Are You On a Permanent Guilt Trip?

Ever felt you were neglecting the love of your life? Like you simply didn’t have the time to factor in a much-needed day-out-withdaddy? That you have no choice but to bail on the Thursday night martini-mayhem sesh with the ladies for the umpteenth week in a row? Chances are, at least one (if not all) of the above scenarios is something most of us have been through in the recent past. With more pressures at work than ever before, and nothing to ease home lives either, there’s very little time on our hands and too much to do in those precious ‘free’ hours. For some, it’s relatively easy to shove the Couldn’t-Do list under the thickest imaginary carpet. But for the majority of us, the leftovers cause a great deal of heartburn.

“I just feel guilty all the time—I feel guilty about not being able to spend enough time at home with my folks, I cut myself up over having to stay late at work and not see my boyfriend and friends as often as I would like to, I’m angst-ridden because my younger sis is having huge adjustment problems at a new school but I’m too frazzled to even give her a patient hearing…The worst part is I have absolutely no clue how to get out of this cycle. It’s just exhausting,” says a glum Simran, 28, graphic designer. Guilt is technically defined as an emotional experience that happens when a person believes—whether justified or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard and is responsible for that violation. Feelings of guilt often give rise to tremendous conflicts within individual psyches on account of things that he/she should or shouldn’t have done. As multitasking women leading more-than-full lives in the modern world, we shoulder great burdens of guilt, professional as well as personal. The effects of this can hamper productivity at work and also reduce (and in some extreme cases, completely obliterate) our ability to enjoy life in general. According to www.anxietyculture. com, “Most of the unpleasantness of the ‘real world’—the competitiveness, hostility, resentment, anxiety—can be traced to the guilt system…We each carry a burden of unresolved guilt from our childhood.” Add day-to-day bouts of blameworthiness to this theory, and you’ve just concocted a combustible mix of negative emotions seething below the surface order you’ve imposed, ready to inflame at the slightest provocation. Sounds bleak? Fear not—Cosmo played investigator and came up with a foolproof plan to exorcise this demon. Read on to find out just how you can liberate yourself from liabilities… Forever.

The Guilty Daughter

“I have a really hectic job, one that demands all my time and attention. I live with my parents but hardly get to see them. I always treated my mum’s complaints about my being an absentee daughter as part of the parental package. A few weeks earlier, my father had a mild heart attack; my mother kept trying to reach me on my cellphone but I didn’t answer as I was in the m i d d l e o f a presentation and I thought she was calling to nag me about getting my clothes done for a cousin’s wedding. When I finally did get around to ringing her back, they were both at hospital. Till the end life, I’ll never be able to forgive myself for not being there when they needed me the most,” confesses Sayoni, 27, corporate lawyer.

We’ve all fallen into the trap of taking the two people who’re responsible for us being on the face of this planet for granted. There’s a lot of hype built around the concept of adulthood. As pigtailed schoolgirls we’ve hung out with the gang, built castles in a particular brand of air definitely scented with Teen Spirit (and Kurt Cobain) about the wonders of being independent, about not having to beg for money to pick up that brand new CD/ poster/perfume, about the tremendous rush of not having a midnight curfew that needs to be kept in mind every time we go out for a party, about not having to sneak out to meet the man of the moment. Once we actually qualify as an 'adult’, we’re accosted with the realisation that possibly it's not as as glamorous as our older sisters made it seem.

"You wake up. There's nothing more you’d more than to take the day off and catch the latest Oscar-winning flick at the theatre. You allow yourself precisely three minutes of thinking that you’ll call in sick before your conscience kicks in and you haul yourself into the shower. The point is you feel responsible,” explains Jayashri, 25, assistant art curator. The tragedy is that most of us end up being responsible about work but end up neglecting the home front. Case in point: Sayoni’s story. Parents and siblings are the easiest people to shove into the background while we’re swirling on the slightly skewered axis of adulthood. After all, aren’t families supposed to love each other unconditionally, whatever the circumstances? No—like every other relationship, familial ties, especially the ones with your parents, need to be nurtured. Whether it’s a nightly cup of coffee (remember the Nescafe ad where the dishy RJ walks in home at midnight, shares a cuppa with Daddy and talks about his day?), or a quick text in the middle of the day, or remembering important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, weddings), parents need to feel/hear/sense that you love them and that you care enough to be around when they need you. They’re your parents and definitely not stupid; after all, they gave birth to YOU. No one understands the fact that you have a life better than them. All they want is a small reminder that they’re part of it too.

Take five minutes out from your so-busy-it- hurts schedule every day and connect with them in some small way—give them a quick ring, call the florist to deliver the white carnations your mother loves to her doorstep, stop at a pastry shop on your way back home to pick up some fudge for your father, take them out for an impromptu dinner. You’ll be amazed at the difference such small things make to the two people who will stick by you till the very end. And the best part: You will now wake up feeling better than before because you’re finally being truly ‘responsible’ and ‘adult’.Forever.

The Guilty Girlfriend

He made your knees feel like jelly the moment he dragged up a chair and proceeded to talk to you on a common friend’s birthday. And he had you the very second he said your accent reminded him of a Merchant-Ivory movie (so what if he couldn’t name a single one when you asked him for specifics; nobody’s perfect!). Everything was roses, roses all the way till life intervened and made its presence felt. And not in a good way! “My boyfriend and I met when we were in the final year of college. We were inseparable from the word ‘go’ and did almost everything together. Once we started working, however, things changed a lot. Initially we still managed to catch up for a late-night movie or a drink after work. But now it’s been two years of working at a demanding TV channel, I’ve also recently moved in with my parents and, at times, I just don’t get to see him for days on end. He keeps telling me he understands but what makes me feel awful is that when I do manage to get a little time off from work and family commitments, I’m so tired even when I’m with him. I feel absolutely terrible about it almost constantly,” says Saakshi 26, television anchor.

According to www.oaktraining.com, “Women’s stress in the workplace is related to lack of balance and demands of home and work combined.” Consequently, this pressure often takes a toll on almost every single twenty-something who is enslaved by the 9-5 syndrome. “Stressful relationships are not always the result of a couple being non simpatico,” claims relationship expert Georgette Pauls. She believes that the key to countering guilt feelings arising due to external influencers in a love relationship is for both partners to not indulge in blame games. Both you and your man have a hectic work-week and it’s perfectly normal for both of you to be tired and need down time. Yet this doesn’t mean that you don’t spend quality minutes together. Whether it’s dropping your man a quick e-mail or grabbing a sandwich together during your lunch b r e a k ( t r a f f i c permitting), you need to find ways of connecting with each other everyday.

Can’t make it for dinner at his pad? Call up his fave takeaway place and ask them to deliver dessert. Follow this up with a flirty message that says, since he couldn’t have you, he should at least have some dessert. Not only will he be instantly mollified, but he’ll also cherish your thoughtfulness. “Good loving takes some advance planning and effort. Good loving also takes practice and energy,” says Pauls. When you don’t have hours to spare, make a second count. With this as your motto, you’re well on your way to making your man feel he’s the luckiest bloke alive. And you’ll be on your way to happiness! 

The Guilty Professional

In today’s demanding economic environment, every single person is pushed against the wall when it comes to their jobs. And if you’re a career-conscious girl then you definitely have to master a mean juggling act. But what do you do when it all becomes just a bit too much to handle? “I’ve been working for five years and handle a varied portfolio of clients. With recession wreaking havoc on the market, most of the people I work with are on the verge of panic. My clients need constant hand-holding, my boss needs constant updates and my team needs constant reassurance that they’re not getting the infamous pink slip. The pressure is so intense and I can see stuff slipping through the cracks. This never happened earlier and I’m actually wasting a lot of precious time just angsting over it,” says Sheeba, 28, publicist.

Stop hyperventilating! Adam McFarland, owner of www. iprioritize.com, “A state-of-the-art list-making portal, shares these four basic tips guaranteed to your worklife smoother:

Make a list: This does seem to be pretty obvious but you will feel better by just jotting everything down instead of attempting to organise your to-dos in your head. 

Consider time constraints: Differentiate between what absolutely needs to get done right this minute and what can actually wait until tomorrow or even next week.

Consider people constraints: Always try to move things that your co-workers are waiting for to the top of your list. Consider the consequences: Are you likely to get the pink slip if you don’t do something? Is this task going to impact that promotion you’ve been aiming for? These factors are key when it comes to deciding your priorities. As and when the urgency level of specific priorities rises or diminishes, update your list. McFarland insists this will give you a sense of control over the situation. The result: your stress factor decreases and so does your guilt!

The Guilty Friend

All you lovely lasses know there’s no commodity as valuable as the everlasting company of like-minded ladies (and maybe just a few good men). The tragedy is that sometimes, just sometimes, we all take this aspect of our lives completely for granted. Picture a series of phone calls between two BFFS:

Day 1:

BFF 1: Hey, girl! It’s been ages since we’ve hung out. Drink in the eve?

BFF 2: Damn! I’ve got deadlines to meet, dinner with the parents and movie with the man…Tomorrow?

BFF 1: You got it!

Day 2:

BFF 1: So what time tonight?

BFF 2: Oh nooooooooo! I’ve had to invite my colleague over for an impromptu bitch session. I’m so sorry.

BFF 1: Okay, okay. But I’ll kill you if you ditch me tomorrow.

Day 3:

BFF 2 (as soon as she picks up her phone): Sweetie, I’m so sorry…

BFF 1 (cuts her off): Fine (and cancels the call).

The firmness of that click making you wince? We’ve all been there, done that and eaten very healthy doses of humble pie with the women in our lives. While most strong friendships can withstand minor calamities, repeatedly taking each other for granted can test the patience of even a saint. And you’ve got to remember that your best friend is hardly that. You love her because she’s warm, sensitive, is always there to hold your hand/pick up the pieces/bake you chocolate cake/listen to you gripe/and tell you you’re fantastic, when you need it the most. According to Judy Dippel, co-author of The Art Of Authentic Friendship: Real Women, Real Challenges, Real Solutions, “Emotional anguish between friends can spring from hurtful actions or circumstances. Often it is complicating, confusing, and challenging. When someone gets ‘burned’ or feels rejected, bitterness and resentment threaten to extinguish even the best of relationships, and create simmering resentment or bitterness deep within.” 

Dippel reminds us that the most important thing in a friendship is to keep in mind that you and your pal are two separate individuals. She stresses on the importance of frank and open communication. It may not be the most pain-free way to sort thing but you definitely need to make an effort to reach out to her. Pick a convenient, distraction-free zone that suits both of you and instead of playing a blame game, agree to disagree. If you’re sincere and honest, you’ll find her thawing instantly. As Dippel points out, “The challenges presented within friendships provide opportunities for change and growth when they are faced candidly and honestly by both people.” Net gains for you: You don’t have to feel severe twinges about being the equivalent of a rat fink every single night before you guys meet up!