#SaneGirlEra: How do you spend time with a toxic family member during festivals?

Answer: Set boundaries.

16 September, 2024

#SaneGirlEra: How do you spend time with a toxic family member during festivals?

In our Indian society, one might find that the venerable traditions and cultural conventions often falter when faced with the challenge of recognising troublesome behaviours in a relative or friend and addressing the delicate matter of personal boundaries. There is an absolute lack of understanding. Moreover, when people try to take some personal space for themselves, they are often treated like an alien or Bibhishan, Ravan's traitor brother.

The excessive emphasis on familial duty and deference to the elders can lead to burying one's own needs and feelings beneath layers of decorum. In such a cultural landscape, the notion of emotional or psychological harm may become difficult to manoeuvre, with discussions on mental health and personal boundaries almost impossible to have, particularly within the family, where it is deemed unnecessary or even impertinent. This then makes way for unhealthy dynamics, curbing personal freedom. Furthermore, the lack of knowledge on these subjects means many remain blissfully unaware of what constitutes toxic behaviour or how to address it.

As our society marches forward, it is imperative to spark conversations about these matters to cultivate healthier relationships and nurture individual well-being. Toxic individuals often assume the role of hapless victims, deftly dodging responsibility for their misdeeds, conjuring drama, and evading accountability.

So how do we set boundaries and glide through drama unscathed? Here are a few ways.

- Arrange for activities that afford you personal space and keep your interactions brief and purposeful.

- Embrace festive traditions that bring you joy and divert attention from the toxic individual’s need for constant admiration.

- Avoid confrontations by maintaining light and neutral conversations. It’s wise to have an escape plan for moments when the strain becomes too great.

- Sharing responsibilities, such as organising or planning, can also help manage expectations and ease stress.

- Above all, do not forget to prioritise self-care before and after the event to ensure your own mental peace and sanity.

- Communicate openly and assertively about your needs and limits.

- Focus on your own conduct rather than attempting to reform theirs.

- Practice empathy to grasp their perspective, but do not tolerate mistreatment.

- Find common ground and converse on neutral topics when possible.

Last but not least and the best, toxic people do not take boundaries and 'less-than-full attention' very well, so there will be big shifts in their behaviour when you change yours.

Good luck with changing trends in our culture and more peaceful family times!

Sane Girl Era is our latest column featuring psychologist Chumki Bose, who pens down her expert advice to help Cosmo girls find solace and sanity amidst the chaos.

Bose is the chief psychologist at Mindtribe.in, who focuses on marriage, relationships, family dynamics, personality disorders, trauma-related psychological issues, anxiety, depression, and existential crises.

Also read: #SaneGirlEra: Do therapists tell horrible people that they are horrible?

Also read: #SaneGirlEra: Should you talk about good things before they happen?

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