Have we been thinking about pleasure all wrong?

What do you think of when you hear the word “pleasure”? Sex? Porn? Performance? More and more young people are feeling the pressure to get it right when it comes to sex, intimacy and maybe most importantly, pleasure, but here’s the thing: pleasure isn’t a performance. And according to sexologist Jessica Wade (and the World Association for Sexual Health), we might be thinking about pleasure all wrong. 

According to the World Association for Sexual Health, pleasure is “the physical or psychological satisfaction and enjoyment derived from experiences… whether shared or solo.” There’s no mention of sex in there though, so why do our thoughts and feelings around pleasure always come back to the bedroom?

“Pleasure is a delicious pause, the full-body mmm yes that makes you melt into the moment,” explains Jessica Wade, who helps her clients navigate the often murky territory of intimate relationships through her work as a somatic therapist and sexologist. “Honestly, I like to think of pleasure as your body’s language of yes. The mind unclenching and body awakening. A mind-body-heart experience that’s yours to claim.”

While, in theory, looking at pleasure from a holistic mind-body perspective makes the most sense, the way we’ve been taught to see pleasure as something purely sexual is a hard lesson to unlearn. “Maybe we don’t discuss pleasure because we don’t discuss sex. But that’s really selling pleasure short, because pleasure is our birthright, at every age and stage, with or without sex,” writes sex therapist Martha Kaupii for the Institute for Relational Intimacy. Meanwhile, research from Lovehoney found that one in four Aussies feel shame around self-pleasure, and more than half (51 per cent) still consider it embarrassing. So, what’s going on?

We asked Wade to break it down.

Isn't Pleasure Just... Sex?

Nope. According to Wade, “Non-sexual pleasure is the training ground for sexual pleasure”. She believes that finding a deeper intimacy in life, such as the “sun warming your skin, the first sip of coffee, a lazy stretch in bed, all those mini body thrills [which] wire your brain” are very real forms of pleasure too. Dr Desirée Kozlowski, Southern Cross University’s National Pleasure Audit coordinator, backs this up, telling the ABC that savouring daily pleasures are a very healthy habit to get into, and can help “lower rates of depression and anxiety,” increase psychological wellbeing and promote better immunity. 

How Important Is Pleasure Beyond Just Sex, Though?

According to Wade, very. “Pleasure isn’t a reward at the end of your to-do list, it’s the fuel that makes everything else possible,” she says. “Creativity, connection, vitality… they all flow from your ability to receive. Pleasure is not indulgence. Pleasure is survival.” Don’t just take Wade’s word for it though — science agrees. Pleasure sparks dopamine and oxytocin, those feel-good chemicals that bust stress, boost immunity, improve sleep and, yep, help you feel alive. A study from the Journal of the Association for Consumer Research suggests it might even make you better at your job, and as Wade says, it’s also serious relationship glue, “because nothing bonds lovers like shared joy.”

Pleasure isn’t a reward or a checklist — it’s creativity, connection and vitality. The more you practice pleasure with the smaller things in life, the more your body is sensitive to remembering. “Wanting more is not selfish, greedy or needy, it’s sacred,” Wade says. She also advises we ditch the shame (a sentiment we can definitely get around) and the confusion and start fresh, by trying “simple rituals like breathwork, pelvic floor play or even body awareness practices that reawaken those quiet pleasure pathways.”

But How Can You Rediscover What Gives You Pleasure?

Wade makes the point that pleasure isn’t about “spicing things up,” it’s about remembering what’s already there. Slow down and take stock of the little things that give you joy, both in relationships and life in general. “Notice the sunlight on your thighs, the way your sheets hug you, the taste of good food rolling across your tongue,” Wade advises. “Tune in: your breath, your heartbeat, your skin alive with sensation. Explore touch, movement, sound, texture — both sexual and non-sexual.”

The Playbook For A Pleasure Journey

In essence, pleasure is rather subjective. Start by noticing the small things that give you joy, and in time, your body will learn to recognise it. Wade recommends keeping a pleasure journal and using it to track what turns you on, whether that’s sunsets, music, movement or laughter, and celebrating them like little orgasms. Above all though, pleasure is about trusting yourself and listening to your body: “Say yes to your body, to that laugh-through-your-fingertips joy, and to feeling deeply, deliciously alive in the bedroom and way, way beyond.”