Sorry, not sorry—over-apologising is holding you back and here’s how to fix it

“Sorry, quick question.” “Sorry, I know you’re busy.” “Sorry, this might sound silly.” “Sorry, I’ll stop talking now.”

If any of these sentences feel uncomfortably familiar, bad news: you're an over-apologiser. No, it doesn’t mean you’re dramatic or overly emotional. Just polite, empathetic, and conflict-averse. Basically, a decent human being living in a world that quietly conditions people to take up less space.

Somewhere along the way, “sorry” stopped being about accountability and started becoming a reflex. Like a verbal cushion that softens your presence before anyone even has a chance to reject it. But here's a question: why? No one is asking you to develop a giant ego overnight and cosset yourself in it. But you don’t need to shrink yourself to accommodate everyone else’s needs, or sometimes to just keep the peace.

But why do we apologise so much, anyway? 

But here’s the part that no one tells you: over-apologising slowly chips away at your confidence.

When you apologise unnecessarily, you undermine your authority at work and minimise your feelings in relationships. You teach people to dismiss your needs and make yourself responsible for things you can’t control, like other people’s behaviour. It also creates emotional exhaustion. You’re constantly managing how others might feel, instead of honouring how you feel.

What you can do instead 

The golden rule: Apologise when you’ve actually done something wrong 

This isn’t a free ticket to escape accountability; it’s a reminder that apologies are powerful when they’re intentional. Save them for moments when you’ve hurt someone, crossed a boundary, or made a genuine mistake. You’ll also need to get comfortable with micro-discomfort. The pause after you don’t apologise, or the neutral expression when someone doesn’t immediately reassure you. It’s okay. If you’re genuinely in the right, let people sit with their feelings. Let situations be a little awkward. You don’t need to rush in and fix everything. When considering apologies, think deeply. If it’s genuinely repairing harm, that’s important. If it’s just making someone else more comfortable at your expense, pause. People who are used to you shrinking might feel unsettled when you stop apologising. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means the dynamic is changing. 

Lead image: Getty 

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