Is there really a ‘happy couple’ checklist?

Five Signs You’ve Found Your Soulmate’ declares a black and white square on my Instagram Explore page. Right under it is a pink and white one that warns about the ‘7 Things He Does If He’s Cheating’. Posts like these are in my curation because I read about sex and relationships constantly for work, and the range of advice on the platform definitely runs the gamut.

To look to social media for advice is not uncommon. A 2025 study by health policy organisation Kaiser Family Foundation (KFF) finds that over half of adults use social media for health advice (58 per cent for mental health). Online mental health platform ReachOut Australia sampled 2,078 young people (aged 16-25 years), finding that 73 per cent turn to TikTok, YouTube, or Instagram for support. It’s a comfortable thing to reach for; why shouldn’t a platform that provides entertainment and validation also provide guidance? But, unlike professional sources, there is no quality assessment for social media guidance. The good, the bad, and the ignorant all colour your grid, indistinguishable from one another. All proffering their brand of fast advice for issues of every shape and size. 

This idea of a ‘good relationship’ or a ‘happy couple’ isn’t necessarily coming from a bad place—but it creates a one-size-fits-all template.

There is panic-mongering content, of course: Quickie listicles with a few (often unreliable) indicators of behaviours that feed into our insecurities. Ten signs your partner might be cheating, thinking about cheating, losing interest, or is toxic. This kind of content is popular in clandestine ways—things we read in private to draw our own, inner conclusions. But another type of clickbait exists, with a more positive spin to it...on the surface. This feeds into the relationship checklist that we ‘should’ be looking for. Signs you’ve found the love of your life, that you have a good partner, or that they’re “marriage material”. It seems benign as a genre, with the (perceived) goal of validating your choices. But it can, instead, create its own kind of discord.

“I saw this post that said, ‘This is what effort looks like in healthy relationships’. A bunch of things on the list got to me. ‘Checking in, even on busy days’, for instance. Or, ‘Planning quality time, not just waiting for it,’ says Janani V, 35, who’ll be married four years this November. However, she found that her disappointment lay in herself, not her partner: “As someone with ADHD, I can be very scattered, which means I can forget to check in on him, to plan dates, or to say thank you, sometimes. I love him so much, and I try to show it in many ways. But this list made me feel like a bad partner anyway.”

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There is no dearth of women choosing to be single—but Anita T, 26, identifies as non-binary, and finds that a lot of these lists are “steeped in patriarchy”. They’ve been with their partner for six years and don’t ascribe to traditional gender roles. “She’s a good partner if she does X, he’s a good partner if he takes the garbage out—whatever,” they scoff. 

“Our responsibilities are divided based on our strengths and preferences, not the social expectations of what we’re meant to perform within our gender.” Anita also points out that “fidelity” is often lauded by these lists for men, but isn’t mentioned for women. “It’s like women are naturally expected to be faithful, just as men are expected not to be—and when they are, it’s an anomaly that deserves applause,” she explains. 
While the stats in India aren’t quite there yet, several articles point out how the majority of emotional and physical labour in relationships is borne by women. There is, of course, also evidence to suggest that men have the tendency to be unfaithful in happy relationships more than women. But if you choose the right wording, you’ll find stats to support any perspective. This idea of a “good relationship” or a “happy couple” doesn’t necessarily come from a bad place—but it creates a one-size-fits-all template that can make you feel like you’re falling short. 

...another type of clickbait exists, with a more positive spin to it... on the surface. This feeds into the relationship checklist that we ‘should’ be looking for.

Vaishali V, 29, feels flustered every time she finds a post about how often happy couples have sex. “The answer is invariably two to three times a week—and that’s just not us,” she says. Between her commute to and from work, and her husband not being a very sexual person, their frequency is maybe a tenth of that number. It has never been a problem for us; we are loving and kind, and show affection in other ways. But reading this stuff makes you feel like there’s something askew,” she adds. 

The trouble with checklists that mention specific acts (like washing dishes) or numbers (like frequency of sex) is that it’s exclusionary. It excludes mental health, gender binaries, sexual orientations, finances, living situations (like long distance), and structures (like polyamory). They are often rooted in the ideal of the straight couple, and in “idealised” partners versus what we need individually. 

That said, it’s hard not to click on one of these Reels when they turn up; it’s only human to compare ourselves to the “ideal”. But it helps to remember, just like perfect cheekbones or Santorini sunsets, it is just an ideal. It is not even “the ideal”—just the version of someone on Instagram. No one ticks every box on the “happy couple” checklist, and not everyone even wants to.

The real ‘happy couple’ checklist 

There is never going to be a free-size list with the exact makings of a good couple, relationships are too diverse for that. But there are a few markers that you’re in a good place with your partner(s)...

Do you both make the effort? 

Effort is never 50-50 every day, but the odds shouldn’t be slanted in one partner’s favour. The kind of effort you both put into making your relationship work might be different, but as long as you don’t consistently feel like you’re the only one making an effort, you’re in a good spot. 

Are you having the kind of sex you want to? 

Whether it’s positions, foreplay, kinks, or vanilla sex, are you both able to explore the things you want to with each other? Can you at least talk about it? Contrary to media discourse, there is no “healthy” amount of sex a couple should be having. Drives differ, as do schedules and lifestyles. There is no “right kind” or “right amount”. 

Do you feel loved? 

Not all day, every day—we all have lives to live, and they’re tiring. But overall, when you pull back and think about it, do you feel like you are loved? Do you feel that at the heart of every conflict, big decision, and messy moment, your partner is coming from a place of love? If the answer is yes on most days, you have a good thing going. 

Do you feel respected? 

Love can conquer all, except disrespect. A good partner should always treat you with respect. This is not the same as anger, a fight, or a meltdown—discord is different. But if your partner keeps crossing your boundaries, ignoring your opinions, or talking down to you, it’s a red flag. Whether it’s a deal-breaker or a fixable problem is for you to decide. 

And lastly, do they make you want to be better? 

The greatest difference between a toxic relationship and a healthy one is the sides of you they bring out. Deep love, incredible chemistry, getting each other—all great. But if they consistently pull you down (or you do the same to them) with no visible effort to change, you’re unlikely to be happy in the long run. Rough patches are normal, but what separates happy from toxic is effort and intent.

Lead image: Pexels

Also read: Is low-effort dating the future of modern romance?

Also read: 7 signs you’re falling out of love with your partner