Is Your Boyfriend a Big Baby?

 

At my graduation, my boyfriend snuck up behind me and tripped me for a laugh,’ says 22-year-old Sasha*. ‘I was on the floor in my Zara dress, with everyone staring, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. I was so angry, I told him to grow up!” It probably wasn’t the first time a guy had been told that—and it certainly won’t be the last. That’s because Sasha’s boyfriend, and a high percentage of men—especially those in their 20s and 30s—suffer from what pop psychology calls Peter Pan Syndrome (PPS, aka ‘kidulthood’): an inability to mature. Initially, it can be fun. “He wanted to hike, stay up all night, and watch the sunrise,’ says Sasha. But while she was growing up, he remained emotionally immature—and that could spell an unhappy ending to a relationship.

Peter Who?
Initially discussed by Dan Kiley in his book The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up, men with the syndrome lack any desire to take responsibility for their life or to make adult commitments. They refuse to be active, adult members of society; they are, as Urban Dictionary bluntly puts it, ‘in their mid-20s, still living with their parents, while working a minimum-wage job and carrying a student loan for an arts degree’. The lure of a man with PPS is he will usually show you a hell of a good time. “These people have an appetite for life and don’t take much seriously,” says Veronique Breugelmans, a Johannesburg life coach. “They’re always ready for adventure, take good care of themselves, and have that certain sex appeal that lures in their mates. The bonus is the men who have this condition get along really well with their mom. Or is that a bonus...?” It sounds like the kind of guy you’d want for no-holds- barred fun—but there is a catch. “These individuals often have a hard time building strong, committed and genuine relationships, which can spiral them into a lonely, victim space,” says Breugelmans. And don’t confuse this with being young at heart. “PPS is different from keeping the child in you alive,” she says. “The latter is still empowered, takes responsibility for his place in the world and actively makes decisions to keep moving forward, whereas the former is a helpless victim of circumstance—or at least behaves as such.”

Are you a Wendy ? 
Pointing a disapproving finger at him will most likely end in an argument, and it won’t help you focus on what matters most—you. Often, men with PPS find themselves dating their very own Wendy, a kind of mother figure who enables Peter to continue living as a child.  “PPS doesn’t discriminate; any man or woman could display signs of it,” says Breugelmans. “It implies that such traits are nurtured and groomed by overprotective parenting, and by parents taking away their children’s right to make mistakes and learn the power of personal responsibility. By taking away this power, they create a child that operates from a place of extreme dependability on the one hand, and extreme fear and emotional resistance on the other.” If you’re a focused woman with a good job and healthy ambition, you need to make sure you’re not perpetuating this cycle and committing to a life of supporting him.

Flogging a dead foal?
Not all men with PPS are a lost cause. Talk to him. “By asking questions rather than making judgments or accusations, you’ll be able to create a safe space for growth,” says Breugelmans. “People with PPS have very low self-esteem; this causes them to feel demotivated and depressed. Judgments will only feed the problem.” Instead, try kind and compassionate questions that will help him make his own choices about his attitude. “Eradicate ‘Why’ questions,” says Breugelmans. “They are confrontational—and PPS individuals do not like to be cornered. Go with ‘What’ or ‘How’ questions instead.” Remember: no one will change for you. “If you expect someone to change or give ultimatums to them, chances are you’ll drive him away,” says Breugelmans. Peter Pans have to choose to leave Neverland on their own; all you can do is show them the way.

Is your man a Peter Pan?
These questions should help you figure out whether you have a kidult playing PlayStation on your couch :

Are his toys age-appropriate?
An hour-long football sesh with the boys on a Sunday is one thing. Three hours building expensive train tracks in another room when your colleagues are over for dinner is another!

Can he pay his bills?
...or at least take responsibility for his finances and save for his future?

Does he prioritise his friends above all?
Pay attention to the pedestal he puts his friends on. Does he do whatever they want him to, with no healthy boundaries in place?

Does he chuck the dummy?
Find out whether your man deals with confrontation in a mature way, offering solutions and reasonable arguments instead of getting irrationally sulky when confronted.