Why does being replaced hurt more than being dumped

Breakups are hard to deal with as no one likes the feeling of being rejected and having to wallow in misery. What makes things worse is when they get the news that their partner has moved on and is now happily with someone else. This bruise on the ego leaves a lot of cuts. It’s one that makes the healing process longer, and tougher. So why do we feel this way? And what should one do? Two therapists show us the way to a better state of mental peace. 

To begin with, it’s completely natural to feel the pain during a breakup. However, the pain of being replaced by your ex can be challenging for many reasons because it invokes a plethora of other emotions. 

The idea of comparison and self-worth

When you see your ex with a new partner, the first feeling that gets triggered is comparison. And when you do that, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy, be a big blow to your ego, and affect your self-esteem. You start to feel like you were passed on. What makes things worse is that this comparison is never logical or rational (such are matters of the heart).  

Rejection and loss

Breaking up with someone can lead to feelings of rejection, but being replaced only intensifies those feelings. Even more so if the ex has moved on faster.
Uncertainty and lack of closure: Seeing your ex with a new partner can make it hard to gain closure. The person then starts to question the authenticity of the past relationship. If the ex moved on faster, you start to wonder if things were ever genuine between the two and if you were a stopgap. This uncertainty and confusion prolong the healing and make it harder to move on because you’re obsessively thinking about it.  

Mixed emotions

Being dumped is direct rejection. But when the ex finds someone new, it can lead to a lot of mixed emotions—sadness, anger, jealousy and even a sense of betrayal which intensifies the pain. 

Social and psychological factors

When one feels this way, they bring upon themselves the added pressure of comparing their own happiness with their ex. You think ‘How do they have a partner and I don’t?’ This heightens the feelings of loss and inadequacy. You’re not coming from a place of good self-esteem.

The most emotionally challenging part is that implies finality. Even after being dumped, there is still some expectation that you are hopeful of getting back. And this feeling is only there till the day your partner hasn’t moved now. The day your ex moves on, the hope is over. If you think your chances are no more, it means that you haven’t moved on. You have to find ways to heal and get over it.

So what does one do? 

Rejection is always going to hurt. We, as humans, can’t accept it. These feelings aren’t normal because it shows that you’ve not moved on. If you’ve decided that things are not working out and have realised that you’re not good for each other, that’s it. Thinking about who they’re dating and how they’re doing better is just not going to be helpful. It implies that you haven’t cut off, moved on, or understood why you broke up. When you have a clear understanding, you accept and understand and live your life the way you always wanted to. That’s the central theme. Unless you’ve not done it, you’re never going to feel ok. When you’re over it, you don’t think about it anymore, miss and crave it. You’ve got work to do and cannot let it affect you.

Since this is situation-specific, the important thing to understand is that you weren’t replaced and rejected, but it was more of an issue of compatibility. You need to get into the reasons why it didn’t work and not take things personally. Objectively understand why you were rejected and replaced. The moment you start looking logically at things will you stop feeling hurt. It’s time to stop replaying only the good times. If there were happy moments, why did the breakup happen? There were big problems and you’re selectively choosing the good parts to feel good and feel hopeful. Understand why things didn’t work out. If things would have, you’d still be in a relationship. 

Instead of thinking about someone else that you once loved, it is now the time to love the person who you love the most—you. Try to find your own footing, self-esteem, and insecurities via therapy. In these times, it is essential to prioritise self-care, seek support and spend time with friends and family.  

Inputs by Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy, and Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai