” I Am Not a Gay Man, I Am a Transwoman": Designer Swapnil Shinde Shares Transition to Saisha

Celebrity designer Swapnil Shinde, whose client base comprises actors such as  Deepika Padukone, Kareena Kapoor and Anushka Sharma, came out as a transwoman earlier this year, changing her name to Saisha. The designer regularly shares pictures of her new look as she puts forth her new persona to the world.” I feel a sense of peace that I have longed for all my life,” writes Saisha on Instagram, stating, “ I am not a gay man, I am a transwoman.”

Cosmo India spoke to Saisha about her experience of coming out as a transwoman, the reason behind her decision, the challenges she has faced and her hopes and dreams for the future. 

Cosmo India: Congratulations on your new identity! When did you realise that you were a transwoman? 

Saisha: In the same way that a straight person knows from the moment they are born that they are straight, and a gay person knows that they are gay. It's not like these things develop over time. That's exactly how I always knew that I was a woman on the inside. In time, I realised that I'm not a woman on the outside,  that I had actually been born a boy. In the very early days of childhood, you don’t understand exactly what’s happening to your body, and why it is that you feel a certain way yet you look another way. It’s when you enter your teens that you become aware, that you accept this difference. 

Cosmo India: Can you explain in your own words what gender dysphoria is? 

Saisha:  To simplify, it's either a man trapped in a woman's body or a woman trapped in a man's body. It represents people who have confused identities about their anatomy. For instance, they know that they have a specific body but on the inside, they are someone else and that, in a nutshell, is what gender identity dysphoria is.

Cosmo India: What was it like for you growing up? 

Saisha: Growing up for me was extremely difficult. I was anyway a very shy kid. I was very close to my teachers, they were really sweet and supportive of me, but I was teased a lot by my peers. It’s not that I was effeminate, I was just terribly shy. And I was teased heavily in school and in college. No one in my family was aware of this, I was living with this pain for all those years, right from the ten years of school to the two years of college. There were things written on my books, and things were written on the desks that I would sit on. Certain things were called out even when I would just walk by. I remember each and every day of walking down the lane that I used to live in. The boys in that society would scream out loud and make catcalls, and they would really tease me a lot. It honestly was the most difficult phase of my life.

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Cosmo India: What finally led you to claim your identity? 

Saisha: I have always been very honest as to who I am. Till the time that I thought I was gay, I was an openly gay man. The day I accepted that I'm not gay, that I am a transwoman, I accepted that reality as well. Whether I wanted to live my life as a transwoman or not was the question mark, the fact that I was a transgender woman on the inside, I had accepted a while back. The acceptance that I want to live my life as a transwoman happened during the lockdown when pretty much everyone's fears were on the forefront and you had to deal with them, you couldn't run away from them. That's when my therapy sessions reached a complete turning point. One specific session was life-transforming for me. It led me to deal with my demons and accept my reality.

Cosmo India: Any defining moment or incident you would like to share? 

Saisha: For me, there's not just one defining moment, but many. When you're doing something so drastic to yourself, the defining moments are literally every little step of the change you're making. I mean, I've lived close to 38 years of my life as a man. I had a very masculine sense of fashion, so every minute change for me was a defining moment. Probably the most powerful defining moment for me would be when I stepped out, fully-dressed as a woman for the very first time to go to my office. I guess that would definitely be the most defining moment.

Cosmo India: What makes Saisha different from Swapnil? 

Saisha: The only thing that makes Saisha different from Swapnil is the external aspect of it. Internally, I've always been Saisha. What I saw in the mirror was not reflecting what I was on the inside. That being said, I've always been very rebellious. I've always been someone who believes in being honest about who you are. I feel honesty is always appreciated and accepted. If what you do is done with pure love and joy, it's very rare that it will not find acceptance. Probably the one thing that's different is my involvement in rights for the LGBTQ community, and human rights in general. I believe that I am definitely going to be a lot more involved in the future, and that's probably going to be the main difference.

Cosmo India: What part of Swapnil do you retain? 

Saisha: Except for the name and the external aspects of Swapnil, the real Swapnil is always going to be me, who I am as a person intrinsically is never going to change. The things that that I have been born with are never going to change. That to me is being the real Swapnil and the real Sasha. This divide between who you are externally and internally, it has to be broken. Probably the one special thing that I would love to retain is the fact that I am who I am today because of what I did as Swapnil in my professional life. What I achieved as Swapnil as a designer has led me to this junction. I believe that’s definitely something I will always retain and keep with me till the end. 

Cosmo India: How do you feel now? What are your hopes and dreams for the future? 

Saisha: I feel absolutely elated, I feel free, I feel liberated! Think of all the positive nouns out there, I'm feeling all of those at once. But beyond anything else, I feel a sense of responsibility. Not everyone has been given this privilege and this platform. I've taken this courageous step and it comes with a huge responsibility because I  have to fight for all those people, all those kids who are facing similar issues. I've been blessed that I didn't go through even an iota of what many have been through. For the future, I hope that I am able to involve myself in working for the rights of my community, and human rights in general. As far as my personal dreams are concerned, I just want to have an amazing brand. It’s going well and I hope that it just becomes stronger.

Cosmo India: Your advice for those suffering from gender dysphoria and struggling with their gender/ sexual identity? 

Saisha: My biggest advice for people who are struggling with their identity— their sexual identity, gender identity or any identity— is to communicate. It's so important that you talk about what you're going through. You never know who might be able to help you and in what form. The most important thing is to communicate and talk about it. Then, of course, comes the real battle of acceptance and dealing with it. My advice would also be for parents, to accept and raise their child as a child, not as a girl or a boy.