You might assume that a fully formed brain would be a good thing to bring to a relationship, but it turns out mental maturation could actually be the death of one—assuming you believe in frontal lobe breakups, that is. According to those that do, a “frontal lobe breakup” is one that occurs suddenly in your mid-20s, supposedly as the result of construction wrapping on the prefrontal cortex around that age. Essentially, the idea is that the cognitive clarity of a finished brain has a way of shining an unflattering light on the stupid romantic decisions we’re wont to make in our younger and more vulnerable years. And should you happen to find yourself still in a relationship with one of those stupid decisions? That new and improved frontal lobe may just tell you it’s time to end it. The concept has gained traction online in recent years, with many frontal lobe breakup believers reporting similar experiences of hitting their mid-to-late 20s and suddenly realizing they needed to break up with the partners they’d acquired when they were younger and presumably dumber. Emily Ratajkowski even got in on the trend, taking to TikTok last year to dissuade women from making any long-term, legally binding romantic commitments before at least age 25. While the evidence may be largely anecdotal and self-reported, the logic seems to hold up. But is your frontal lobe really coming for your relationship? Here’s what the experts have to say on whether a full-grown brain is actually to blame for these breakups. What Is a Frontal Lobe Breakup? To fully understand frontal lobe breakups, it helps to understand the frontal lobe itself—which is why I asked some literal neurology experts to take time out of their precious lives to explain it to me. “The frontal lobe is the part of the brain that helps with planning, decision-making, self-control, and understanding consequences,” says neuropsychologist Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, director of Comprehend the Mind, adding that development begins in childhood and continues through adolescence and early adulthood, typically culminating in the mid-to-late 20s. “Reaching full frontal lobe maturity means the brain is better at thinking ahead instead of acting on impulse. This is why younger people may take more risks while older adults often think things through more carefully.” Essentially, this process “refines the circuits of the prefrontal cortex so that they operate with greater efficiency, connectivity, and speed,” explains neuroscientist Tom Bellamy, PhD, author of Smitten: Romantic Obsession, the Neuroscience of Limerence, and How to Make Love Last. Completed frontal lobe development is associated with things like better impulse control, judgment, and emotional regulation. Thus, a frontal lobe breakup is thought to be the result of this enhanced cognitive function and the clarity that comes with it. Are Frontal Lobe Breakups Real? “There is some truth to the concept of a frontal lobe breakup, but it can sometimes be oversimplified,” says relationship expert Thais Gibson, PhD, founder of the Personal Development School. It’s true that frontal lobe development is usually completed by the late 20s and that this process sharpens judgment and decision-making skills—both things that can certainly affect your love life and possibly find you re-evaluating choices you made before your brain reached its full adult form. “While brain development alone doesn’t cause breakups, it can support clearer judgment,” says Dr. Haveez. “Better impulse control can also reduce staying in relationships out of fear or habit and increased emotional awareness may highlight unhealthy patterns that were easy to ignore before. In that sense, growing cognitive maturity can definitely shift how someone views love and long-term compatibility.” However, Dr. Haveez notes that one major misconception the theory behind frontal lobe breakups seems to perpetuate is the idea that brain development is something sudden that functions like an on/off switch—once that prefrontal cortex grows in, bam: instant maturity unlocked. “In reality, the brain changes slowly over time and is shaped by everyday experiences, rather than from a single milestone in someone’s life,” Dr. Haveez explains. To that point, Bellamy adds that our brains don’t develop in a vacuum independent of our lived experiences but are rather “actively driven” by them. “The maturation process in the prefrontal cortex is responsive to the social environment that we are in as it’s happening,” he explains. “In other words, the wobbles and mistakes of romantic life that we experience are what determine the course of cortical refinement. You can’t get to the end without going through it.” Meanwhile, Dr. Haveez adds that external social factors may also play a more significant role than the strictly internal, biological one central to the idea of frontal lobe breakups. “Life circumstances in the mid-20s often shift quickly and put pressure on relationships,” he explains, noting that things like finishing school, starting careers, and acquiring newfound financial obligations or independence can all impact the future of a relationship. “If there are cracks in communication, unmet needs, or just a fundamental lack of compatibility between partners, these external stressors can cause a relationship to finally snap,” adds Gibson. “Many breakups happen not only because someone suddenly matured, but because they finally feel experienced and confident enough to leave what was familiar but unhealthy.” Are Frontal Lobe Breakups Inevitable? If this all has you fearing for the safety of the long-term relationship you entered back when your brain was still all loose and undercooked, don’t worry—I promise you can still be stupid and make terrible choices no matter how old you are, especially in your love life. “Plenty of people with fully developed frontal lobes still repeat unhealthy patterns,” says Gibson. “Emotional maturity, attachment wounds, and learned relationship behaviors do not automatically resolve with age.” But while a mature prefrontal cortex can’t fix a failing relationship, it needn’t necessarily end a functional one, either. According to Gibson, growing into your brain doesn’t have to mean growing out of your relationship; it is totally possible for two people to forge a long-term partnership early on that allows them to grow together rather than apart as their frontal lobes mature. “Someone who has done real emotional work earlier in life can build a healthy relationship at a younger age,” says Gibson. On the other hand, “If emotional wounds, poor boundaries, and unhealthy communication are still running the show, no amount of cognitive maturity will prevent the same patterns from repeating.” So whether your frontal lobe makes or breaks a relationship, just remember: You’re literally never too old to be a goddamn idiot with the decision-making abilities of a rabid raccoon. Ask me how I know.
