Hot, heavy, and hurting? Let’s talk about why sex feels painful

“I’ve ruled out that just before or after my period, it’s going to be a little painful, but I don’t know why. Is something wrong with me?” A 30-something-year-old woman, sexually active and in a healthy hetero relationship, said this to me last month.

“I remember my fwb (friends-with-benefits) was rearranging my guts inside when it used to hurt me,” a fashion girlie, aged 27, told me in a rather intriguing conversation on WhatsApp. Now there are countless ways to describe your sexual experiences—exciting, thrilling, and even banging. No one wants to hear words like stinging, burning, and drying. But we must talk about it. 

In conversation with Dr Namrita Sheregar, a practising OBGYN and women’s sexual health expert, I realised that sexually active women did not have a lot of information about their bodies and understanding the signs. Now, talking about sex is no longer taboo, thankfully, but bad sex talk still appears to be. Why and how your vagina responds to someone is important for your own health. It can help you introspect on your own triggers, have an open, mature conversation with your partner(s) about feeling more than butterflies down there, and hopefully trace your steps back to a more pleasurable experience. But if you still can’t figure out why it’s more pain than pleasure, beyond the common dryness, here are five possible situations when you might want to consider seeing a professional. 

You have a spasm 

Much like any muscle spasm, you ought to be tight, stiff, and, depending on the position, in a bit of pain. Especially if it’s been a while, you know you need a little warm-up. This might not be the first thought you have, but penetrative sex is going to be tougher on the spasm, giving you that unsatisfactory feeling. To release your pelvic muscles, you might want to try to regulate how much sex you have and when. Throw in some body massages, do the ice and heat combination, and even gentle non-sexual stretches can help you bring back the ease in your moves again. 

Tense feelings down there

The department downstairs might be involuntarily shutting down, and you don’t know that yet. This tensing of muscles out of your control, especially at the beginning of the act, is called vaginismus. Dr Sheregar says it’s usually the position that causes the walls of the vulva to contract, making it difficult for your manfriend to enter. She adds, “Even though it sounds like a physiological problem, it is more psychological.” It’s the anticipation of sex that leads the vajayjay to have a subconscious mind of its own. “Am I doing this right?” “Will he be satisfied?” “Hope it’s not like the last time.” In a nutshell, it’s the pressure to perform. 

While there are specialists for vaginismus, you can always start with pelvic floor exercises to reduce spasticity in the vaginal muscles. Dr Sheregar also recommends vaginal dilators that are available in glass and silicone moulds that can be placed for 10-15 minutes once or twice a day. The onset of this process might not feel right, but it’s completely safe, and she personally recommends the silicone dilator for sensitive girlies. If these home-practised remedies don’t work as effectively, it might be time to see your gynaecologist and, if required, a specialist. 

You have an emotional spasm 

This one’s more rooted than any other muscular cause. Your body is always working in sync with your mind and heart. So, even if one of them is not happy or willing, it will affect your estrogen experience during sex. While this might not have an immediate over-the-counter solution, taking a time-out can be more effective. Self-assess the surface-level questions about the partners you choose, the approach you have to certain bedding habits, how being a sub or dom triggers your mind, and what works best for you to achieve that perfect orgasm. 

Do these mental exercises regularly to release the tip of the emotional spasm iceberg, and then leave it to your shrink to break down the more complex underlying feelings. If that doesn’t help, consider a sex therapist who helps you navigate your feelings and bodily needs as well. Once you can discern the black from white and come out of the greys, you’ll go back to having fun in the red room (iykyk). 

You’re irritated by the irritants 

According to Dr Sheregar, a lot of women are unaware of the ingredients in the products they think they are supposed to use. Whether it’s a vaginal foaming soap or even your handy lube, there’s a lot of discomfort caused by non-prescribed intimate care products. And the irritants in these products are what leave you with that burning sensation when your cooch is in motion and under friction. The only care your vagina needs is a good, gentle wash during your regular showers. Nothing more and nothing less. It’s not supposed to be a private party of products down there. Dr Sheregar also suggests using water or aloe-based lubricants as a safer alternative to ultra-fragrant, tingling ones if you absolutely must. 

Size matters 

Length and girth might have a direct relation to the amount of fun you’re having. Still, from a neurological standpoint, it can also be responsible for shooting big nerves that jerk you into momentary pain. So start simple and slow with foreplay that opens you up, missionary that easily gets you into a rhythm, and pillow talk that naturally calms the body down. Try this the next time you get under the covers with Mr Big. 

You might be dealing with an infection

Common issues like yeast infections and STIs can cause discomfort during sex and often require simple screening. Conditions such as fibroids or pelvic inflammatory disease can also contribute to pain and shouldn’t be overlooked. It’s important to be mindful of your sexual health, knowing your partner status and getting tested regularly if you’re with multiple partners. The reassuring part is that many of these concerns are treatable with oral medications, and supporting vaginal health through measures such as probiotics may help reduce the risk of recurrent infections, according to Dr Sheregar. 

Image: Netflix

Also read: Can not having sex actually affect your physical health?

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