You finally found the relationship you wanted—so why does it feel like the end of an era?

When one of my best friends told me she was engaged, it felt like a milestone moment. In the 15 years we’ve been friends, I’ve been single for exactly zero. She, on the other hand, has been single (not by choice) for 13—and several before that. Sure, there were plenty of talking stages, situationships, and even the occasional three-to-six-month run with a boy that made it past the smokescreen phase. But, nothing seemed to really last—until now.

For the last two years, they’ve gone from friends and dating to living together, and now a wedding is in the offing. When we catch up over drinks so I can hear all about how ‘it’ (the proposal) happened, there are plenty of gushing details. But right at the tail end, she simply says, “So long, single life! I’ll miss you!” It’s an intriguing sentence; one I wasn’t expecting from her after all this time of “unhappy” singlehood. I have many friends who are single, and they love it—they wouldn’t trade it for the world. But she has never been one of them. The search for the right guy has taken up an inordinate amount of her mental energy—and airtime at our girls’ nights. So why, after finally heading into the life she’d been chasing, was there even a little bit of buyer’s remorse?

One aspect to consider is just how much being single is being normalised for the urban woman today. Millennial and Gen Z women find the pressure to be in a romantic relationship lessening; a combination of both financial freedom and strong, platonic support networks. In India, a 2023 Bumble survey reported that 24 per cent of Indian women no longer feel obligated to follow traditional timelines for marriage or children, and only 30 per cent of those women are actively seeking marriage. TikTok and Instagram are bursting with Reels of women mocking the ‘male loneliness epidemic’ by declaring they no longer owe their emotional and physical labour to a man who doesn’t deserve them. It’s been uplifting to watch, but it’s also not quite as clean-cut as that.

Good, bad, and ugly

There is no dearth of women choosing to be single—but the operative word is ‘choosing’. For a lot of women, singlehood is less a choice and more a circumstance they want to change. “I’d spent the last nine years of my life single,” says 26-year-old Disha, who just moved in with her boyfriend. The going has been good; she’s in love. But, life is drastically different from when she was a single girl living by herself in Bengaluru: “I’ve never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months, and I’ve never lived with anyone else. I love it, and I love my boyfriend. But, I miss being able to hang out with my friends on a whim. Now, I’m thinking for two—it’s beautiful, but tricky. I love coming home to someone; but I’m less spontaneous for it.” “I could be blatantly selfish!” says Saatvika, a 32-year-old chef from Delhi. “I could do whatever and go wherever; take a walk if the weather was beautiful, or out for a scenic drive alone, listening to my favourite songs. Don’t get me wrong—I love my partner’s company and doing activities together. But I do miss my own company, too.”

Wanting both singlehood and a relationship seems counter-intuitive—but it isn’t. It isn’t like being hungry and then being fed. It’s like travelling the world looking for a home, but missing the adventures of the journey when you’ve found it. Mehak, 31, moved to London with her husband after a lifetime of short relationships and singlehood, eventually finding their likes and preferences as a couple winning over her own sometimes. “He doesn’t like chai, and making it for one person is depressing, so I don’t drink chai anymore. I plan my social life around his busy periods. I book holidays based on the places we can go together—often not the same places I’d go on my own.” It’s a happy relationship, just one that takes work to stay that way. Pop culture always painted a particular picture of singlehood; it’s lonely, and everything turns into technicolour when you find ‘the one’. In recent years, the tables have turned. Singlehood—choosing yourself—wins over relationships on screen. But both perspectives are too black and white to be real.

The irony of it all

It isn’t easy for Gauri, 35, to admit it, but she sometimes misses the novelty of being single: “It makes me sound like the worst person in the world—especially because I love my boyfriend—but I do sometimes miss the newness of a first date, a first kiss. Everyone thinks that you don’t need it anymore when you find the right person—and I definitely would not trade this loving relationship to go back to a life of chronic singledom—but that’s not true. Just because you know you don’t want something for yourself anymore, doesn’t mean you can’t miss that part of your life from time to time.” The dual truth is that even good relationships create a sense of loss. Simply being in a relationship—thinking and acting for two—throws the life you’d built as an individual into a tailspin; your routines, your preferences, your ungoverned freedoms. And to not acknowledge the shift we make to mould our lives with a partner is a disservice to your single self. It’s okay to be happy, and still feel dislodged from the ways you were set in. It’s okay to want companionship and freedom. It’s okay to give your single life a hug and say goodbye—and promise to keep in touch.

Staying in touch with your single self

We’ve all been conditioned to treat singlehood like a rash that only the right antidote (slash partner) can clear. But it’s okay for us to want a relationship—and enjoy it—while also missing the person we were without it. Here are a few things that can help with that feeling:

Identify what you miss

Half the battle? Knowing. The things you miss about being single are not the same as someone else. For a friend, it could be spontaneity. For you, it could be time with your friends. There are no wrong answers when all you’re trying to do is be honest with yourself.

Have that conversation

Chances are, there are aspects of singlehood they miss too. If they wonder if you’re unhappy, assure them you’re not. Explain gently that you love being with them, and that this isn’t about them but the structure you both are in. Sometimes, just talking helps bring you closer.

Explore solutions

Some parts of being single will inevitably die with a relationship like dating (unless you’re consensually non-monogamous), or having to factor someone else into big life decisions. But a lot can be worked around. Craving alone time? Bookmark time to take it. Missing the spontaneity of doing something at random? Let your partner know you might every so often.

Mourn the unfixable

Some things you just won’t have anymore—total autonomy over your life, sex with a new partner, centring your needs, or full financial freedom—and it’s okay to be sad about it. A relationship, for better or worse, is a joining of two lives; an accountability single people don’t face. You can mourn things you’ve lost while still feeling grateful for your partner.

Acknowledge a new phase

We have been conditioned to focus on the problems of singlehood and the joys of relationships. But the reverse is also true. The best relationships still forgo individual agency for the sake of the collective unit. One is not worse than the other (toxic relationships notwithstanding); they’re just different phases. Acknowledging that your life is entering a new era is the first step to fully appreciate it.

Author and editor Saumyaa Vohra’s ‘Match Point’ explores the ever-evolving dynamics of young love. Vohra is the author of the novel One Night Only, published by Pan Macmillan India.

Images: IMDb

*Names have been changed for anonymity.

This article first appeared in the Cosmopolitan July-August 2025 print edition.

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