You’re exhausted: it’s been a long week at work, the laundry won’t stop piling up, and you feel about as sexy as the wrung-out cloth you just used to clean the bathroom. Now that you’re finally in bed, you just want to stay submerged under the covers until you’re carried away into a deep, dreamless slumber. But what’s that you feel? Your partner’s hand, placed lightly, but expectantly, on your thigh. You can hear their breath get ever-so slightly heavier, and feel the invitation in the air. Silently, you do the maths: counting back to the last time you’ve been intimate. It’s been a few weeks, and you guess that it’s time. If you turn them down again, the lack of sex will no doubt become a problem. It will be easier to just get this over with rather than deal with a big conversation further down the line. With a heavy internal sigh, you force your heavy eyelids open and turn around, thinking, ‘Let’s get this over with’. If this sounds familiar, then you’re not alone. Speak to your friends in long-term relationships, and at least one of them will share a similar experience: not being in the mood, per se, but consenting to sex anyway in order to meet the expectations of their partner. In fact, a recent study in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, showed that partnered women experiencing a chronic lack of sexual desire were still having sex two to three times a month. This is what the researchers have termed ‘mercy sex’, or having sex for the sake of a relationship: whether to maintain a partner’s monogamy, or to avoid conflict within the couple. But why is mercy sex so common? And shouldn’t there be another way? Below, sex and relationship experts weighs in. What is ‘mercy sex’? Personally, during periods of high stress at work, having sex with a partner has felt like just another checkbox: something that needs to be completed in order to keep the relationship going. I hate to say it, but I’ve definitely been guilty of mercy sex: sleeping with a partner for the sake of a relationship, and not because you actually want to. But how do you even define mercy sex? This is what Smile Makers’s in-house sex and relationships coach, Mariàn Martínez, had to say. “In research, [mercy sex] is often called sexual compliance,” she says. “Consensual sex in the absence of personal desire; or, in other words, having sex you don’t really want, but just do it to please your partner or avoid rejection or conflict. And it’s more common than we tend to admit: a recent study found that 34% of people in committed relationships reported having sex to please their partner, while 14% reported doing it out of fear of negative consequences.” While the conversation around mercy sex can feel mired in shame (it can feel icky to admit, or like saying that you’re not really attracted to your partner), it’s important to start the dialogue. But how does it impact us, internally, when we have sex we don’t want to for our partner’s sake? According to therapist Lucy Frank, it’s worth keeping an eye on patterns about the role sex and desire plays within the relationship. “Having sex occasionally when you’re not particularly in the mood isn’t inherently harmful. Relationships involve giving and receiving, and sometimes we might choose intimacy because we know it will feel connecting or pleasurable even though we weren’t initially feeling spontaneous desire,” she says. “The concern is when sex becomes something someone regularly does to manage their partner’s emotions, avoid conflict, prevent rejection, or keep the relationship intact.” When sex starts to feel like a sacrifice in the relationship, it can erode the connective power of physical intimacy. “Someone may begin to associate sex with duty rather than pleasure, become increasingly disconnected from their own sexual responses, or start anticipating sex with anxiety because they know they are going to feel pressured into it,” Frank adds. “It can also create a difficult cycle: one partner feels rejected when sex doesn’t happen, the other feels pressured, so they have sex to reduce the pressure, but then experience sex as something they had to do. That can ultimately reduce desire even further.” What role do ‘sexpectations’ play? Part of why we have mercy sex boils down to sexpectation: the idea that there is some kind of sexual obligation or requirement within our relationships. Often, even if this remains unsaid, we can still sense or feel the assumption that we will have sex at specific times or at a specific frequency. This is something that Amy*, 28, has experienced first-hand. In her early 20s, she tells Cosmopolitan UK that she was struggling with her mental health and using alcohol as a crutch to get in the mood to be intimate with her boyfriend, even when she normally didn’t want to. “In hindsight, [sex with my boyfriend] was simply a ‘duty’ that I didn’t even think about: I saw myself as someone who liked sex, and therefore needed to find a way to have sex with my boyfriend,” she explains. Even now that Amy is sober, she still finds herself keeping track of the frequency of her sexual encounters within relationships, trying her best to keep her partner ‘satisfied’. “I’m so aware of how important it is to a relationship to have sex, and so aware of the awful way long-term relationships are portrayed as sexless and lacking excitement that I can’t help but keep a tally,” she explains. “Now, if there is a day I’m feeling spontaneously turned on or wanting sex, I’m definitely going to take advantage of the fact that I’m up for it, because it’s like every time counts; I’m having sex now in case I don’t want to later.” So many of us are grappling with these unspoken expectations. But how does it impact us in the long-term? “‘Sexpectation’ can creep into relationships when sex becomes something that is assumed to happen at a particular frequency, or is seen as an obligation of being a couple. The problem is that expectation can very quickly become pressure, and pressure is rarely conducive to genuine desire,” Frank explains. Ironically, however, giving in to mercy sex can make us feel more disconnected and unsexy than ever. So what’s the alternative? According to Frank, it’s key to reframe the conversation: advising couples to move away from the question of, ‘How often should we be having sex?’ and towards, ‘What helps each of us feel open to intimacy and desire?’. An understanding of different ways of experiencing desire can also help crack open the issue. “It is also important to understand that desire doesn’t always come first. For many people, particularly in long-term relationships, desire can be responsive rather than spontaneous — it may emerge once there is relaxation, affection, touch, and pleasurable connection,” Frank explains. “Not feeling immediately horny doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t want intimacy.” And while it isn’t exclusively women and femmes who have sex just for the sake of their relationship, it’s worth noting the role that women tend to play as ‘peacekeepers’ in heterosexual couples, as well as how they are socialised. “Anyone can find themselves having unwanted or obligatory sex. Although women can be particularly socialised to prioritise a partner’s needs, and to see being sexually available as part of being a ‘good’ partner,” Frank explains. How to manage differing libidos in a relationship Mercy sex can occur because there are differing levels of sexual appetite within the relationship. While it can feel like a cause of major strain, it’s actually pretty common to have some kind of libido mismatch with an SO. It’s how you manage this difference that matters. According to Frank, these differences are managed through collaboration, acceptance, and emotional safety, rather than compromise or obligation. It’s not me vs you, it’s about being a team. “The aim isn’t to find a compromise where one person reluctantly has sex and the other reluctantly goes without. It’s about creating a sexual relationship where both people have agency: where ‘yes’, ‘no’, and ‘not right now’ are all genuinely safe answers.” Need some pointers on how to get started? Check out some further thought-starters from Frank below: No wrong answers: “Firstly, couples need to stop treating libido differences as though one person is right and the other is wrong, which I see a lot. There is no objectively correct amount of sex that a couple should be having.” Ask questions: “Instead, I’d encourage couples to get curious about the difference. What does sex mean to each person? What does it provide — pleasure, reassurance, connection, stress relief, validation, excitement? And what gets in the way of desire?” Get to know what turns your SO on (and off): “It is also useful to understand each person’s accelerators and brakes (those things that increase or decrease desire). One person’s desire might be stimulated by affection and feeling emotionally connected, while another might need novelty, eroticism, relaxation, or feeling desired. Equally, stress, exhaustion, body image, resentment, medication, hormones, or relationship difficulties can all act as brakes.” The difference between mercy sex and maintenance sex When we talk about mercy sex, specifically about feeling an obligation to maintain a certain frequency of intimacy in a relationship, it can be easy to get confused with maintenance sex: a related, but different, term. The key disparity between mercy and maintenance when it comes to sex is intentional reciprocity. Maintenance sex is when a couple schedule regular intimate time together in order to keep the spark alive. It involves agreeing on a specific day or time (often recurring) on which to explore sex with one another. Often, it might include specific routines to help set a mood, and understands that desire isn’t always spontaneous; sometimes it needs to be worked upon, together. Mercy sex, however, involves one partner consenting to sex they might not particularly be excited by in the moment, as a means of minimising disagreements in the relationship or of smoothing over any lapses in intimacy. There isn’t a mutual agreement in place, nor a conversation about arousal or intimacy. Coming out the other side While it can be hard to sit in the discomfort of knowing that you’ve gone a significant while without sex with your partner — and it can feel sensitive turning down your SO when you’re not in the mood — owning your desire (and lack thereof) can be life-changing. For Amy, it took some work to get to a place where she was no longer having unwanted sex for the sake of her partners. “Therapy, addiction recovery, my own writing, and getting older are all massive factors,” she explains. “Now, I’ve worked so hard to be present that the feeling of having sex as a duty or obligation is incredibly triggering.” In my own journey, ditching mercy sex hasn’t been a linear process. With each new partner, once the honeymoon phase eases off, it can be easy for me to revert to seeing sex as just something I owe my SO: like I’m paying my rent to stay in a loving relationship. However, as I’m getting older, I’m understanding the differences between simply consenting to sex I don’t actually want, versus being fully present and in the moment with a partner. And so, I find that nowadays I can’t trust or respect any SO who would want to have sex with me when I was clearly just going through the motions. Good sex can’t be pressured, or seen as yet another chore on your to-do list. It’s a give and take with a partner who truly cares, not just about their own pleasure, but about yours.
