70 funny jokes to have up your sleeve

Because we love a bit of cheese (cuff us)

01 March, 2024
70 funny jokes to have up your sleeve

Ok ok, so we're not claiming to be Ed Gamble or James Acaster, but sometimes you just need a funny joke up your sleeve. Maybe a first date just got a bit awkward, or you're trying to make your niece laugh. Or maybe you need to help a friend cheer up, or you've just been approached by one of those TikTokers shouting "If you make me laugh I will buy you a car."

Here are 50 funny jokes to have up your sleeve, even if you do think they're a bit cringe.

Short jokes

  • How do you know if a vampire is unwell?

Because he'll be coffin

  • Where do pirates get their hooks?

Second hand shops

  • Why did the bicycle collapse?

It was too tyred

  • What kind of music do bubbles hate?


  • Why did the hairdresser win the race?

He knew a shortcut

  • How did the picture end up in prison?

It was framed

  • What do solicitors wear to work?


  • Why did the bullet lose its job?

It got fired

  • Why can’t a toe be 12 inches long?

Then it’d be a foot

  • Want to hear a joke about a roof?

The first one’s on the house

  • What does a house wear?

  • What did one wall say to the other?

"I'll meet you at the corner"

  • Why is grass so dangerous?

It’s full of blades

  • What’s orange and sounds like a carrot?

A parrot

  • Why do French people eat snails?

They don’t like fast food

  • Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing?

A meatball

  • How do trees get online?

They just log on!

  • How do billboards talk?

Sign language

Food jokes

  • What do PHD students eat when they're hungry?

Academia nuts

  • Why should you always knock before opening the fridge door?

In case there's a salad dressing

  • Why couldn't the sesame seed stop talking?

He was on a roll

  • Why do prawns never share?

Because they're shellfish

  • What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror?


  • What do you call a drunk parsnip?

A steaming vegetable

  • Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi

  • Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling

  • What did one pickle say to the other?

Dill with it

  • What food is never on time?


  • What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

Animal jokes

  • What’s the most famous fish?

A starfish!

  • What are spiders really good at?

Surfing the web

  • What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabrador

  • How does a farmer keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator

  • What do you call an alligator detective?

    An investi-gator

    • Where would you find a giraffe?

    The same place you lost it!

    • Why don't they play cards in the jungle?

    Too many cheetahs

    • How do you measure a slug?

    In inches, because they don't have feet

    • What social events do spiders love to attend?


    • What do you get from a pampered cow?

    Spoiled milk

    • Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

    They don’t have the right koala-fications

    • What do you call a well-balanced horse?


      • What do you call a bear with no teeth?

      A gummy bear

      • What’s the smartest insect?

      A spelling bee!

      More funny jokes

      • What do you call a singer with a laptop on her head?


          • When is a door not a door?

          When it's ajar

            • What do toilets do when they're embarrassed?

            They always get a bit flush

            • How do you organise a space-themed party?

            You planet

            • Why do pancakes always win at cricket?

            They have the best batter

            • Why did the robot arrive at the event so tired?

            He had a hard-drive

            • What do runners eat before a race?

            Nothing - they fast

            • How do you stop an astronaut’s toddler from crying?

            You rocket

            • What do you call an unpredictable camera?

            A loose Canon

                • Why shouldn't you use a broken pencil?

                Because it's point-less

                • What did the policeman say to his nipple?

                You're under a vest

                • Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet?

                He kept getting lost at C

                • Why was Cinderella so bad at rugby?

                She kept running away from the ball

                • What did the dentist win at the competition?

                A little plaque

                • What do you call a skeleton with only a head?

                A nobody

                • What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

                One's very heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

                • Why do ghosts like to take the lift?

                It lifts their spirits

                • What do you call a patronising bear?

                A pan-duh

                  • Why did the scarecrow win an award?

                  He was outstanding in his field

                    • Why didn't the skeleton never go on dates?

                    He didn't have the guts to ask anyone

                    • Do you want to hear a construction joke?

                    Sorry, I’m still working on it

                    • Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?

                    He's a bit of a pain in the neck

                    • What do you call a guy who’s really loud?


                    • What do you call a retired vegetable?

                    A has-bean

                    • Can February March?

                    No, but April May!

                    • Why shouldn't you marry a calendar?

                    Its days are numbered

                    • Why do barbers make good drivers?

                    They know a lot of short cuts

                        Credit: Cosmopolitan