#SaneGirlEra: Are you mistaking constructive criticism for hate?

Imagine you're working on getting better at something—it could be your job, a skill, or even just yourself—and someone offers you feedback. It immediately stings you and your very first thought is “They’re just being negative.” But is that really true? Is this person really tearing you down or are they simply offering some valuable advice?

Many of us tend to confuse constructive criticism with hate simply because both make us uncomfortable. But there’s a key difference: criticism, even when it’s harsh, is meant to push you forward. Hate, on the other hand, is just someone projecting their negativity onto you. The problem here is that it often sounds the same, making it all too easy to shut down advice we actually need.

The “protect your peace” problem

The “protect your peace” mantra has been everywhere lately, encouraging us to set boundaries, avoid negativity, and prioritise our mental well-being. And while it sounds like solid advice, it can easily stop you from growing.

Growth is uncomfortable. If we reject anything that makes us uneasy, we reject the very thing that helps us improve and evolve. Imagine a scientist saying, “I only want experiments that work perfectly the first time.” It’s absurd. Trial and error is part of discovery. Without that, they’d never discover anything! The same applies to us, if we only accept soft, pleasant feedback, we risk staying exactly where we are.

How can we tell the difference?

One simple way to distinguish between hate and criticism is to ask yourself: What’s the intent behind this? Here's the thing, a critic wants you to improve. Their delivery may not always be gentle, but if you listen, there’s value in what they’re saying. A hater, on the other hand, doesn’t care about your growth. Their words are designed to bring you down. For instance, if someone tells a writer that their work lacks depth, and concludes it with ways to improve, that's a critic and not a hater. The latter will not offer any feedback for improvement. 

As a psychologist, I see this often—people rejecting feedback simply because it’s uncomfortable. In therapy, if I point out patterns they haven’t recognised in themselves, their initial response is to be defensive. But once they sit with it, they begin to recognise it. The same happens in workplaces—employees dismiss constructive criticism, leaders avoid difficult conversations, and businesses stagnate. Meanwhile, those who truly excel—whether in sports, business, or personal growth—actively seek feedback because they understand that discomfort is a sign of learning.

Finding a balance 

Of course, not all feedback deserves space in your mind. Some people can be toxic, and boundaries are essential. But if you automatically reject anything that stings, you might be dodging exactly what you need to hear. It’s like refusing to work out because you don’t want sore muscles. The soreness isn’t the issue—the problem is how you interpret it.

So, the next time you feel a sting from feedback, pause and ask yourself: Is this an attack, or is there something I can take from this? That one question could be the difference between staying the same and evolving into your best self.

Sane Girl Era is a column featuring psychologist Chumki Bose, who pens down her expert advice to help Cosmo readers find solace and sanity amidst the chaos.

Bose is a psychologist who focuses on marriage, relationships, family dynamics, personality disorders, trauma-related psychological issues, anxiety, depression, and existential crises.

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