Can hiding the truth be as damaging as lying in a relationship?

When your partner asks you if their outfit looks good, it can feel like you’ve been put on a hot seat, especially if you think it doesn’t! So what do you do then? Do you cook up a lie to make your boo feel good or do you not say anything and manage to distract her by changing the topic? 

If you smoked a cig and you chose to just not tell your partner you did, you are not lying but you are still withholding the truth. Everyone has a different ideology. Some people think there are white lies and little secrets that are okay to keep, especially if it causes no harm and protects the other person from being hurt. Some people have a rather black-and-white perspective of things, leaving no area grey. 

Irrespective of how you go on with your life, the question is if hiding and lying can be in the same category. Technically, these are two different things that may have completely different meanings but are bound together by a common thread, one that the world calls deception. And this is exactly why many of us think that these two things may have the same effect. 

Different but deceptive 

Lying and hiding the truth can be seen as two different things from a psychological perspective, especially when it comes to relationships. Why? Because lying involves actively telling a false statement, while hiding the truth involves omitting relevant information. Both actions are deceptive and can damage the trust in the relationship. We are not talking about the little things such as saying you’re 10 minutes away when you’ve actually just left your home or hiding the fact that you dislike their new haircut when they absolutely love it. We are talking about bigger things that do have an impact on your overall relationship. Thus, even though the motivation and intent of both actions differ, the consequences remain the same. That’s where and how one is able to able to draw the line. 

Lying is often seen as a deliberate act of deception, where one intends to manipulate and control the situation or the person. It can stem from fear of consequences, perhaps a desire of personal gain or an attempt to avoid any conflict. Why is it damaging? Because it erodes trust completely and can also lead to feelings of betrayal.

On the other hand, hiding the truth can stem from the desire to protect one’s self or the other person from harm. As well as to avoid hurting their feelings and maintain some form of privacy. For example, in relationships, you may choose not tell everything to your partner because it might hurt them. While it might not always be done with a malicious intent, but it can still have negative connotations. When a partner withholds important information; it can still create those feelings of mistrust, distance and can prevent a relationship from growing and developing.

This is where and why you set boundaries

Be it with your best friends, or partner, no matter how close you are, there will be certain things that you will not want to discuss and talk to with them. That’s where you let them know by being open and honest. Then, the onus falls on you to respect the boundaries. Both the partners have the onus to have their own personal space and boundaries. If they don’t that’s why they resort to either lying or hiding the truth. 

If you’re on the other side, it’s important to recognise the reason behind these behaviours and the boundaries being set. And address the issue with a little bit more of understanding and empathy. If you know that you’ve been lied to or the person hid things from you, it’s always good to let them know that they way they handled the situation wasn’t the best. 

People ask, because they want to know and protect themselves

People are always curious, and a reason why is because they care—for themselves more than anyone else. If you’re in a relationship and you didn’t speak to your partner about something, they’ll always be wondering about the reason why you didn’t. No one wants to know the entire story, but if you don’t share, the other person will not know how to protect them self. The same problems that happened with your former partners could happen to them, and that’s what your current partner wants to know and is asking for. When your partner asks you about your past, they do so because they want closure plus they’re gauging if you’re the right person to be with or not. Have you learnt from your mistakes and have moved on? People judge these parameters before getting into a relationship. If you don’t share these crucial bits of information with them, they’re bound to feel upset. 

If there is someone who doesn’t want to get into the details and is just okay with knowing the basic facts, just remember that it’s all that they’re asking for. The thin line here is that if you were asked and you didn’t share enough to make them feel alright, that shows that you’re definitely hiding and manipulative. But if they’ve asked and you haven’t shared at all, that is equally another big problem. 

The solution—be honest

Don’t be hurtful and give your honest opinion you’re asked something. If you’re not able to, there’s a problem in the relationship. When you reach a mature stage, it’s okay to say things as they are. But if it’s not nice, you say it in a manner where no one gets hurt. This is where you have to be honest and forthcoming. You can do this without getting into minute details and tell them what they need to know without lying or hiding anything from them. Someone can only ask till a person is comfortable talking about it. If someone isn’t, you got to respect it. 

Again, this is an idealistic solution. Your situation may be different in which the other person is not able to handle the truth. You must not use it as an excuse but this calls for a thorough reassessment of the relationship and why the truth hurts so much. 

Both lying and hiding the truth is harmful, but the goal is to strive to be as honest, transparent as possible. 

Inputs by Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy and Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai