What is sexual fasting and is it ever a good idea?

A sex cleanse? In this economy?! Believe it. For better or worse (which, we’ll discuss) sexual fasting is indeed a thing, one that’s been a favorite among certain high-profile celebrities in recent years. Never forget the time Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker went on a sex fast as part of a highly publicized “detox” (which is rooted in pseudoscience, BTW). Actually, you can go ahead and forget about it.

In case this wasn’t already clear, no one should be taking health advice from celebrities—or TikTok, for that matter. Abstaining from sex for a period of time does not “detox” your body in any way. In fact, sex, pleasure, and orgasms are actually really healthy for you. Sex coach and clinical sexologist Lucy Rowett says this misinformation about the supposed “detoxing” benefits of sexual fasting are just that: misinformation. “Proponents claim that it can ‘restore your energy’ or ‘increase longevity,’” she tells Cosmo, explaining that a sex fast is often promoted as part of a (totally BS) “wellness” regime.

And if the pseudoscience of it all weren’t frustrating enough, certified sex therapist Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., author of Becoming Cliterate, adds that the popularity of sexual fasting is also related to incel-adjacent movements like #NoFap, which encourages participants to abstain from getting off, especially via solo sex. “NoFap rhetoric and followers claim that refraining from masturbation will improve sex and is the solution for those who believe they are ‘addicted to porn,’” Mintz says. “It’s important to note that there is no scientific evidence for this.” (And we should also note that there is actually no good scientific evidence that porn addiction is even a real thing).

All of these very key disclaimers aside, as with all conversations centered on sexuality, the need for nuance is ever-present. Which is to say: Hi, yes, you’re absolutely allowed to take a break from sex if that feels right for you. It’s just important to make sure you’re doing so with intention and for reasons that aren’t rooted in anti-scientific rhetoric, incel-coded drivel, or sexual shame.

So before you hit the brakes on your sex life, allow us to explain what sexual fasting is, how it differs from celibacy, and whether or not it’s something worth trying out.

What is sexual fasting?

To put it in simple terms: Sexual fasting is when you voluntarily choose to abstain from sex for a certain period of time. This abstinence may include partnered sex and/or masturbation.

“It can also depend on the type of sex a person is having,” says psychotherapist Lee Phillips, a sex and couples therapist. “For example, they may continue to have oral sex but will refrain from penetrative sex.” The way your sexual fast looks will depend entirely on you and your needs/preferences.

Is sexual fasting different from celibacy?

Sexual fasting is very similar to celibacy, but the difference is really about the time commitment involved. Basically, celibacy is a prolonged, indefinite, or even life-long commitment to sex-free living, while a sex fast is typically something you’d commit to for a shorter, likely more defined period of time. Think of it like doing Dry January as opposed to embracing sobriety.

Mintz says that during a sex fast, you’re taking a “break” from sexual contact, rather than committing to abstinence as a lifestyle. Unlike sexual fasting, celibacy doesn’t have an end point for most folks. For example, Julia Fox—who recently revealed she’s been celibate for 2.5 years—has said she’s come to view her abstinence as a way of reclaiming power under patriarchy and doesn’t see any end in sight at the time.

Speaking of which, choosing to abstain from sex is becoming increasingly popular these days, especially among women who have sex with men. Many are opting out of sex and dating—declaring themselves #BoySober—because, yes, the state of dating as a woman really is that bleak.

The idea is that dating, especially among cis-genered heterosexuals, is such a depressing clusterfuck that women and AFAB folks would rather not have sex at all than have it with cis-het guys. Rowett says that this is likely due to the increased discourse around toxicity, red flags, and misogyny in online dating. “I see this trend as a way for lots of people to break unhealthy patterns of sex and dating that they didn't fully realize they were engaging in,” she says.

The benefits of sexual fasting

Before we get into it, allow us to reiterate one very important fact: There are no scientifically-backed health benefits to a sexual fast. You’re not going to magically have more energy or self-control or a more ripped bod. Mintz says that this is dangerous misinformation, and we need to be crystal clear about that.

However, that doesn’t mean there are no benefits to taking a break from sex.

Rowett says it can be a good thing if you’re using a sexual fast as a means of taking time to self-reflect: “Potentially, some people are really reflecting on what they want from sex and dating and if the way they've always done it is serving them.” Basically, if you’re trying to break patterns around sex that have not led to desired results, that’s a perfectly fine reason to take a little sex hiatus.

Additionally, Rowett says a sexual fast can help you figure out who you are and what you want—especially if you suspect you might be on the asexual spectrum. “A fast could be a time when you try to figure out whether the sex you're having is what you really want,” she says.

Holding off on sex might also be a helpful way for some folks to build emotional connections with potential partners when dating, adds Philips. When we take sex off the table for a while, we might find we connect in a deeper way. This is especially true if you find yourself jumping into sex right away and you believe it hinders your ability to form deeper connections. Basically, it’s all about discovering the patterns you want to break.

The downsides of sexual fasting

Just as there are no medical benefits to sexual fasting, there are also no real, physical health concerns related to hitting pause on your sex life. Plenty of perfectly healthy people, including many of those who identify as asexual, don’t have sex, and that’s totally fine.

That said, if you decide to forgo orgasms entirely, you will miss out on all the health benefits of sexual release, such as stress reduction and better sleep. While you can get a similar brain chemical release from things like exercise, we’re rarely ones to encourage you to deprive yourself of an orgasm if you want one.

Moreover, Rowett says that sexual fasting—especially fasting from masturbation—can disrupt the connection we have with our bodies and our pleasure. The more pleasure and orgasms we have, the more we want. When we don’t tend to our pleasure, we can end up finding it more difficult to access. Philips says this can even lead to sexual function issues like premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and pain during sex.

And of course, the shame that often comes hand-in-hand with a sexual fast is something to consider. Mintz notes that if you’re choosing to abstain from sex because you think it’s “bad,” you may want to reflect on (and/or consult a therapist regarding) your relationship to sexuality. Not to mention, if you are fasting out of negative beliefs about sex, you’ll probably end up feeling even worse whenever you break that fast.

Lastly, it’s really not a good idea to do this as a “trend” like No Nut November—wherein people try to abstain from masturbation for a month under the guise of preserving their lifeforce or whatever. “Please avoid any influencers or online spaces that make it a kind of wellness challenge or competition,” Rowett says. “In my experience, they give a lot of misinformation and complete bullshit, and it can leave you with a bigger problem than when you started.”

These “challenges” are rooted in purity culture, shame-based rhetoric, and should not be trusted.

Here’s four things to consider if you want to do a sex fast

Get really clear about why you’re doing this in the first place

If you want to try a sex fast, figure out if you’re doing it for healthy reasons. Seriously, this is so important.

Are you doing it to break unhealthy patterns in your sex or love life? Or maybe you’re just tired of the dating scene and would rather spend an evening with your Magic Wand instead of on a date with another disappointing person. Sure, fair enough. Or are you doing this because all your internet friends are doing it and you think it’s going to somehow rewire your brain and make you superhuman? In that case, probably take a pass.

Figure out what “sex” means for you

Rowett suggests getting super clear on exactly what you mean when you refer to “sex” before fasting from it. Are you abstaining from masturbation or partnered sex? Both? Or is it a certain kind of sex? Figuring this out can help you manage expectations.

Don’t set rigid timelines

It can be tempting to set bracketed timelines and want to really stick to them, but this can backfire. As Mintz notes, if you break the fast earlier than planned, you can wind up feeling bad about yourself. Instead, set a timeframe with the caveat that if you decide breaking it feels right for you, that’s okay.

For instance, if you meet someone and you feel really ready to have sex, but are in the middle of a fast, it’s okay to have sex! Your body, your choice!

Don’t skimp on doing the deeper work

If you’re going to do a sex fast in the interest of improving your relationship to your sex or dating life, it’s simply unwise to think that the fast itself will solve all your problems. It can be a good way to take some time to self-reflect, but you have to be willing to do the deeper inner work in order to see the real benefits.

Remember, you’re allowed to do whatever you want with your body and no one is allowed to control your choices. That said, your sexuality is something to cultivate and celebrate—especially the sexual relationship you have with yourself. Under the right circumstances, a sex fast can be part of that cultivating and celebrating, sure—but don’t shut down your sex life just because someone on TikTok said to, okay?

 

Lead image is credited to Glowimages/Getty Images. 
 

This article was originally published in Cosmopolitan US in June 2024.
 

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