Does something feel ‘off’ in your relationship right now, but you’re struggling to pinpoint exactly what, or where, things are going wrong? Navigating long-term romantic relationships can be tricky. They go through ebbs and flows, and no relationship (not even the picture-perfect ones bombarding us from our phone screens) is rosy and happy all the time.
Friends (and let’s face it, TikTokers) are often full of advice as to how to navigate tough times, but they’re not the ones in the relationship, living it day-to-day. It can be so easy to be influenced by this and think that you have to do or behave exactly how other people do, but really you have to figure out what a happy relationship looks like to you.
Having said that, relationship therapists and psychologists do see the same mistakes crop up with their clients again and again. We asked them what errors they say women, in particular, are making that could be slowly damaging their relationships. This is what they had to say.
6 relationship mistakes you might be making
1.You’ve abandoned yourself
Throughout our lives, women are conditioned to believe that in order to be ‘good’ we have to put others’ needs before our own, at all costs. This can result in bottling things up, which leads to quiet resentment or feeling as if we’re fracturing off parts of ourselves in order to please others. “Many women aren’t failing at relationships; instead, they’re succeeding at being agreeable in systems that reward self-abandonment,” explains psychosexual and relationship therapist Dr Aoife Drury.
Drury sees women who are often “internalising how they are feeling through fear that expressing needs will make them ‘too much’ or ‘difficult’,” she says. “This can mean withholding feelings, over-editing themselves, and choosing harmony over honesty.”
Drury recommends trying to “tap into your body, rather than just isolating yourself to your thoughts”. This can look like “asking yourself how you feel in difficult times, not just highs. Move from, ‘Should this work?’ to, ‘How do I actually feel here?’.”
It might be that you find you’re doing the emotional labour for the pair of you, initiating all the check-ins, smoothing conflict, and explaining both your feelings and your partner’s. “This might result in excusing poor communication, translating a partner’s silence, staying ‘understanding’ long past the point of resentment.” She recommends tapping into how you feel and where you’re at in the relationship by “journalling, talking to friends who won’t push an agenda, or therapy that centres consent, agency, and self-trust”.
She adds that once you’ve identified how you’re feeling, you shouldn’t be afraid to raise it and see how your partner responds. “Relationships require work, they are not perfect, but it is how we repair and care for each other that are key, not just the enjoyable times. Long-term compatibility isn’t about never hurting each other, it’s about what happens after the hurt. Conflict leads to understanding, not withdrawal, that there is a curiosity of each other’s inner world, you feel more positive about yourself not less.”
Drury continues: “Apologies should include behaviour change, not just words. [This ensures] that disagreements don’t threaten the relationship and sometimes you can grow from them. There’s room and understanding for difference without defensiveness.”
