How to Get Him to Open Up

So you like to talk about feelings; he doesn’t. It’s not his fault. “Boys are taught to be less emotionally open,” says Ronald Levant, a professor of psychology at the University of Akron, US. “They are socialised never to cry and to embrace traditional norms of masculinity.” But things are changing. Millennial men are more down for deep convos, says Levant, but there are differences in how men and women communicate. “We all share the need for love,” assures Levant, “but men don’t always grasp how to use talking as a way to get that.” For a lot of men, physical contact (read: sex!) or even just hanging with you is their way of letting you in. Here, methods to get his lips moving.

Get Him Busy

When was the last time your BF bonded with his buddies over a quiet dinner? Exactly. “Face-to-face convos can make men feel vulnerable, so getting into a serious discussion while engaged in an activity, like driving, feels safer,” says Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don’t Understand! Sustained eye contact can also cause confusion. “Between two men, a direct gaze can be a sign that you’re looking for a fight,” she explains. And with a woman, a guy may perceive a long stare as you being DTF, not down to talk.

“Either way, he may close up because he’s either too on guard, or too focused on sex,” Tannen says.

Ease Into It

“Not all men are used to describing their emotions, so when you ask him what he’s feeling, he may not know what to say,” says Mark Feinberg, PhD, a professor of health and human development at Pennsylvania State University. Worse, it can put him on the defensive. So avoid the “Why so quiet?” approach. Instead, just say: ‘I’m here to listen’. That phrase sends the clear message that you’re ready to hear him. Then, if he tells you, ‘My boss hated my report’, rather than firing off questions, use empathy. Say: ‘I’d be so bummed if that happened to me!’ which signals that you’re not judging him.

Bring Up Faves

While listening to him reel off football stats may not feel like bonding, Feinberg points out that “dismissing small talk as superficial is a mistake”. Engaging over lighter topics your guy cares about can actually bridge toward more emotionally charged subjects. When you say, ‘Let’s talk’, he senses something is wrong. But casual chitchat about his interests reinforces that this isn’t an interrogation. And if you take his side, he may be more likely to open up about stuff that matters to you later.

Give Him All

When he does start chatting, zip it. “When women are conversing, there’s mutual engagement—overlapping, interjecting, commenting— and less turn-taking,” Feinberg says. “But for a guy, it’s easier to get his point across when he gets to say something without interruption.”

Try Laughter

Could watching Fallon be the cure to a communication freeze? Yeah. A study found that people are more likely to share personal details after a laugh. Just make sure your man isn’t the punch- line, Tannen says. He might take that as a hit to his masculinity and clam up.

This article was published in January 2017 issue of Cosmopolitan India