How to spot emotional abuse in a relationship

Allow me to paint you a picture. It’s Friday night and after a long day of work, you and your partner decide to meet a few friends for dinner. On your way back, everything he says feels like a punch to your gut. This person, who is supposed to love you, uses the drive to list your faults, criticise your appearance, and point out all the things you said or did during the night that he deemed ‘annoying’. When you tried to respond, he called you overly sensitive and blamed you for twisting his words. He ended the conversation by telling you that he was only pointing out the truth because he loves you. You think back and realise that it wasn’t the first time your so-called partner had shredded your character and confidence to bits. No matter how you try and defend yourself, nothing is going to change his behaviour. But this is not just a toxic relationship, it is more than that. This behaviour is quintessential emotional abuse.   

The world knows all about physical abuse; there is irrefutable evidence of violence. However, that is not the case with emotional abuse. Its insidious nature has it lurking in the bushes playing extremely sophisticated mind games that strip you of your sense of self. Emotional abuse can be just as traumatic as physical. Sometimes, it is worse because it goes undetected even by someone experiencing it. 

What is emotional abuse? 

We spoke to Dr Maitri Chand, a marriage and family therapist, who explained that emotional abuse is “a dismissal of your feelings or emotions or not being accepted or understood. If someone is being overly critical of you, gaslighting you, making you the butt of their jokes or publicly humiliating and shaming you, it can be considered emotional abuse. You are made to question your reality and are blamed for things you didn’t do”.  

More often than not, emotional abuse is a way for one person to control the other. However, there are so many forms and faces of emotional abuse that it is difficult to put your finger on it. Dr Chand mentions that not all emotionally abusive relationships will have all these elements. And because it is not always easy to tell whether you are having common relationship problems or are being manipulated, you get used to the toxic patterns which makes it tougher to leave behind. 

According to Dr Chand, an emotionally abusive relationship leaves you questioning yourself, your reality and your decision-making capacity. She says, “You are afraid to even think your thoughts. The aim  is to erode your sense of self and make you fully dependent on the other person.”

It takes a lot of courage to walk away from a traumatic relationship like this one. However, the first step is recognising the warning signs of emotional abuse.  

How to spot emotional abuse

They use affection, sex or money as a means of getting you to do what they want 

A lot of people don’t realise that the practice of withholding affection, sex or money to punish someone is abusive. Even the opposite is true. Making these three factors contingent on someone’s cooperation is also a sign of emotional manipulation. Dr Chand calls this a red flag shrouded in love. She says, “They might say ‘because I love you so much do this or do that for me’. Or something along those lines. Love and affection are not free from a sense of obligation. And in that obligation, you will land up feeling forced to do certain things or behave in certain ways.” 

Nothing is unconditional. 

They are often gaslighting you 

A form of psychological manipulation, gaslighting is a common occurrence in emotionally abusive relationships. Essentially, the abuser will deny certain events have happened or certain words have been spoken. They will insist that you (the victim) aren’t making sense or aren’t being logical in the way you’re perceiving things. In time, this behaviour will create a surge in self-doubt and make you question your judgement. This makes you vulnerable and easier to control by the abuser.  

They have isolated you from your loved ones 

According to Dr Chand, an emotional abuser will isolate you from your loved ones. They will restrict your interaction with your friends and family, and convince you that they are the only ones that truly care about you. The abuser will also get agitated or make you feel guilty if you do attempt to see your friends or family and even might withhold affection or money as punishment. The aim is to leave you without a support system, and hence dependent on them. 

They put all the blame on you 

Emotional abusers are master manipulators. Not only do they not take any accountability for their actions (obviously!) but they can get you to believe that whatever is happening is your fault. For instance, if they make a degrading joke and you point it out, they will blame you for not understanding the joke and being overly sensitive. And it just gets worse from there. Over time, this makes the victims believe that they can change their circumstances by just changing themselves.  

Emotional abuse might not leave physical scars but it is still incredibly harmful. According to Dr Chand, healing from it is a long and arduous journey. She says, “There is a lot of unlearning and re-learning required to build the victim’s sense of self and know who they are. Through therapy, they can also learn to feel empowered. To feel like a survivor rather than a victim.”