I went speed-friending: the latest trend promising to cure loneliness

She hosted a free club night in Shoreditch, thinking it would just be a one-off event and not expecting many girls to come. “But there was a queue around the block,” Nicole laughs. “It shows there was such a need for it. There’s something very safe about having female friends. The sisterhood is a wonderful thing to experience and women need to find a way to forge their own tribe.”

These days, female friendship and sisterhood is ultra-romanticised in popular culture. From the brunches shared by the Sex and the City girls to Taylor Swift and updates on her ever-expanding girl gang, women are expected to have a clique of friends on hand to help them through the tough times and celebrate the good ones.

It’s not surprising, then, that women are purported to feel loneliness more keenly. The Office of National Statistics found that 56% of women feel lonely “at least some of the time”, with the ages 16 to 29 reporting the highest rates of chronic loneliness.

Lowri Dowthwaite-Walsh, a lecturer in psychology at the University of Central Lancashire, explains that friendship has always been vital to women. “Women’s roles were originally as the caregivers,” she says. “They hone their skills by having close relationships — they’re paramount for us.”

She also suggests that the loneliness modern women are feeling likely comes from the pressure to have a large established group of friends, a tribe, like our ancestors would have.

“Mass media tends to simplify female friendships,” she explains. “The idea of this harmonious girl squad is just unrealistic, [friendships are] far more messy and complicated. Quality relationships, having one or two close friends where you can really express yourself emotionally, rather than a large group of surface-level friends, is important for women.”

It’s reassuring to hear that having just a handful of really good girl friends is more viable and still meets the need that most of us feel for companionship and sisterhood, as I sometimes feel something like guilt for not having a huge clique constantly on call.

For Nicole, she’s hoping Gurl PWR can break the taboo of loneliness that many young women may feel when they first move to the city. “London is so big and transient,” she explains. “So many people are coming and leaving all the time. There’s expectations you may already have your friendship group, but what if you don’t? I think we find it hard to admit we’re feeling lonely. It’s hard to admit you don’t fit in.”

It’s true. I’ve lived in London for over seven years, and in my early 20s it was great. I was constantly out, meeting new people and making friends for life in the smoking areas of nightclubs. Now in my early 30s, my friendship groups look markedly different. Many have married and bought houses beyond the increasingly costly London borders. Other friendships have dwindled and become distant without the glue of constant nights out and shots of tequila.

It can feel embarrassing to admit that I’m lonely — like I’ve failed at quite a basic human interaction. So, when I mention I’m going speed friending to some close friends, I feel a creeping sense of shame — like I’ve been caught undressed. Acknowledging that loneliness nudges something uncomfortable in me to the forefront.

Interestingly, loneliness feels taboo because of our natural survival instincts, explains Dowthwaite-Walsh. “We are social beings and we’re attracted to socially competent people,” she says. “Being lonely is so damaging for your physical health as well as your mental health — it’s linked to heart disease, high blood pressure, and even early death.”

“But loneliness has a vital evolutionary component — it’s your body telling you it’s in danger and that you need to reach out.”

However, reaching out isn’t always so simple, and these circumstances have been exacerbated since the pandemic and the isolating conditions of the subsequent lockdowns. While Zoom quizzes and phone calls were forced to suffice, our loneliness became more pronounced — 44.8% of people said they were chronically lonely during this period, with the average Brit saying they lost four friends due to fall-outs or natural pruning throughout lockdown.

However, it has also led to new ways for isolated people to find their tribe. A number of apps have created friendship-finding tools like Bumble BFF, and whole online ecosystems, like Communia, have popped up where people can look for platonic connections as opposed to romantic ones. Meanwhile, apps such as MeetUp saw a 37% rise in digital event registrations.

But for all the swiping and texting we’re doing, there’s no substitute for genuine human connection. “When we bond, our body releases oxytocin which is a neurohormone that calms our system, makes us feel safe, makes us feel bonded to other people,” Dowthwaite-Walsh says. “It has a positive immune response. If you’re incredibly stressed and you reach out to your friend, it calms your system down and stops the negative impact the stress hormones have on your body. We just don’t get that online.”

So here I am, on a Friday night, rotating tables at a Gurl PWR speed-friending event. Every five minutes I am placed in front of a like-minded woman, where we speak quickly to try and ascertain as much information as we can.

It seems like a short amount of time, but in the few events Nicole has hosted so far, she’s seen some strong success stories. “I’ve seen so many young women bond at these events,” she says. “I’ve had women come up to me and say thank you for organising. I’ve seen girls find other girls to go to concerts with, go to brunch with — even go on holiday with. I see it and get emotional. I know it works.”

As for my personal experience? I stumble through speed-friending with wine serving as my social lubricant. The girls I meet are lovely: one who, like me, has also broken up with her boyfriend in the last year; one struggling in her own flat; another who has just moved into the city and is struggling to make friends in her corporate job.

I can’t pretend I’m a flawless social butterfly — I make jokes that fall flat, and barge my way through awkward silence with all the grace of a dancing hippo.

But as I circle tables, I do meet one kindred spirit — an absolute angel with whom sparks flew immediately. We down wine and natter, like we’ve known each other for years. She even invites me for pizza and wine next week. It could be the start of something beautiful, I think, and I leave the bar, drunk on the excitement of having clicked with someone (and on the bottle of wine I’ve polished off across the course of the evening).

“Seeing women bond is just so special,” Nicole says. “And when you meet someone you click with, it’s just electrifying.” Speed-friending might not be for everyone, but it did give me hope, and a fun night out at the very least.