liding into someone’s DMs sounds easy enough in theory. You see someone hot, interesting, funny, or some combination of the three, and you send them a message. Done! Except then you actually open the chat box and suddenly “hey” looks deeply embarrassing, everything else feels like too much, and you’ve somehow spent 20 minutes trying to craft a sentence for a person you have literally never met. Because while Instagram may not technically be a dating app, it has definitely introduced plenty of people who might never have crossed paths otherwise. And unlike matching with someone on an app, there’s no built-in confirmation that the person whose DMs you’re about to enter is interested in hearing from you—which can make figuring out how to slide into someone’s DMs feel particularly high-stakes. The goal, according to New York City-based neuropsychologist Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, is to create a “fun and interactive atmosphere” that encourages both people to actually engage. Still, making the first move doesn’t have to be nearly as complicated as your Notes-app drafts would suggest. We asked relationship experts how to slide into the DMs in a way that feels confident, natural, and, most importantly, not weird. (Yes, it’s possible.) Here’s what they had to say. Expert-Approved Tips for Sliding in the DMs Create a Hook If you’re sliding into the DMs of someone who doesn’t know you, give them a reason to respond. eharmony relationship expert Laurel House suggests asking yourself what would actually make you interested enough to write back. “Don’t send a throwaway message like ‘hi,’ ‘what’s up,’ ‘you’re hot,’ or ‘thanks for accepting my friend request,’” says House. “Those are statements, not conversation starters.” Instead, look at their profile and comment on or ask a question about something they’ve posted. Find Something You Can Relate To See a photo of their dog? Notice they’re always posting from a coffee shop you love or wearing merch from your favorite team? Use it. Finding something you genuinely have in common gives you a natural way into the conversation that doesn’t feel like you pulled an opening line off the internet. If they post from somewhere you’re planning to visit, for example, ask for a recommendation and mention that you have a trip coming up. Or if you recognize a restaurant, hobby, band, neighborhood, or pretty much anything else you’re actually interested in, use it to connect. The key is giving them something specific to respond to while revealing a little about yourself, too. Once you’ve sent your message, though, put the phone down. “Be all-in, unattached,” says House. “Engage in your initial outreach and put effort into the comment and question. But once it’s sent, forget about it (until they respond). That way you aren’t holding your breath until they read and respond.” Ask for Their Advice Another easy way to give someone something to respond to? Ask for their opinion or advice about something they’ve posted. “When you ask for someone’s advice or insight, when they answer, they are actually investing in you,” explains House. “They are more likely to think about you and wonder what you did with the piece of advice that they gave you.” Bonus: It also gives you a natural reason to circle back later and tell them how their recommendation worked out. Again, take your cue from their profile. If they posted an incredible-looking pasta dish, ask where it’s from or whether they have the recipe. If they’re always posting books, restaurants, workouts, or travel pics, ask for a recommendation you’d genuinely want. Basically, don’t invent a question just to get into their inbox—look for something you’re actually curious about and go from there. Use an Icebreaker If the conversation is already flowing, a low-stakes icebreaker can give you an easy way to keep it going. Hafeez suggests something like “two truths and a lie.” “It fosters a fun and interactive atmosphere, encourages sharing, and provides an opportunity for participants to learn interesting facts about each other,” she says. You don’t necessarily need to formally announce that you’re playing a game, either. A playful question, mini debate, or quick “pick one” based on something you’ve already been talking about can accomplish the same thing: giving you both an easy excuse to keep the conversation going. Stay Confident Easier said than done when you’re voluntarily putting yourself in a position to be rejected, but try not to approach the conversation like you’re auditioning for their approval. “You’re interested to see if you’re interested,” explains House, meaning the mindset should be less “I hope they like me” and more “I wonder if I’ll like them.” “You don’t know them yet, so there’s no reason to build them up in your mind and create a fantasy of how great they are in real life,” says House. “That being said, if they don’t respond or if they respond by saying something cold or rude, that says more about them than it says about you.”
