Calling bullsh*t on ‘the grand gesture’—why love is better without the performance instead

It’s 1989. John Cusack is standing beneath Ione Skye’s bedroom window in Say Anything. A boombox blares Peter Gabriel’s In Your Eyes. He gets the girl. Fifteen years later, Ross is running to the airport so he can tell Rachel he loves her. She gets off the plane. Richard Gere climbs a fire escape for Julia Roberts. In another timeline, Roberts stands in front of Hugh Grant, just a girl asking a boy to love her. Hugh Grant, in an alternate universe, is debuting a love song he wrote for Drew Barrymore in concert at Madison Square Garden. 

Any millennial-slash-Gen Z childhood was simply riddled with The Grand Gesture™; the catch-all end-of-movie moment that rights every wrong, asserting once and for all that size does, in fact, matter. It is the marker of a “big” love; one that separates it from the quiet, every day love that most couples experience. It is the perfect prefix to the Hollywood kiss. It’s why proposal photography, as a concept, even exists. 

I’ve consumed enough romcoms (in the name of research, of course) to have internalised what a lot of my generation did as well—that the grand gesture was the Hail Mary that could save any sinking (relation)ship. And if you look at the grand gesture with a closer lens, you realise that’s what its purpose is: to save. The move is a big, sweeping moment that carries away the very real problems that preceded it. In 10 Things I Hate About You (1999), Julia Stiles forgives Heath Ledger for being paid to date her because he... buys her her dream guitar. In She’s All That (1999), a chase and a dance magically fixes the fact that Freddie Prinz Junior dated Rachel Leigh Cook to win a bet. Tom Hanks organises a park date in You’ve Got Mail (1998) to...make up for bankrupting Meg Ryan’s bookshop? 

For generations, we normalised these kind of big gestures, glossing over real flaws in a relationship. It didn’t have to be on-screen alone—we’d see it in a surprise proposal a friend got from a toxic boyfriend, or a cousin’s husband buying her a diamond necklace to make up for working constantly. The idea was, if the deed was weighty enough, it could knock the sins of the relationship out of the park. Sins, then, that were never addressed afterwards. This doesn’t mean that every grand gesture has an agenda. 

But that most can come from a place of being an emotional Band-Aid™ instead of continual care. “My ex was the grand gesture type,” says Aashna*, 27. “He came from money and used it whenever things got to a head with us. I constantly thought he was cheating—and I eventually turned out to be right. But whenever I’d express that I was unhappy, he’d do something over the top; buying me an expensive bag I’d had my eye on, or planning a getaway for us. It would overwhelm me for a bit, and it felt so thoughtful that it distracted me from all the other stuff.” 

It was similar for Samara*, 34, who found that she romanticised a lot of things about her partners in the past and forgave a lot when a grand gesture came. “I had relationships where I would feel like I was being dismissed, gaslit, or even infantilised. And these things would fester; but I would be thrown off course when they did something ‘big’ to redeem themselves.” She also quickly found that most grand gestures came at a price. “One ex moved to Bombay for me when I got a great job there. The problem was, I never heard the end of it. Anytime we had a fight, I would be reminded of the life he gave up for me. It was this big romantic thing in theory; but it was a death knell for our relationship.” 

The grand gesture, once lauded for its ability to display love, can often be a marker of toxicity within a relationship, one that women have finally started to call out. This comes from a better understanding of what they want and deserve in relationships. A 2024 Bumble survey found that women are prioritising emotionally stable and dependable partners over other things that may have taken precedence in the past (money, looks, status, etc). Their data suggests that a majority (59 per cent) of women are looking for a partner who brings emotional stability to their relationship, someone who is emotionally intelligent and dependable, a clear communicator and not afraid to be vulnerable. 

“I’ve been living with my partner for a while, and he’s a very kind person,” says Vrushali*, 29. “He’s thoughtful in lots of little ways. He’ll have a cup of tea waiting when I come home from office, or take certain chores off my plate on a busy day. He makes us a special dinner every Sunday, and checks in on my parents every time he goes to Pune (where they live) for work. I’ve never had to ask or ‘train’ him to do these things. He just does them.” 

That’s the energy that 23-year-old Priyanka* has seen in her parents’ relationship and wants for herself. “My dad is a quiet guy, he doesn’t do big, showy stuff. But he’s always been consistently supportive of my mother’s work as an artist. They’ve been equals in their relationship, and he would never take any decision of consequence without talking to her. They take life on together, as partners, and he doesn’t try to win her affection in splashy ways. If he makes mistakes, he holds himself accountable. It might be creepy to say I want a man like that,” she laughs, “but honestly, I do.” 

The grand gesture, as gallant as it might seem, is dated for the self-assured single woman of this generation. What is replacing it is consistency. The little things, the patterns of kindness and consideration. The grand gesture represented an attempt to wash away the sins of past behaviour with something that was a  momentary outpouring of affection or vulnerability. It is a hit of romantic PCP, putting the ‘toxic’ back in ‘intoxicating’. But women, in 2025, are over it. They are sharp, confident, and capable, which leaves little room for them to be jerked around by their partners. There is a call for a culture of consistency, emotional stability, and open communication. And the birthday baby Dior is welcome to be a happy addition to—not a replacement for—the core criteria of caring. 

SMALL GESTURES WITH BIG IMPACT

Take over a stressful task: The phrase “How can I help?” is best served in action. If you know your partner has a daily chore that would be harder for them on a particularly busy (or tiring) day, just take that task over quietly. If dinner on Mondays is their responsibility, cook instead—or order in, if you’re hopeless in the kitchen. If they had planned to fold the laundry sitting on the bed, fold it for them. Taking something off their plate is a meaningful act of love. 

Factor them in: This might not have the big, sexy appeal of coffee-cart climbing (aka Seth Cohen on The OC), but it sure as hell matters to the 2025 woman. Consult them on the important stuff—vacation plans, budgets, quitting your job (or taking another). Being treated like an equal without whom you will not take key decisions is actually a major turn on. 

Make your appreciation felt: If the answer to questions like “When was the last time you told her you love her?” or “When was the last time you told her how beautiful she is?” isn’t “Yesterday”, fix that. Everyone needs to feel appreciated and loved—and it’s easy to forget to do it enough in the chaos of daily life. Regularly validating your partner isn’t just meaningful to them, it builds a strong connection between the both of you. 

Make an effort: The most invigorating thing in a relationship is being someone your partner cares enough about to make an effort for. Look after the way you dress. Work to stay fit for them. Plan a romantic date every once in a while. Engage with their friends when you are out at a party with them. A grand gesture is a sticky shortcut with a high failure probability. Putting in the effort, however? That guarantees you win the long game

Author and editor Saumyaa Vohra’s Match Point is a column that explores the ever-evolving dynamics of young love. Vohra is the author of the novel One Night Only, published by Pan Macmillan India.

This piece originally appeared in the March-April print issue of Cosmopolitan India

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