as childish. It’s really cringe-worthy when someone uses their status to vague-book about ‘that moment you know it ended for a reason’. Don’t let your breakup play out like a social-media opera.

 

UnTagging your couple pics It’s weird when someone who’s been in a three-year relationship wipes out all evidence of its existence. Before you hit the Delete or the Untag button, think why you’re doing it. Do you really want to banish what were once happy memories? That said, if ‘out of sight, out of mind’ works for you, do it.

 

Chapter 8: 8 things to do right now to feel better Just gone through a breakup? Do this, stat!

 

1. Make a killer ‘I don’t need you’ playlist and dance it out.

2. Bubble bath. Now!  Because clichés are clichés for a reason.

3.Google pictures of Chris Hemsworth.

4.Call your best friend and give her a ridiculously in-depth description of what you ate today.

5.Bake/run/teach yourself to paint. Keep busy.

6.Call your mom…
7.…then turn off your phone. That way, you won’t have to wonder if he’ll call.

8. Edit yourself into those photos of Chris Hemsworth.

 

Chapter9: Inspiring Celebrity Breakup Quotes

Just broke up with bae and it hurts like a b*tch?. Take the advice of some of our favourite celebs.

 

“It’s just that you realise you are not meant to go the distance with everybody.”   —Halle Berry

 

“Once you’re back on your feet...that’s the ultimate achievement.”  —Rihanna

 

“The longer you are with the wrong person, the longer you could be overlooking the chance of meeting the right person.”    —Taylor Swift

 

“The best way to mend a broken heart is time—and girlfriends.” —Gwyneth Paltrow

 

“Love did not work with that person. But it can work with another.”  —Eva Longoria