Being nice is exhausting! Here's why being the bigger person isn’t always healthy

If I had a dime for every time I was told to “let it go” or “be the bigger person,” I’d have enough for a house of my own—yes, even in a city as relentlessly expensive as Mumbai.

We’ve been conditioned to believe that being a good person means being polite, soft-spoken, and always accommodating. The main culprit? Films, books, and pop culture that made niceness look like the ultimate virtue. But at what point did being nice start costing us so much? The nice guy rarely gets chosen. The nice girl is often forgotten. And more often than not, niceness doesn’t buy you respect—it just leaves you feeling small. You walk away carrying the weight of everything you didn’t say, every moment you chose restraint over honesty, and every time you were expected to make yourself easier for someone else’s comfort.

Who does “be the bigger person” actually benefit?

When you think about it, the only person who benefits or rather is protected by this silly advice, is the person who caused the problem in the first place. They get to have the last word, avoid awkward conversations, and actually get away with what might be really bad behaviour. Not to mention, the weight of the emotional labour is conveniently dumped on the one who is already hurting. So being the bigger person isn't really about growth but rather silence that lets people off the hook while you’re left managing the fallout.

Protecting your peace is important, but not when it comes at the cost of your self-worth. Constantly choosing to let things slide might give you a bit of peace at that moment, but sooner or later, it turns into resentment that is quietly bubbling under the surface. You question your reactions, minimise your feelings, and convince yourself it “wasn’t a big deal anyway.” And over time, that kind of self-editing erodes your sense of self, making you feel exhausted, unseen, and oddly disconnected from your own needs.

Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean raising your voice or burning bridges. It can be as simple as saying, “That didn’t sit right with me,” or “I’m not okay with this.” It’s about clarity, not conflict. Boundaries don’t make you difficult, they make your expectations visible. And yes, it might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if people are used to you being agreeable. But that discomfort is less your concern, and sometimes an important sign that something is finally shifting.

Choosing yourself is not a moral failure

The guilt that comes with speaking up is real, especially if you’ve been praised your whole life for being easygoing. But choosing yourself doesn’t make you selfish, dramatic, or unkind. It makes you honest. Being the bigger person isn’t about shrinking yourself to keep the peace—it’s about knowing when peace comes at too high a cost. Sometimes, holding your ground is the most respectful thing you can do for yourself.

Also read: Sorry, not sorry—over-apologising is holding you back and here’s how to fix it

Also read: 10 easy (and expert-approved) habits for better mental health when you're overwhelmed