An Open Letter to Every Man Who's Asked to 'Make Frandship' With a Girl

​If there's one part of Facebook that's provided me unending amusement for a number of years, it's the 'Other' folder in my inbox. Every few months, when I find myself surrounded by a gaggle of the right kind of girls (with a slightly cruel streak that they're not afraid to show), I open this, and find myself barraged with a series of 'frandship' quests that are just far too laughable to be taken seriously.

Bachelor Number 1: "Gurl. I like ur style."

Bachelor Number 2: "Hi, my name is Roshan and aapne meri zindagi kar di hai Roshan. Jk. But yes, can I take you for a date?"

Bachelor Number 3: "What if life witout gud friends, and friends can never be 2 many. I will be honoured to be a friend of one so lovely as yourself."

And of course, my favourite, the fourth-wall breaker.

Bachelor Number 4: "I know you get a lot requests saying 'hi, I wanna make a frandship with you.' But I am not like those other guys. I just really want to get to know you. Your profile pic is truly a stunner, and such a beautiful person on the outside must surely be beautiful on the inside as well."

Wow, guy. Your understanding, acknowledgment and acceptance of the 'creep approach' most definitely deducts atleast 10% ick-factor from your own, stealthier creep approach.

Here's the thing, though. You're still 90% creep.

The problem is, most men legitimately think that telling a girl she has two or more of the following properties will give them an 'in' to their hearts (read: pants):

• 1)I have a 'gr8' profile pic (thanks. That's why I 'pic'-ed it (minus five for lazy abbreviations as well).
• 2)I have a 'beautiful' soul (You like? I got it at Zara.)
• 3)You can see that you and I will have a 'connection'.
• 4) I know lots of people tell me I'm pretty (nope. Mostly my mom.)
• 5) You want to be my 'friend/frand/pal/buddy/get2noeme'.

What they don't realize is that any breed of these garden-variety creep-isms is likely to ensure I not only never see you as a contender in the quest for my affections, but you also secure this message receiving multiple, hearty LOLs.

The truth is, if you really do find a girl on social media that you find yourself itching to creep on, there's a way to get her attention. I'm going to let you in on the best way to make your move.

Don't.

Fine, okay, seriously though. Most women are going to delete a creep message, no matter how many 'beautiful's you throw in there, or how much you feel like 'you cud be gr8 friends.'

Instead, maybe try finding some common ground. Maybe you like the same music. Maybe you went to the same college. Maybe both of you know the same Tanya.

Then, use that common ground to your advantage. Ask her if she knows common Tanya. She does. You know it. Chat about it. Isn't Tanya nuts? Hahaha.

Show interest in an event she's interested. Talk to her on a comment thread about that event. She doesn't have to know you've scoured her profile pictures so rigorously, you could ace a 'Match-The-Likes-To-The-Picture' quiz on them. It's a safer, creep-buffer zone.

Don't, at any point, offer your 'frandship'. One can make cookies, not friendship. Okay, you can make friends. But that's not the point. I digress.

Also, lastly, and this part is CRUCIAL. Don't be a creep. Take out your inner creep and beat him to death. Tell him never to click 'Add Friend' because a girl is in a bikini. Or hot pants. Or is on Facebook. Tell him to look for love in real time. And, chiefly, buy him the fattest grammar workbook you can find and start a stopwatch. Now.