Why do exes come back when you move on (and what to do about it)

You’ve cried buckets, done whatever you could to heal and move on, and finally said goodbye to the past—and your toxic ex. You’ve found peace, maybe even happiness, with someone new. But just when everything starts to feel all sunshine and rainbows, does hell, in the form of your ex, knock at your doorstep (maybe even literally)?

Maybe they slide into your DMs or casually drop a like or a comment on that soft-launch post with your new partner (this is why you block them immediately). It almost feels like they have a sixth sense for when you’ve moved on.

What is it about such former partners that makes them magically reappear the moment you start dating again? Why is it that they have such a big problem with a new person in your life when they had absolutely no problem dropping you like a hot potato? 

Here are some of the answers.

They thought you were going to miss them forever

For some exes, seeing you happy and with someone new isn’t about you being in love; it’s more about their ego taking a beating. It hurts them even more if they were the ones who ended things. After all, you’ll be the one hurting and wanting them back in your life. But guess what, you did the right thing by not going back to them. The importance that they thought they had in your life is now gone. Having thought you’d have hit rock bottom without them, them seeing you laughing, glowing, and genuinely enjoying the company of someone else shatters the image that they created in their head. It’s nothing more than their bruised ego that makes them want to come back.

They don’t want you, but they don’t want anyone else to have you

Wake up and smell the coffee! Your ex doesn’t want you back because they love you (things wouldn’t have ended otherwise); they want you back because they hate that someone else is your special someone. As mentioned earlier, this is no longer about love or emotions; it’s all about them being possessive and territorial. Like it or not, you’re the one that got away from them. And they want you back.

And yes, they will get more jealous when they see that you’re doing better than expected. That’s exactly what happens when you get treated better. You’re glowing in ways you never did with them. With them no longer being in charge of the situation, it’s this control that they so badly crave.

The person who was chased now does the chasing 

Exes lose the power they had once you’ve moved on. Up until that point, in their head, it was them who had the upper hand, for they thought that you’d always need them. The power dynamic flips once you’ve moved on. And this shift is palpable, as they can not only feel it in their bones, but it’s a feeling that drives them crazy, making them want to chase you again. But remember, they’re chasing you not because they want to repair something broken but because they want to reclaim what they’ve lost (never about you, always about them).

They’re feeling FOMO

Seeing you with someone new might make your ex romanticise the past. At that point, they will only (surprisingly) remember the good parts of the relationship and very conveniently forget the reasons why things ended. The nostalgia, combined with the fear of missing out, creates a false sense of urgency. Such behaviour is rooted more in fear and insecurity than in genuine growth or desire to build something lasting.

What to do when they come back.

When an ex comes back, it can be tempting to respond out of ego or nostalgia—but pause and reflect. Ask yourself why they’ve returned and whether anything has truly changed. Don’t romanticise the past—remember the pain, the sleepless nights crying, and the reasons it ended along with the good as you see how far you’ve come. There is a reason they’re your ex. The next step should be to protect the peace and progress that’s taken you time and strength to build. It wasn’t for nothing.

Lastly, be honest and ask yourself if you are drawn to them or are simply tempted by the validation of being wanted again. If their return brings confusion or chaos, it’s okay to walk away without explanation. Sometimes, protecting your heart means closing the door—for good.

Lead image: Netflix

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