I thought of myself as a shy girl... Until getting flogged at a sex party brought out a whole new side of me

There was a time that I used to cringe at the idea of doing anything—anything!—to attract attention. But there I was, in front of a crowd of people, bent over a velvet, triangular bench with my ass in the air in a lacy black bodysuit, waiting for the leather flogger to strike my skin.

Also known as impact play, this consensual dynamic lives under the umbrella of BDSM and is, like many BDSM practices, largely misunderstood. It’s a kink that involves an exchange of power between a dominant and a submissive, wherein the dominant can spank their submissive with their hands, a leather flogger, paddles, canes, crops, or even something as simple as a wooden spoon.

As a sex writer, I’d heard of impact play before, but the first time I actually saw it in practice was at a SNCTM sex party—the self-proclaimed “world’s most exclusive members-only club”—with my husband. We were both surprised when an older man meandered up to us and promptly asked, “Does your lady like to be flogged? There’s a guy here who specialises in it and he’s really good. Just ask my wife.”

We later learned that he was talking about Daniel D’Ottavio, a photographer and impact play aficionado who has personally made mine, and many folks’ introductions to flogging, a safe, healthy experience. The first time we met, it was shortly after we watched him consensually flog a woman who asked to be tied to a door handle in a room full of voyeurs and exhibitionists. There were bodies standing around her in anticipation and loud thuds as the leather flogger spanked her skin. Watching the precise movements of Daniel’s hands and wrists, I thought that if I were her, I’d feel like the only woman in the room. It was mesmerizing, right down to the way her face looked during the “scene” (the planned moments and actions consented to before and during the flogging) but especially after: relaxed, euphoric, flushed, begging for more. I knew I wanted what she was having.

At first thought, one might associate impact play with violence, and for the uninformed, that’s understandable. But violence and pain don’t even have to come into the equation. Depending on how a dominant strikes a submissive, experiences can range from soft to firm—it all depends on the submissive’s preference. Flogging can also be used to explore power dynamics between couples and even deal with negative emotions or trauma because it’s an act of trust that depends on mutual care and respect.

For me, though, it has felt like so much more. Some of my first sexual experiences were nonconsensual, and for years after, I struggled to trust partners (especially men) to explore fantasies or kinks. Practising impact play with my husband, who pets my hair and kisses me as another experienced dom like Daniel does the flogging, has been an even deeper form of the trust we’ve already built. Handing the reins to Daniel, a man I didn’t know very well but who’s professional and experienced in flogging, was a vulnerable step in exploring this side of myself.

When my husband does the flogging, it allows us a different level of intimacy, affection and continued trust as a couple. At one play party, he was handed the flogger by Daniel himself, who showed him the ropes. I could almost hear his concentration as his wrists newly moved with the flogger, learning the movements and how they felt as it made contact with my body.

Afterward, in a fog of aftercare, I felt like I had opened up my chest to show him what was inside, and he met me with love; he kissed me and held me and told me I was brave. I’ve never felt so close to anyone else in my entire life. I’ve always trusted my husband, but after playing with impact together, it opened up a new level of vulnerability for us both. After all, you wouldn’t just hand anyone a flogger and let them have at it.

Plus, by trusting my partner to flog me, I am, in turn, trusting myself. As a submissive, choosing a dominant who you can completely let go and feel safe with takes a tremendous amount of certainty. I know that when I go into a scene with him, it’s because I truly want to—and I can confidently say that to both myself and my husband.

And then there’s the power. People tend to think that when it comes to impact play, the dominant has it all. But in reality, as a submissive, there is incredible strength in trusting and letting a dominant play with you. For me, it’s a reminder that I can control my own experience, even as a submissive. And because flogging can be so intense, it has challenged me to be extremely clear about my needs and desires. The consequences of poor communication can be physically painful, and that’s not why I practice impact play. I like to be on the brink of pain but not left hurt.

Before I started experimenting with kink and sexuality, I didn’t always understand sexual expressions like this. But actually practising it? I get it now. With each strike, I feel new sensations, from ticklish slaps to intense stings that make me sweat. And with each breath, I feel myself breaking free from the patriarchal ideas of what women “should” like and can better understand my own desires. It makes me feel more open to exploring my own sexual expression and what else I would like. By doing something that I thought would be so out of character and learning that it’s actually something I love, I can see myself more clearly.

Each thud reminds me of how powerful and in control I can actually be—something that took me far too long to realise. And with my partner beside me or with the flogger in his hand, I feel more than just accepted—I feel unconditionally loved and held by him, right where I am. He doesn’t judge me or think I’m strange for my kink but meets me where I am as both my life partner and my dominant. And through every scene we play together, through every kink we dare to explore, I feel more open to who I am—and who I could be—in my sexual journey.

This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com on July 18, 2024.

Lead image credits: Mary Fama//Getty images 

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