Cultivating a self-pleasure practice may be all you need for complete sexual self-knowledge and liberation

Up until my late twenties my own pleasure seemed incredibly mysterious to me.

During intercourse, it took so much effort to even attempt to reach orgasm, it was so hit or miss, that most of the time I’d end up just faking it.

Women’s pleasure has long been characterized in sex and relationship advice columns as ‘difficult’, ‘complicated’, ‘unlikely to happen every time’, ‘too much to ask for’. So I thought that just is how it is.

In the unlikely event that a partner was both generous and skilled at cunnilingus, I found that I was far more likely to have a good time. However, even then, I was often too busy worrying about how I look and taste and smell to fully enjoy myself.

Then, one evening, I was chatting at a party with a friend who is bisexual. She had been in a relationship with a woman for the last couple of years; they’d broken up a few months ago and she had recently developed a crush on a man, but after getting physical with him she was terribly disappointed.

‘How do you straight girls manage?’ she asked incredulously. ‘He had no clue what he was doing! I’d forgotten how much straight guys need to be schooled! I don’t think I’m going to bother having casual sex with a dude again after this—my vibrator is so fantastic, and I don’t even have to shave my legs!’

I had never owned a vibrator and I had no idea what I was missing. But if the look in my friend’s eyes when she talked about hers was anything to go by, clearly I was missing a lot. I asked her to tell me all about it.

‘Sex with a guy who has no idea how your body works, when you have a vibrator at home, is quite literally like choosing to take the bus when you own a Ferrari,’ she laughed.
‘Even the most highly skilled lover can’t compete with the speed and consistency. It’s just a massive technological upgrade from anything a human can do. I know it’s a machine, and of course it can’t replace the amazing sense of care and connection that comes with a great relationship, but it sure beats bad sex with some random dude who can’t be bothered to figure out what makes you feel good. My vibrator has taught me so much about the extent of the pleasure my body is capable of!’

All through my teenage years, I had never masturbated—I’d internalized all the ridiculous messaging about it being a silly, shameful thing to do, and an inferior substitute to ‘real’ sex.

And as I entered adulthood and had my first sexual relationships, I thought since I was having partnered sex, surely I had no need for masturbation.

It was only just beginning to dawn on me how mistaken I’d been.

Why was I ashamed to explore my pleasure on my own? And did I even know enough about my own pleasure to be able to make it a genuine priority during partnered sex?

As soon as I got home that night, I scoured the internet for how to buy sex toys in India and promptly ordered the best vibrator I could afford. (Since this was several years ago, there was significantly less choice than there is now.)

Still, I found something rather life-altering.

It was a dual action ‘rabbit’-style vibrator—one that can provide both intense clitoral and rumbly vaginal stimulation simultaneously. And yes, I am pleased to report that it does feel every bit as toe-curlingly satisfying as it sounds.

Since we’re on the topic of toys—a quick aside here before I continue on the subject of my own sexual self-discovery—the ‘rabbit’ design has actually been around for decades. Having become quite the toy aficionado at this point, when I look at my old rabbit vibe now, I’ve got to admit it’s rather crude- looking in comparison to the sleek and abstract aesthetics that morecontemporary sex tech has adopted—so you might want to try a newer design if you’re inspired to buy your first vibrator. That said, the rabbit certainly still manages to get the job done. 
The first time I used it I was so struck by what I experienced that I thought if I could make one wish right now, I would wish that it rained vibrators—so everyone on the planet with a vulva could have one. I couldn’t believe that up until this point I didn’t even know how much pleasure my body was capable of. 

Vibrators are incredibly effective at stimulating the vulva, particularly the external clitoris. For me, having an orgasm during partnered penetrative sex typically required a meticulous combination of oral sex and fingering beforehand and just the right angle thereafter, and so, reaching orgasm would take at least thirty minutes or more overall—if it even happened at all. With a vibrator, you’re likely to be able to orgasm in a matter of minutes if you want to. Every. Time.

Also, if like me, you too proceeded into your first sexual relationships without having ever really masturbated, here’s the other discovery I made when I finally got started: There’s just something about doing an activity alone rather than in the presence of another person.

Consider even an activity as banal and everyday as eating. Don’t you sometimes eat a bit differently in front of people than you might when you’re on your own? And sometimes, don’t you just want to eat chocolate ice cream straight from the tub, as much of it and as messily as you want, without anyone watching you?

It takes a spectacularly high level of self-confidence and self-awareness to do any task in front of another person exactly the way you would when you’re on your own. I realized that this can be particularly true of sex, especially with a new partner.

Cultivating a self-pleasure practice, especially for vulva-owners (most penis-owners cultivate one anyway), can be a wonderful entryway into discovering your own body and pleasure minus the pressure of any expectations or insecurities that often become magnified when you’re with a partner you want to please and impress.

After years of believing my pleasure was inscrutable and elusive, I discovered that it is actually not ‘difficult’ at all. I simply hadn’t known enough about how my body works, and the cultural messaging around how women should experience sex had been inaccurate and misleading.

I learned more about my pleasure and my body over the year that I bought my vibrator than I had over all previous years of being sexually active combined. It has literally been a revelation.

I also got so much better at being able to articulate my preferences during partnered sex. Equipped with the newfound knowledge about how my body works in relation to pleasure, I was able to communicate with my partner much more confidently and effectively.

Too often as women we’re made to feel like we ought to downplay or hide our sexuality and desires—even when we do know what makes us feel good, we may hesitate to instruct our partners or ask for what we want.

Men, on the other hand, are encouraged to present themselves as sexually assertive and knowledgeable, even if they don’t actually know what they’re doing.

By exploring my pleasure solo, I was able to better understand the most intimate parts of my body and, as a result, I became much more expressive in my romantic life.

After all, if we don’t discover and share what works for us, how can we expect our partners to know?

In fact, since I’m really baring my soul (or is it my vagina?) here, I might as well tell you that cultivating a self-pleasure practice for the first time in my life in my late twenties had such a profound impact on me that it really galvanized the creation of my digital platforms focused on pleasure-centric sex education five years ago.

I had long wanted to create free and accessible sex ed resources, but it was this experience of self-discovery and pleasure that was the tipping point. It was like, Oh. My. Gosh. How did I not know this—how did I not know that I could feel this much pleasure? There must be so many people out there who still don’t know. Time to shout it from the rooftops!

But let me also say this: while it’s certainly worth acquainting yourself with your own genitals, there’s also lots more to sexual pleasure than just the penis and vulva. Many people of all genders experience intense pleasure from things like kissing, nipple stimulation, stimulation of the ears, neck or back, stimulation of the core muscles, stimulation of the feet and, believe it or not, even via meditation.

Slowly, thoughtfully figuring out your arousal can be a hugely fulfilling experience.

Remember, your body is a treasure trove of pleasure. Go forth and explore!

This is an extract from Leeza Mangaldas’ latest, The Sex Book with Harper Collins.