The 30 Emotional Stages of It Being DECEMBER ALREADY

November

 

1. Why are the shops full of Christmas decorations when it was Halloween like, five minutes ago?! Capitalism is completely ruining the fun of Christmas.

 

December

2. ARRRGHHHH.

 

3. How did this happen? Life is passing me by :'(

 

4. But it's awesome that I can finally open my advent calendar

 

5. Ahhhh that cheap unique advent calendar chocolate taste takes me right back to my childhood...

 

6. Right back to the time I opened the big '25' door of my 1994 calendar before Christmas day and felt dreadful. Will I ever get over it?!

 

7. Oh balls, I forgot to buy myself one of those amazing beauty advent calendars.

 

8. Although getting to open FIVE doors on the 5th December can only be a good thing... SOLD.

 

9. But what in literal Christ's name am I going to get everyone else for Christmas?!

 

10. And how am I going to fund it..? Why don't they put a giant "WARNING: LAST MONEY YOU'LL SEE BEFORE CHRISTMAS" label on your pay packet?

 

11. I know, I'll set up a Pinterest board for some DIY (read: affordable) Christmas gift ideas. There's a big difference between Pinterest-cheap and poundshop-cheap, don't you know?

 

12. WOW, there are some truly amazing ideas out there. Creativity is just so inspiring, I'm totally starting a craft blog in 2018.

 

13. Time to try and make one of these bad boys...

 

14. Wow. Pinterest is a big fat liar. Getting a cookie recipe mix into beautiful layers in a jar is not as easy as 1-2-fucking-3.

 

15. Back to the non-DIY drawing board for my Christmas gift list, then.

 

16. Jenny will want a... um... How can I suddenly not remember the vaguest interests of my closest mates? I am a terrible human.

 

17. Definitely time for a nice calming Christmas sandwich. These are one of the best things about December.

 

18. That and all the festive specials in coffee shops. Give me ALL the gingerbready, hazelnutty goodness please, kind sir.

 

19. So much for Christmas flavoured milk?! Eek. I probably can't afford my December lifestyle AND buy presents for everyone. Other people ruin everything.

 

20. Christmas is such a double-edged sword of emotion, isn't it?

 

21. I'm going to tweet "Christmas is a double-edged sword of emotion," to cryptically inform my friends and family that they're ruining my December with their gift needs. They'll totally get the subconscious message.

 

22. Time to perfect my fake "I definitely do not want to punch you" smile required for all drama-free family Christmasses.

 

23. Hmm. I wonder what the Christmas gifting policy is for friends with benefits..?

 

24. If I see another Christmas advert, I will scream. PISS OFF, ELTON JOHN!

 

25. Oooh the office party is coming up! The night that all of the best gossip will be born.

 

26. Oh, arse - that means it's time to think about party dresses, too.

 

27. Whose idea was it to make 'party season' coincide with the only time of the year you're existing solely on mince pies, mulled wine and stuffing-stuffed sandwiches? IT MAKES NO SENSE.

 

28. A hides-all smock dress it is! I will deprive myself of festive delicacies for nobody.

 

29. Plus, Christmas parties are basically what de-tagging was invented for.

 

30. On the plus side, I can finally request the Christmas gifts on the wish list I've been curating since July! December, you are the greatest.