How to stop overthinking in your relationship

We’re all guilty of this. At some or another, we’ve all sat up until the wee hours of the morning nitpicking, analysing and reanalysing at something our partners did or didn’t do. You know what we’re talking about, don’t you? The annoying little unsolicited thoughts that keep shooting at us. Why didn’t they call? Why haven’t they told me they love me in two hours? Are they mad at me because I ate the last fry? Am I overthinking this? It’s a well and if you don’t consciously pull yourself out, you will drown and so will your relationship. Welcome to reality check hour!

While putting in some thought to make your relationship better is obviously needed, obsessing and analysing everything small thing is doing you more harm than good. If you’re worried about the past and the future, when are you living in the present? We get it though, once the spirals have begun turning it’s not so easy to stop. So, to help you, we’ve put together a guide you can use to pump the brakes. 

Accept and interrogate those thoughts   

Here’s the basic truth— if you don’t embrace and acknowledge your thought spiral, you won’t be able to fight it. Your feelings are always valid and giving in to intrusive thoughts doesn’t mean they win. It just means you’re strong enough to accept them so you can challenge them. We get it, it’s very very tempting to just repress these 2 a.m. thoughts that make you question every single thing about your partner. But those thoughts aren’t your friends.  

The way to challenge them is simple. You just question the logic. Ask yourself why you’re making assumptions or whether whatever is nagging at you is a fact or just your opinion. Accepting and challenging the thoughts will give you a new perspective. 

Put your thoughts to the “best friend” test  

A sure-shot way to stop analysing everything your partner says or does is to imagine your best friend was in the same position as you. What would you tell them? Would you let them fall into this bottomless hole of thoughts or stop her by explaining logic? Relationships are tricky and we’ve all been at the overthinking end of it. Why isn’t he replying? Who is he talking to? Why did he take his phone to the bathroom? It’s easy over analyse and the best friend test will stop you from going too far. 

Communication is the key  

If we had a rupee for all the relationship problems that boil down to lack of communication, our bank accounts would be much healthier than they are right now. And overthinking is one of those. It would probably be in the top 10 of the list. Especially if you’re already spiralling about something and your partner is completely in the dark. And the longer you don’t tell them, the worse it’ll get because inadvertently it will impact your mood, behaviour, the way you show them affection and everything else. Which will in turn make your partner think you’re no longer interested in them or something worse. 

The bottom line, no matter what is on your mind, communicate it to your partner and work on finding a solution together. This is not a one-sided battle.  

Confide in your family and friends 

More often than not, overthinking stems from your insecurities and past relationship (or childhood) traumas. And while you should communicate whatever is bothering you to your partner, we get that it is difficult sometimes. Which is why you need to confide in your closest friends and family. Talking about it can take some of the edge off. And you know that they will never steer you wrong. Whether you need a reality check or there are some red flags you’re not clearly seeing but they are driving you to a negative thought spiral, they will give it to you straight.  

Make a gratitude list  

Instead of forcing yourself to stop overthinking (which only makes the thoughts come at you with a vengeance), try shifting your perspective. For instance, if you’re partner hasn’t been as affectionate towards you as you’d want, don’t fixate on that. Instead, list down all the ways they show their love indirectly. Focusing on the positive can go a long, long way.