Is your partner’s body count a red flag or just...a number?

We've all heard the question—sometimes whispered, sometimes hurled mid-argument: “How many people have you been with?” Whether it’s asked out of curiosity, jealousy, or insecurity, the so-called “body count” debate has a way of resurfacing in even the most modern relationships. 

In the recently released film Aap Jaisa Koi, middle-aged Sanskrit professor Shrirenu Tripathi finds himself unsettled when he learns about Madhu Bose’s sexual history, questioning her character while grappling with his own inexperience. It’s a scenario many might recognise, where the question of a partner’s 'body count' becomes a point of tension in a relationship.

But is the number of people your partner has slept with truly a red flag, or is it just that—a number that says little about their capacity for honesty, intimacy, or commitment? We speak to the experts to find out. 

There is no universal ‘high’ number

Khushi Parikh, an intimacy therapist at Adiika Wellness, emphasises that there is no fixed number that can be labelled as ‘too high’. “What’s high for one person may be normal for another. For some, even three partners may feel like a lot,” she says. Instead of focusing on the count, she suggests asking: Does my partner’s sexual history affect the trust and emotional connection we share?

Often, discomfort around body count stems from fears about a partner’s approach to intimacy. “Is the other person avoidant of intimacy, impulsive, or do they use sex to escape emotional connection—this is a real fear among most people,” Parikh adds. “If sex was a means of validation or escapism, that’s worth exploring, but if it was conscious, mutual exploration, it isn’t a red flag.”

Why context matters more than the count

Sherene Chaz, psychologist and gen practitioner-RSE (relationship and sex ed) level 4, certified by AIMS UK, explains that our anxiety around a partner’s past often has more to do with our own fears and moral beliefs. “When you hear about their past, you may start judging them because you want to protect yourself. But none of this should matter as much as we let it,” Chaz says. She believes the real focus instead should be on sexual health and safety. “It’s important to know if they are tested and safe. That’s the right approach, rather than getting stuck on the number.”

If a partner is unwilling to have open conversations about sexual health, that’s a legitimate red flag. “Ask if they’re okay getting tested, and if they react with ‘You don’t trust me?’, that’s a red flag in itself,” Chaz adds.

Double standards and gendered perceptions

There’s often a stark double standard when it comes to body count, where men are encouraged to own their sexuality while women are shamed for theirs. Parikh highlights that these double standards can be damaging and that respect and equality are non-negotiable in any relationship.

“If you’re not equal in a relationship, it’s not even a relationship,” Chaz says. This double standard can also appear in reverse, where someone with no sexual experience may judge a partner for having one. “Regardless of gender, the core idea is respect.”

Is a high body count linked to cheating?

Another fear tied to body count is the assumption that a higher number may indicate unreliability or a tendency to cheat. Chaz clarifies, “Those with a high body count aren’t characterless. What matters is whether they are safe and honest.”

Parikh agrees, adding that it’s important to observe how a partner talks about their past. Are they boasting about it to prove their worth? Do they dismiss boundaries or consent? Or are they honest, vulnerable, and self-aware about their past experiences? “Them acknowledging how they approached intimacy before shows insight and growth,” she explains.

How to have the conversation respectfully

If you’re curious about your partner’s sexual history, approach the conversation with respect and clarity, not suspicion. Chaz suggests starting with, “Have you had relationships before?” followed by, “Are you safe and willing to get tested?” A willingness to discuss this openly is a green flag, while defensiveness and evasion could indicate deeper issues.

So, does body count matter?

Ultimately, the real question is: How do you view intimacy and connection in your relationship? Body count only matters if it reveals a fundamental mismatch in values or approach to intimacy. “If your values align and sex is used to connect rather than escape, then it’s not a problem,” Parikh concludes.

The bottom line: A partner’s body count isn’t inherently a red flag. What truly matters is how they view intimacy, whether they prioritise honesty and safety, and if your values align. In the end, it’s not about the past—it’s about the present and the connection you’re building together.

All images: Netflix

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