Breaking the confidence myth—why you actually don’t need to have it all figured out

We’ve been conditioned to the idea that confidence is a goal, but what if real strength comes from adaptability and learning on the go?

Jan 18, 2026

Confidence has become one of the most overused and misunderstood words of our time. We’re told to confidently fake it till we make it at work, in love, and even in our healing. Social media rewards certainty, decisiveness, and bold self-assurance, making it seem like everyone else knows exactly who they are and where they’re headed. Meanwhile, real life feels messier: full of pauses, doubts, detours, and moments where you’re simply figuring things out as you go.

The truth is, confidence isn’t a fixed state you arrive at one morning and maintain forever. It shifts with context, experience, and change. Chasing a rigid, flawless version of it may actually be doing more harm than good. So here's how adaptability, self-trust, and comfort with uncertainty are far more sustainable markers of emotional strength.

Why we’re obsessed with the idea of confidence

We live in a world that equates confidence with success. From productivity culture to dating advice, the message is loud and clear: know what you want, say it boldly, and never hesitate. Hesitation is framed as weakness, and doubt is seen as failure. But this obsession with confidence has created a performance problem. Instead of feeling secure internally, many people focus on appearing confident externally, especially online. Perfect captions, curated milestones, and constant self-assurance become a kind of armour. The irony is that the more we perform confidence, the more disconnected we can feel from ourselves.

And that’s where the myth begins: the belief that confidence is something you must project, rather than something you quietly build.

Sophia Peermohideen, clinical psychologist and behavioural therapist, draws a clear distinction between inherent and performative confidence. “True inner confidence comes when you are able to accept yourself for the person you are and be authentic in your own skin. It does not depend on what others think of you. It comes from your own life experiences, from making mistakes and growing. Sincerity and personal growth motivate inner confidence. It comes with accepting yourself, along with your strengths and weaknesses.”

Especially in the age of social media, this distinction takes on new meaning. “Performative confidence craves external validation and admiration. It needs adulation and approval from others. It is seen in bold posts, curated photos, flashing accomplishments, or a tendency to impress others. It can appear strong outwardly but may mask insecurity underneath: ‘I must be liked by people.’ The disadvantage is that performative confidence is shaky because it depends on others’ approval or disapproval, ‘likes’ or ‘dislikes’, and the need to impress others and gain status,” she continues.

Coping with the anxiety of trying to have it all figured out

We’re often told that clarity equals calm. But according to Peermohideen, the opposite is frequently true. “Constantly striving to have everything figured out can significantly increase anxiety. This pursuit often creates unrealistic expectations, leads to a fear of uncertainty, and triggers a desire to control the uncontrollable aspects of life, which ultimately amplifies stress and worry. An excessive need for a fixed plan reduces flexibility and tends to cause worry, often leading to procrastination through avoidance. The overwhelming task of making the ‘right’ decision can result in putting off decisions entirely, causing underlying anxiety to persist or worsen. Accepting that uncertainty is a natural part of life and developing coping mechanisms like mindfulness can be helpful in managing anxiety and worry,” she shares.

Why confidence evolves with you

So why has certainty become the benchmark of success? Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, explains, “Confidence is often treated like a final destination because certainty feels safe. We are surrounded by messages that suggest we should start the year feeling sure, decisive, and clear about our direction. But in real life, confidence rises and falls depending on what we’re going through. During new phases such as career changes, emotional loss, or personal growth, it’s normal for confidence to feel shaky. From a psychological point of view, confidence isn’t something we achieve once and keep forever; it evolves as we gain experience and adapt to change.”

Fluctuating levels of confidence don’t mean you’re failing; they mean you’re human. Confidence evolves with experience and adapts as circumstances change. Treating confidence as a fixed endpoint only creates unnecessary pressure. When it inevitably wavers, people assume something is wrong with them rather than recognising that change naturally disrupts self-assurance.

Why uncertainty might be your superpower

Uncertainty is often framed as weakness, but sitting with not knowing is actually a sign of emotional resilience. According to Dordi, “Uncertainty is often misunderstood as weakness, but the ability to sit with ‘not knowing’ is actually a sign of emotional strength. When people cling too tightly to rigid self-belief, even small setbacks can feel destabilising. Adaptability allows us to adjust, learn, and move forward even when things don’t go as planned. Those who are open to change tend to recover better from setbacks than those who expect unwavering certainty from themselves.”

Building self-trust organically

Peermohideen suggests starting with self-trust. Showing up, making choices, and learning from outcomes, both good and bad, creates proof that you can rely on yourself. “Building trust within oneself involves working on consistency, competence, and self-compassion, and taking incremental actions rather than expecting an immediate feeling of unwavering belief. Self-trust is built on evidence that you can rely on yourself. Start small and grow in alignment with your goals, accept imperfection, and learn from mistakes. Confidence will follow. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment. It’s okay to feel uncertainty or fear during major life changes. Seek support by talking to trusted friends, family, or a therapist. Engage in mindfulness; practices like meditation or deep breathing help bring awareness to the present moment, reduce anxiety about past failures or future uncertainties, and build a sense of internal stability.”

Allow feelings without judgment

During transitions like career shifts or break-ups, uncertainty is inevitable. Acknowledging fear or doubt without criticising yourself creates emotional safety. Dordi says, “Self-trust grows from small, repeated actions, not from pretending to feel confident. During transitions, it helps to focus on responding thoughtfully rather than having everything figured out. Each time someone makes a decision, sets a boundary, or handles discomfort with kindness, trust in themselves strengthens. Confidence often comes later, after we’ve already taken steps forward. Allowing yourself to grow as you go is often far more stabilising than demanding instant clarity.”

Redefining confidence

If confidence is allowed to fluctuate, uncertainty becomes less threatening. You stop demanding clarity before action and start trusting your ability to adapt as things unfold.

The myth of confidence tells us we must be sure to move forward. The truth is far gentler: you can move forward while unsure. You can grow without having everything mapped out. And you can build a life rooted not in rigid certainty, but in resilience, adaptability, and self-trust.

Lead image: Getty Images

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Breaking the confidence myth—why you actually don’t need to have it all figured out

We’ve been conditioned to the idea that confidence is a goal, but what if real strength comes from adaptability and learning on the go?

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