Are you falling for floodlighting? This new dating trend could be quietly ruining your love life

Just when you thought the dating glossary was complete—after ghosting, love bombing, and the algorithmic flirtation of orbiting—along comes floodlighting. And no, it’s not about lighting design; it’s about emotional intensity: fast, bright, and blinding.

Coined by bestselling author and researcher Brené Brown, floodlighting refers to oversharing too soon. It’s the act of revealing childhood traumas over a second drink or spilling abandonment issues before the appetisers arrive. This form of confessional intimacy feels deep but skips the essential step of building trust. Unlike vulnerability, which unfolds with care and context, floodlighting crashes in like a monologue rather than a conversation.

 

“Floodlighting is when, either consciously or subconsciously, we push our vulnerabilities onto someone too quickly,” explains Shivam, an emotional intelligence coach based in Chandigarh. “It often arises from a desire to create an intense emotional connection, but without giving the relationship time to earn that level of trust.”

This distinction is especially crucial in today’s dating landscape, where emotional exposure is increasingly entangled with identity. Vulnerability has become a sort of social currency, with TED Talks and Instagram captions urging us to be “raw” and “real.” However, when rawness lacks discernment, the result can be overwhelming for both parties.

“Vulnerability involves healthy boundaries,” Shivam adds. “Floodlighting, on the other hand, usually doesn’t. It often stems from an internal urgency—whether it's seeking validation or fearing abandonment.” In other words, oversharing tends to be less about forming a deep connection and more about fast-tracking closeness, sometimes at the expense of mutual emotional safety.

The high of being heard

For many, opening up—especially when met with kindness—can feel euphoric. “The moment we feel accepted, there’s a kind of high,” Shivam notes. “And that’s where the distinction between floodlighting and vulnerability begins to blur. If you're not conscious of the pace and context, vulnerability can easily slip into floodlighting.”

This high is particularly seductive in early-stage dating. When someone receives your story with empathy, it creates an illusion of connection. But as Shivam warns, “Early emotional dumping doesn’t allow space for emotional investment. The bond hasn’t matured, so the person only sees the pros and cons. When only logic is at play, the heart never gets a chance to engage.”

The emotional cost

Although the impulse behind floodlighting may stem from earnestness or past pain, its impact can be disorienting. “If someone shares deeply personal details about their childhood or trauma on a first date, it can feel overwhelming,” says Shivam. “It almost becomes a tactic—a test of how the other person will respond.”

This strategic sharing isn’t always manipulative, but it can blur emotional boundaries and create pressure. “Floodlighting can feel like deep sharing,” says Varinderr Manchanda, a relationship and life coach based in Delhi, “but when someone reveals too much too soon, it can even guilt-trip the other person into providing support they’re not ready for.”

In this way, floodlighting can mirror another form of unhealthy intimacy: emotional manipulation. “Love bombing flatters the ego; floodlighting tugs at your empathy,” Manchanda explains. “One idealises, while the other overwhelms.”

A symptom of the times

Our current dating norms don’t help matters. “In a world where likes equal validation, many confuse exposure with connection,” says Manchanda. “People overshare for attention, not intimacy. The line between private and public is fading, and relationships risk becoming shallow—driven by appearances over authenticity.”

Social media, with its confessional captions and performative vulnerability, often rewards disclosure rather than discretion. Yet true emotional intimacy rarely moves at the speed of scrolling. “Real closeness can’t be measured in posts or stories,” Manchanda says. “It’s felt in presence and patience.”

What drives it

Floodlighting is often a trauma response—less about manipulation and more about fear. “People who carry abandonment issues or struggle with low self-worth are in a hurry to form deep connections,” Shivam explains. “It comes from a fear that if they don’t build something quickly, the other person might lose interest.”

Manchanda concurs, noting that “people who’ve been hurt may overshare as a way to protect themselves or seek quick reassurance. But vulnerability should unfold naturally. Safe spaces aren’t rushed—they’re built with care.”

How to respond—and protect yourself

If you find yourself on the receiving end of floodlighting, establishing boundaries is key. “Set boundaries—gently but clearly,” advises Shivam. “Remind yourself: it’s not about you. This person is likely trying to force a connection because they’re dealing with their own issues.”

That doesn’t mean you can’t be empathetic, but empathy doesn’t require emotional enmeshment. “You can support someone without getting pulled into their past,” advises Manchanda. “Stay emotionally present, yet grounded.”

It’s also important to tune into your own reactions. Ask yourself: Am I connecting, or am I being pulled in to rescue? If the relationship is meant to grow, it will find its pace. If not, it’s okay to step away.

Toward mindful disclosure

For those prone to oversharing, the solution lies in slowing down. “Ask yourself: why am I doing this?” says Shivam. “Identify the core issue—is it fear of abandonment or a deep need to be loved? Once we know that, we can start rewiring our responses.”

Shivam recommends treating emotional sharing as “an experiment in connection, tuned to pace and circumstance.” This means offering your story in small doses, paying attention to the emotional bandwidth of the listener, and building mutual trust before diving into the deep end.

While vulnerability is indeed a gift, its power lies in timing, not speed. True intimacy, like anything meaningful, is never rushed.

Lead image: Netflix 

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